One year today..  I have to be honest.. today is hard.  It brings back so many memories and feelings.  
I remember the confusion initially.  
The self-doubt.  
The fear of my future.
The pain of loss.  
The sting of betrayal.  
The stress of divorce. 
The search for my identity.

But they are all a year old and don't hurt as much now.  That fact is so important.  I remember the pain and I can tell that it doesn't hurt so much now.  That means that another year from now it will hurt even less and in a few years perhaps not at all.  This is progress and something to build on. 

 

Let me first apologize if I'm in the wrong place, I'm new here 1st time, looking for an online home for my soul. I need to put it up for safe keeping for a moment. I'm seeking solace, and comfort. A place where I know I'm not crazy, and others like me; that have had a life shattering bomb dropped on them. I'm beside myself atm. I've known. For the last 6 years have been trying to come to terms with this. I loved my husband, but this has taken its toll on me. I've heard it gets better...... 

It's been about 3 months since my last update so I think I should share a little about where I am with life right now. 

Dec 9th was one my first divorce-iversary.  I didn't even think about it until today.  I had my boys last weekend and we were busy with friends and hobbies and fun.  So I guess that's a pretty good summary of where I am right now.  Moving on..   I don't dwell on the pain anymore.  I don't think about her as much.  I don't lay awake at night wishing I could go back and do things differently.  I don't spend time wishing she would apologize because I've accepted that she will not, and I just don't care about her anymore. 

I miss the family atmosphere that the holidays brought, so I'm not exactly excited about Christmas.. it' just isn't the same anymore.  But I'm going to make the best of it and try to find some magic for my sons so they enjoy it. 

I do miss having a partner in life.  I miss having someone to care for and support and the purpose and meaning that brought to my life.   While I do my best to occupy my time and I am much more social with friends than I ever was before, I do admit that I'm a little lonely.  I'm not lonely for simple companionship.. I'm lonely for a deeper more meaningful relationship.  I want to have someone to "do life with".   The funny thing is that I'm not out actively searching for this.  I gave up on internet dating websites.  I joined a singles group at church, but not with the intent of trying to pursue the women in the group.  I've decided that I want friendships and solid connections first, and if something further develops naturally with someone, then that would be a great opportunity.  

Work is going well.  My first year with the company coincided with some physical/health issues for the first few months and then massive personal issues for the rest of the year, so it was a major struggle. However, 2017 has been a success and I feel more comfortable that I'm bringing value to the team and I'm back on track with good job security and potential for future growth. 

My kids are doing pretty well.  My older one has displayed a little bit of behavior issues in the past two months, but I think it's more likely due to being a 6th grader in middle school, and not really directly tied to divorce stress.  My younger is amazing.. he's doing so fantastic.  They are both great kids and I think they are doing fantastic. 

What I've found interesting over the past year is how much I've enjoyed getting into new hobbies.  I've always been into cars, but I've really got into it now.  I spend much more time working on cars.  I went from 1 to 3 project cars.  I also bought a bunch of camera equipment and I'm starting to document my work and with two buddies we are starting a youtube channel.  I'm enjoying my time a lot and making the best of life.  

So that's where I am today.   I hope that newbies can see how the healing progression has gone so they have an idea of what to expect. 

wonderwoman wrote:

Thank you for this Phoenix, I am filing this week and I just feel so empty and heart sore. My husband is elated and emancipated and I just can't reconcile how we can both feel so different.

You feel very different because you are in a very different place.  I went through the same.. nearly all of us did.  

This won't make you feel better, but I think you should understand the reason you see such a difference in emotion between the two of you. 

He was never fully invested in your marriage.  He had a reason for marrying you, but it was a selfish one.  Since that day he has always had one foot out the door, knowing that his true desire was to be with a man.  He's been wrestling with that, struggling to keep his secret and not let the world know, but fighting with the desire that burns inside of him.  He's finally ready to make that transition.  The change for him might be a little stressful, but he's moving toward the place his heart wants to be.  He's excited about getting to live authentically.  He has gay friends who are supporting him and telling him how proud they are and how courageous he is.  To him, he's trading in a lie for truth and he's looking forward to his new future.  He has been thinking about this for a long time.. he's mentally already left you.  He never loved you the same way you loved him.  He's had YEARS to separate from you in his mind. He probably already has a love interest, so he's not really losing anything.  He's trading in a half-love for a full love.  To him, it's an upgrade.  

You on the other hand are blindsided.  You fully loved him and invested in your marriage.  You are in the early stages of losing that love, and it's the deepest of emotions.. the one that takes the longest to change.  You also didn't have a choice... sure you might be filing the divorce papers, but the loss of your love and marriage wasn't your choice, it was forced on you.  It's always easier for the person who make the choice.  You are losing your love and you have no (current) replacement.  You are losing your future hopes and dreams for the life you planned together, while he never fully mentally invested in that.  To him, this transition brings new hopes and happiness.  To you it brings pain and loss.   He's had years to detach, slowly, on his own terms.  You are forced on this, without choice and without time to process it.  

So yeah.. you are in very different places.  He's prancing off to his happy gay future while you are left to pick up the pieces of your life.  

But you will pick up the pieces.  You will become a stronger, more authentic, happier person when you get through it. You will have more character and compassion and strength than you ever imagined.  Meanwhile he will continue to be a shallow, selfish, awful person and these things will come back to bite him later in life.  

For now, take it a day at a time.  Things will get better.. you just need to get through this.  
 

What a morning... 

I had an incredibly vivid dream last night.  It was me reliving the early stages of this saga.  I had apparently already found out she was a lesbian, but she was just starting to pull away and plan to leave me.  I was just beside myself.  I was so scared of what life would be like alone.  The hurt of having her no longer love me was extreme.  I was just dreading the future and I couldn't handle how scared I was of losing everything I knew. 

Then I woke up. 

I laid there for a few minutes pondering how much I'm enjoying my life right now.  All those fears are so real.  Everything i was afraid of happened.  But it wasn't so bad as I feared.  I actually found myself happy this morning because I realized I was past all that.  It didn't hurt anymore.  Life is good. 

Life can be better of course.. and I'm working toward that.  I'm embarking on a healthy new me.  I'm hoping after I make lots of progress I'll be ready to find a girlfiend, etc..   So I have a lot to look forward to.