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Sat Jul 1 11:35 pm  #691

Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions

Hi JK. In reply:

1.  Near the end of your porn addiction, you began to be aroused by straight porn?  I'm so confused!

I know it's confusing. Think of it in terms of substance addiction. When someone is addicted to heroin, their tolerance for the drug grows as their body adapts to regular usage. This leaves the addict with two solutions: use more of the same drug, or switch to different drugs. Porn addiction is similar. Porn addiction isn't the correct term because porn addicts are addicted to the neurochemical dopamine. Dopamine is the brain's pleasure chemical and it's more powerful than cocaine. When you watch sexual images on a screen, it stimulates dopamine production, making us feel pleasure. The problem is that porn addicts need new and novel forms of visual stimulation to get the same dopamine high. It's like a drug addict needing more of the same drug. As the dopamine/porn addiction worsens, the user has to start watching more shocking images to feel aroused like before. This can mean violent pornography or in some limited cases a straight man starts watching gay porn. At the end of my own porn addiction a few years ago, I'd watched so much gay porn and for so long that it no longer aroused me, simply because it wasn't new, novel or shocking. So like a heroin addict who switches to cocaine, I switched to a different form of pornography: straight porn. I was just trying new and novel things to get the same "high." With regards to gay men claiming "porn made me gay," I find this doubtful. No matter how much porn someone watches, gay or straight, this is still virtual sex and it's easily accessible. However, only a man attracted to men would go out and try to have gay sex. Because there has to be some nugget of real attraction to contact men on Craigslist, exchange messages, arrange for a hook up, and then work like hell to hide it. So while he may claim that porn made him gay, this is unlikely. Only a gay man would seek out real world sex with other men. Even a straight porn addict watching gay porn from time to time wouldn't be able to have sex with another man. Moreover, once a porn addicts stop watching porn, after about 2-3 months they go back to their hard-wired (or normal) sexuality. So for all the straight spouses hearing, "porn made me gay" let him prove it. Tell him to stop watching porn or get professional help to stop watching porn and after about 90 days, he'll be raring to have sex with you. If however after 90 days without porn, he's still hooking up with men via Craigslist, he's as gay as a rainbow.     

2.  Sexually gay vs. emotionally gay:  Personally, I think that is something a GID person says...or a person trying to justify an open marriage, perhaps to salvage a MOM?  Could you elaborate on your thoughts about this?  To me, "sexually gay", but not "emotionally gay" just means plain old shallow or still in denial.

​I posted about this here:​. Here is my opinion: I believe that some men identify as heterosexual emotionally while they are almost exclusively gay sexually. He married a woman and claims to love her (emotionally straight) and yet he no longer has sex with his wife nor any other women while only watching gay porn and hooking up with other men (gay sexually). So he sees himself as straight which is why he married a woman and had kids. Yet when confronted by his straight spouse, the gay-in-denial husband has to do a lot of mental and emotional gymnastics to justify why he likes penises rather than vaginas. That's when straight spouses hear the usual excuses: I was sexually abused (often more lies), porn made me do it, etc. After years or even decades in the closet, I believe that a gay-in-denial husband simply cannot accept that he might be gay both emotionally and sexually. Why? The fear and self-hatred are just too deep. Saying, "I'm gay" is simply too raw and painful, particularly when coming out involves making the admission to a wife we married to hide our true sexual identity. This may explain your own husband's current state of mind. Now that you've left him, he's lost his one anchor to his straight identity: a wife/beard.

​I hope I've answered your questions. If not, feel free to post again.

Last edited by Séan (Sat Jul 1 11:45 pm)


Thu Jul 13 11:44 pm  #692

Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions

Good morning forum! I am so thankful for everything I've learned here. In fact, I can't believe this thread has almost clocked 50,000 views which is staggering. When I first started posting here, I convinced myself it was for the greater good. But then I got an honest reply from Kel. She wrote: 

"Your unique input here has been invaluable.  However, have you taken the time to consider the possibility that you might be using this forum as a place to continue to focus attention on yourself?  To continue to be an validation junkie, as you've mentioned?  All that time you were married and denied being gay, you still wanted to keep your wife around.  You craved her being hung-up on you.  So much so that you hung onto her past the point where not only was it making her miserable, but even you weren't happy.  So long as you knew she wasn't going to get over you.  Now that your ex has made a clean-ish break and most of your communication is about logistics with regards to the kids, maybe you're missing feeling like a leader in the relationship?  That you need to be the expert and have the spotlight on you or you're not happy? Could it be that you are still feeding the need to have straight spouses hanging on your every word?"

