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Mon Jul 10 2:00 pm  #241


Re: How do I survive this?

Good for you phoenix, hopefully one day you will be in the authentic relationship where you're treasured for who you are. I bet the year flew and dragged at the same time, I find myself saying is it really THAT long since TGT and other times OMG that life seems so long ago now!

The one year marking is a big one! Well done you on all you've achieved and how you've grown since then


Sometimes we are just the collateral damage in someone else's war against themselves
 

Mon Jul 10 6:07 pm  #242


Re: How do I survive this?

Thanks Foolme!  

I remember how incredibly painful those first few weeks and months were.  How frustrating and hurtful the process of divorce was.  How lonely and depressing it was to be single when i didn't want to be.  

But I'm a world away now from where I was a year ago.  I'm optimistic and strong..   Looking forward to a better future.  

I hope I can help anyone else reading this post to find their own milestones and continue moving forward to a better place. 


-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 

 
     Thread Starter
 

Tue Jul 11 9:33 am  #243


Re: How do I survive this?

One year today..  I have to be honest.. today is hard.  It brings back so many memories and feelings.  
I remember the confusion initially.  
The self-doubt.  
The fear of my future.
The pain of loss.  
The sting of betrayal.  
The stress of divorce. 
The search for my identity.

But they are all a year old and don't hurt as much now.  That fact is so important.  I remember the pain and I can tell that it doesn't hurt so much now.  That means that another year from now it will hurt even less and in a few years perhaps not at all.  This is progress and something to build on. 

 


-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 

 
     Thread Starter
 

Wed Sep 20 9:31 am  #244


Re: How do I survive this?

Another update as I continue to publicly journal my experience.  It's been a couple of months. 

I'm doing fine.  I would say that I'm stable and not unhappy.  I can't say that I'm genuinely happy.  I feel as though I'm in a holding period right now.  I truly want a partner in life, but I haven't had much luck dating and I have no prospects.  I've decided to back away from it and work on myself.  I'm working on losing weight and getting healthy, and i think it's actually for the best that I haven't found someone because it gives me another layer of motivation to work on myself.  

My relationship with my ex is very tense.  We communicate only about the kids.  She makes me very angry..  She had them for a long 3 week stretch in August, so I asked if she had any days that she might need a babysitter, if she would let me pick them up.  A few days later I learned that she had a day long softball tournament and rather than letting me watch the boys she invited her lesbian lover to babysit.  I was so ANGRY.   I still am.  I called her our for being selfish.  She replied by simply telling me that she has a right to control who is with the boys on her days.  She is just a horrible person. 

Early this month she sent me an email saying that she was officially moving in her lesbian lover (now divorced) and her son.  So now my boys have to live with two awful, lying, immoral, dishonest women when they are not with me  Again she is nothing but selfish and I hate her for it.  But there is nothing I can do about it. 

Despite the frustrations, I notice that they don't impact me so badly anymore.  I rarely lie awake at night, I haven't cried in months, I haven't had a panic attack since probably last January or even longer.  I'm gaining emotional strength and returning to the man I once I once was.   That doesn't mean I'm not an emotional person, just that I'm not a weepy mess anymore. 

I shared my story publicly on my fbook account.  It was something I wanted to do since the divorce, but I felt like I was held hostage to keep her secret.  I felt like a child who wasn't in control of my life or the narrative of my life.  So i decided to change that.  I shared my story and my experience very briefly and said nothing directly about her.. simply what my experience was.  I shared my mission as a volunteer with the SSN and how that was giving me a chance to redeem my experience and turn it into something good.  I wasn't expecting any responses to my post because I knew it would be awkward for many people.  But to my surprise I got a lot of support.  It was a very healthy experience and I'm glad I did it.  I'm also glad that I waited a while and was very careful about my message and made sure that it was positive and about me and not seen as a way to trash my ex.  I would support anyone who wants to publicly tell their story as long as they take care in how they say it.  I haven't seen or heard any backlash against me.  I'm not sure if my ex even knows I did it.. she hasn't said a thing. 


So I press onward.   I have 3 goals in life. 
1.)  Work on myself - lose weight, strengthen emotionally, be happy, eventually find a new partner
2.)  Work on my kids - Continue to be a rock for them, strengthen my bond, watch them grow and thrive and hope to gain more custody time so that I can continue to provide a positive influence in their lives and reduce the negative influences from their mother and her awful sinful lover
3.)  Help others - I feel so much better about myself and my life experience when I'm using it to help other people.  This place gives me part of that opportunity.  If I can help others weather their storms it makes me feel like my struggle had value and redeems the pain.  

onward and upward


-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 

 
     Thread Starter
 

Wed Nov 29 9:03 pm  #245


Re: How do I survive this?

Let me first apologize if I'm in the wrong place, I'm new here 1st time, looking for an online home for my soul. I need to put it up for safe keeping for a moment. I'm seeking solace, and comfort. A place where I know I'm not crazy, and others like me; that have had a life shattering bomb dropped on them. I'm beside myself atm. I've known. For the last 6 years have been trying to come to terms with this. I loved my husband, but this has taken its toll on me. I've heard it gets better...... 

 

Wed Nov 29 9:25 pm  #246


Re: How do I survive this?

Lovemyself wrote:

Let me first apologize if I'm in the wrong place, I'm new here 1st time, looking for an online home for my soul. I need to put it up for safe keeping for a moment. I'm seeking solace, and comfort. A place where I know I'm not crazy, and others like me; that have had a life shattering bomb dropped on them. I'm beside myself atm. I've known. For the last 6 years have been trying to come to terms with this. I loved my husband, but this has taken its toll on me. I've heard it gets better...... 

