Straight Spouse Network Open Forum

You are not logged in. Would you like to login or register?

Mon Jul 10 2:00 pm  #241

Re: How do I survive this?

Good for you phoenix, hopefully one day you will be in the authentic relationship where you're treasured for who you are. I bet the year flew and dragged at the same time, I find myself saying is it really THAT long since TGT and other times OMG that life seems so long ago now!

The one year marking is a big one! Well done you on all you've achieved and how you've grown since then

Sometimes we are just the collateral damage in someone else's war against themselves

Mon Jul 10 6:07 pm  #242

Re: How do I survive this?

Thanks Foolme!  

I remember how incredibly painful those first few weeks and months were.  How frustrating and hurtful the process of divorce was.  How lonely and depressing it was to be single when i didn't want to be.  

But I'm a world away now from where I was a year ago.  I'm optimistic and strong..   Looking forward to a better future.  

I hope I can help anyone else reading this post to find their own milestones and continue moving forward to a better place. 

-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 

     Thread Starter

Tue Jul 11 9:33 am  #243

Re: How do I survive this?

One year today..  I have to be honest.. today is hard.  It brings back so many memories and feelings.  
I remember the confusion initially.  
The self-doubt.  
The fear of my future.
The pain of loss.  
The sting of betrayal.  
The stress of divorce. 
The search for my identity.

But they are all a year old and don't hurt as much now.  That fact is so important.  I remember the pain and I can tell that it doesn't hurt so much now.  That means that another year from now it will hurt even less and in a few years perhaps not at all.  This is progress and something to build on. 


-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 

     Thread Starter

Wed Sep 20 9:31 am  #244

Re: How do I survive this?

Another update as I continue to publicly journal my experience.  It's been a couple of months. 

I'm doing fine.  I would say that I'm stable and not unhappy.  I can't say that I'm genuinely happy.  I feel as though I'm in a holding period right now.  I truly want a partner in life, but I haven't had much luck dating and I have no prospects.  I've decided to back away from it and work on myself.  I'm working on losing weight and getting healthy, and i think it's actually for the best that I haven't found someone because it gives me another layer of motivation to work on myself.  

My relationship with my ex is very tense.  We communicate only about the kids.  She makes me very angry..  She had them for a long 3 week stretch in August, so I asked if she had any days that she might need a babysitter, if she would let me pick them up.  A few days later I learned that she had a day long softball tournament and rather than letting me watch the boys she invited her lesbian lover to babysit.  I was so ANGRY.   I still am.  I called her our for being selfish.  She replied by simply telling me that she has a right to control who is with the boys on her days.  She is just a horrible person. 

Early this month she sent me an email saying that she was officially moving in her lesbian lover (now divorced) and her son.  So now my boys have to live with two awful, lying, immoral, dishonest women when they are not with me  Again she is nothing but selfish and I hate her for it.  But there is nothing I can do about it. 

Despite the frustrations, I notice that they don't impact me so badly anymore.  I rarely lie awake at night, I haven't cried in months, I haven't had a panic attack since probably last January or even longer.  I'm gaining emotional strength and returning to the man I once I once was.   That doesn't mean I'm not an emotional person, just that I'm not a weepy mess anymore. 

I shared my story publicly on my fbook account.  It was something I wanted to do since the divorce, but I felt like I was held hostage to keep her secret.  I felt like a child who wasn't in control of my life or the narrative of my life.  So i decided to change that.  I shared my story and my experience very briefly and said nothing directly about her.. simply what my experience was.  I shared my mission as a volunteer with the SSN and how that was giving me a chance to redeem my experience and turn it into something good.  I wasn't expecting any responses to my post because I knew it would be awkward for many people.  But to my surprise I got a lot of support.  It was a very healthy experience and I'm glad I did it.  I'm also glad that I waited a while and was very careful about my message and made sure that it was positive and about me and not seen as a way to trash my ex.  I would support anyone who wants to publicly tell their story as long as they take care in how they say it.  I haven't seen or heard any backlash against me.  I'm not sure if my ex even knows I did it.. she hasn't said a thing. 

So I press onward.   I have 3 goals in life. 
1.)  Work on myself - lose weight, strengthen emotionally, be happy, eventually find a new partner
2.)  Work on my kids - Continue to be a rock for them, strengthen my bond, watch them grow and thrive and hope to gain more custody time so that I can continue to provide a positive influence in their lives and reduce the negative influences from their mother and her awful sinful lover
3.)  Help others - I feel so much better about myself and my life experience when I'm using it to help other people.  This place gives me part of that opportunity.  If I can help others weather their storms it makes me feel like my struggle had value and redeems the pain.  

onward and upward

-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 

     Thread Starter

Board footera


Powered by Boardhost. Create a Free Forum