​Kel is 100% correct. While acting under the guise of some "greater good", I have to admit that this forum simply feeds my narcissistic needs for love, appreciation and attention. This is unhealthy. And this is why I've decided to stop posting here. Now I'm not leaving in a narcissistic diva-like fit. I leave having learned so much from all of you and perhaps while helping some people along the way. I now have a greater understanding of what I put my ex-wife and children through. Armed with this knowledge, more than ever, I'm committed to rebuilding healthy relationships with my three children and their mother. This means taking all of the time I've spent here and now focusing that energy on children who need their dad.

​So this is a goodbye of sorts my friends. Thank you again for everything. Despite the pain you've all endured because of people like me - many of whom are abusive, dangerous, and downright evil - I wish you and your children happy lives full of love and laughter. You deserve it. Be well my friends. Love Séan.

     Thread Starter

Fri Jul 14 8:28 am  #693

Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions


Don't be a stranger..  You are welcome here.   As I've said before, regardless of your true intentions, you have helped a LOT of people and there is something to be said for that. I respect your decision and I hope you are able to transition the time you spent here toward your kids.. that should certainly be your priority. 

Maybe at some point you can come back..

Best of luck to you!

-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 


Fri Jul 14 10:03 am  #694

Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions

Sean,  I agree with Phoenix & Kel.  There may be an underlying reason for you having started your thread, but still you have helped.  Many of us, probably including you, are trying to process years and years and years of confusion...of our marriages never having been what we thought they were.   Healing a wound so indescribably deep that few even come close to understanding our pain...that takes an enormous amount of time, work, questioning, listening, growth, strength.  The entire situation is full of such damage, that the ripples (& tidal waves) often seem never ending.  I believe you are trying to understand how to move forward, just as we straight spouses are.  Clearly, our stories are connected, though painfully so.

I have learned from you and am thankful for your posts.  I hope you are able to figure out how to be a great father to your children.


Fri Jul 14 4:36 pm  #695

Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions

Hi Sean... I am not as active on this forum as I once was so you are unlikely to recognise my name but I just want to say a huge thank you for your dedication to helping straight spouses. I think it's self-evident that you have been a huge help even though some find the very idea of a gay man posting here confronting at first.  Your honesty is commendable. The truths you speak are confronting and yet are often the jolt many straight spouses need to see the realities of their situation.

This forum has been very fortunate to have some great gay contributors over the years. First Difflurker (Diff), then Cameron and more recently yourself. (Sorry if I've forgotten anyone.) Providing support here can be exhausting so I have the utmost admiration for what you have done. I have not seen the narcissism or attention seeking you have referred to and I think that kind of assessment of your motivation is unfounded. Few people would seek attention by committing hundreds and hundreds of hours to help others.

Thank you for being an ally of Straight Spouses.  I wish you and your family peace and love. .

Last edited by Steve (Fri Jul 14 7:02 pm)

You have a future. A good one. It begins as a flicker of hope. Nurture it until it becomes a dream and when you are strong enough you will make it a reality. NEVER give up. 

Mon Jul 17 2:10 pm  #696

Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions

I agree with Steve.  Sean, your input has been so valuable here.  When I very first came here (on the old site) we had Diff and Cameron.  I was so so grateful to have input from someone who could see things from the other side and help explain the situation.  Your thoughts and input have helped hundreds of people. maybe more. Whatever the reason you came, the end result was that you made a huge difference.  Please come back any time if you feel you're ready.   


Mon Jul 17 2:33 pm  #697

Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions

I agree with everyone else you helped immensely. Thank you. I wish you luck with repairing your family.

Last edited by Demons-halo (Mon Jul 17 3:20 pm)


Mon Jul 17 2:33 pm  #698

Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions

I found SSN....probably too late to help my 32 year love of a man who now wants me to be okay with him 
seeing/fucking/fantasising/messaging/chatting with other men. He was okay with counseling up til last night, when he said he wasn't interested in going anymore. He feels it's not helping, it's making it worse. 

I feel like I'm alone. 

*between a rock and a hard place*

Mon Jul 17 2:53 pm  #699

Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions


We are not really alone.  We have just lost our best friend and spouse.   What I'm finding is the world is not centered around them...they made us think that it is ..and it would be ok if they were normal..but they are just hurtful, insatiable beings.     You or I could never do this a friend let alone spouse..  but they want us to say for them its ok.. its ok if you hurt me...      it is not.  

Gather strength ..  start thinking about what you want .   For myself I wanted a loving safe home where someone didn't hurt me over and over.  

a kind virtual hug


"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7

Mon Jul 17 3:03 pm  #700

Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions

Rob wrote:


We are not really alone. 
a kind virtual hug


Virtual hug accepted with thanks  It hurts that the only people who know my life is the counselor and a group of wonderful peer-supporters....on the other side of the world!

*between a rock and a hard place*

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