Love myself,

No you are not crazy..  It takes some time to process..but its not you..  It is all him.
Please be kind to yourself and build your support system.


"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7
 

Tue Dec 12 10:24 am  #247


Re: How do I survive this?

It's been about 3 months since my last update so I think I should share a little about where I am with life right now. 

Dec 9th was one my first divorce-iversary.  I didn't even think about it until today.  I had my boys last weekend and we were busy with friends and hobbies and fun.  So I guess that's a pretty good summary of where I am right now.  Moving on..   I don't dwell on the pain anymore.  I don't think about her as much.  I don't lay awake at night wishing I could go back and do things differently.  I don't spend time wishing she would apologize because I've accepted that she will not, and I just don't care about her anymore. 

I miss the family atmosphere that the holidays brought, so I'm not exactly excited about Christmas.. it' just isn't the same anymore.  But I'm going to make the best of it and try to find some magic for my sons so they enjoy it. 

I do miss having a partner in life.  I miss having someone to care for and support and the purpose and meaning that brought to my life.   While I do my best to occupy my time and I am much more social with friends than I ever was before, I do admit that I'm a little lonely.  I'm not lonely for simple companionship.. I'm lonely for a deeper more meaningful relationship.  I want to have someone to "do life with".   The funny thing is that I'm not out actively searching for this.  I gave up on internet dating websites.  I joined a singles group at church, but not with the intent of trying to pursue the women in the group.  I've decided that I want friendships and solid connections first, and if something further develops naturally with someone, then that would be a great opportunity.  

Work is going well.  My first year with the company coincided with some physical/health issues for the first few months and then massive personal issues for the rest of the year, so it was a major struggle. However, 2017 has been a success and I feel more comfortable that I'm bringing value to the team and I'm back on track with good job security and potential for future growth. 

My kids are doing pretty well.  My older one has displayed a little bit of behavior issues in the past two months, but I think it's more likely due to being a 6th grader in middle school, and not really directly tied to divorce stress.  My younger is amazing.. he's doing so fantastic.  They are both great kids and I think they are doing fantastic. 

What I've found interesting over the past year is how much I've enjoyed getting into new hobbies.  I've always been into cars, but I've really got into it now.  I spend much more time working on cars.  I went from 1 to 3 project cars.  I also bought a bunch of camera equipment and I'm starting to document my work and with two buddies we are starting a youtube channel.  I'm enjoying my time a lot and making the best of life.  

So that's where I am today.   I hope that newbies can see how the healing progression has gone so they have an idea of what to expect. 


-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 

 
     Thread Starter
 

Wed Dec 13 8:56 am  #248


Re: How do I survive this?

Thank you for this Phoenix, I am filing this week and I just feel so empty and heart sore. My husband is elated and emancipated and I just can't reconcile how we can both feel so different.

 

Wed Dec 13 9:31 am  #249


Re: How do I survive this?

wonderwoman wrote:

Thank you for this Phoenix, I am filing this week and I just feel so empty and heart sore. My husband is elated and emancipated and I just can't reconcile how we can both feel so different.

You feel very different because you are in a very different place.  I went through the same.. nearly all of us did.  

This won't make you feel better, but I think you should understand the reason you see such a difference in emotion between the two of you. 

He was never fully invested in your marriage.  He had a reason for marrying you, but it was a selfish one.  Since that day he has always had one foot out the door, knowing that his true desire was to be with a man.  He's been wrestling with that, struggling to keep his secret and not let the world know, but fighting with the desire that burns inside of him.  He's finally ready to make that transition.  The change for him might be a little stressful, but he's moving toward the place his heart wants to be.  He's excited about getting to live authentically.  He has gay friends who are supporting him and telling him how proud they are and how courageous he is.  To him, he's trading in a lie for truth and he's looking forward to his new future.  He has been thinking about this for a long time.. he's mentally already left you.  He never loved you the same way you loved him.  He's had YEARS to separate from you in his mind. He probably already has a love interest, so he's not really losing anything.  He's trading in a half-love for a full love.  To him, it's an upgrade.  

You on the other hand are blindsided.  You fully loved him and invested in your marriage.  You are in the early stages of losing that love, and it's the deepest of emotions.. the one that takes the longest to change.  You also didn't have a choice... sure you might be filing the divorce papers, but the loss of your love and marriage wasn't your choice, it was forced on you.  It's always easier for the person who make the choice.  You are losing your love and you have no (current) replacement.  You are losing your future hopes and dreams for the life you planned together, while he never fully mentally invested in that.  To him, this transition brings new hopes and happiness.  To you it brings pain and loss.   He's had years to detach, slowly, on his own terms.  You are forced on this, without choice and without time to process it.  

So yeah.. you are in very different places.  He's prancing off to his happy gay future while you are left to pick up the pieces of your life.  

But you will pick up the pieces.  You will become a stronger, more authentic, happier person when you get through it. You will have more character and compassion and strength than you ever imagined.  Meanwhile he will continue to be a shallow, selfish, awful person and these things will come back to bite him later in life.  

For now, take it a day at a time.  Things will get better.. you just need to get through this.  
 


-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 

 
     Thread Starter
 

Wed Dec 13 6:18 pm  #250


Re: How do I survive this?

Wonderwoman,

I'll jump in and echo what Phoenix said..    It took me a long time to process  how my GX could destroy the marriage and how indifferent she was to the hurt and destruction.

But now..   she does not seem so hanppy.   And there is nothing I can do..  Not my problem anymore.

Process the hurt but walk forward doing what you know is right and moral.    The filing of the divorce,  the divorce itself is merely a formality..pomp and circumstance.    These spouse divorced us long ago...

A kind e-hug.
 


"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7
 

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