OurPath Open Forum
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1 - thefuture
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my story so far
My wife and I have been together since high school. That's 17 years. We have been married for 9. I knew from the beginning that my wife was bisexual, though she hid it for a time in the middle years. I had no problem with it and never saw it as threatening. Her and I had an exceptional relationship. We have always been best friends, close confidantes, goal oriented, loving, and supportive in our relationship. We never had any intimacy issues that I was aware of. We always described our love as growing infinitely deeper with time.
3 months ago, she disclosed that she was "primarily oriented toward women." There were no women that she was interested in seeing, and she still felt the same attraction to me. She loved me and wanted to stay together. We took up therapy to search for a word that accounted for the idea that she was attracted only to women and me. I had difficulty accepting the logic of that, but after such happy lives together, I trusted her fully. I spent months essentially forcing myself to believe that this did not threaten our relationship. She encouraged it all along the way, telling me that we would be together for the rest of our lives, no compromises. We planned to stay monogamous.
2 weeks ago, she told me on a random Tuesday at lunch that she had decided she would eventually need to experience an intimate relationship with a woman. She asked for a divorce. We spent a week living apart. It was awful. She kept saying that this wasn't a choice, it was a "human right." At the end of the week, couples therapy gave my marriage a second chance. Our therapist talked us into slowing things down and spending time learning what her orientation is and what that will mean for our relationship.
I am currently back living with my wife, and our 2 children ages 4 and 6. We are having a lot of physical intimacy. We are affectionate. We are supportive of one another. And we are following a rule of not talking or thinking about the orientation question except in therapy. It is a bizarre place to be.
I am utterly devastated, confused, and SHOCKED by all this. I thought I had the most devoted of wives. I have not accepted that it's true that she is gay. I do not recognize this person who would so suddenly about-face on her promises and blow our happy family apart after 17 years. I'm heartbroken.
- Anon42
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Re: my story so far
I'm truly sorry this is happening to you, thefuture!
My wife of 15 years not only says that she wants to date women, but also that she does not want any therapy, and that she does not really want to stay with me (as a wife. She's perfectly willing to live in my home though). So pretty much nothing could be done in my case.
In your situation, I'm not sure how much your wife can last or how devoted she is to you really. If she will truly decides to stay with you and love you, I think things can be fixed with lots of work from both of you. At least, that's what Dutchman managed to achieve with his wife (see both of their threads: , ).
On the other hand, many more people here have ended up divorcing. Many have experienced this honeymoon period after the disclosure/discovery where the gay partner tries to mend the relationship somewhat, and they have lots of sex, but after 2-3 months things go back.
So at least accept that divorce is a very real possibility.
Again, sorry that you ended up here with us. But at least here people understand your pain.
- Blackie563
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Re: my story so far
Sorry to hear this Future. Tough situation, speaking from experience of course. Good advise above. I would only add, do not listen to what your wife says, only what she does. A very common theme with all of our situations is the innate ability to lie, and lie on top of lies on top of lies. This may not be your case and I hope it is not. In my case, I knew there was issues with my ex, she was far from perfect, but never thought lying was one of them. Turned out, she is THE most manipulative person I've ever known...we were married 19 years and together 24.
All the best, lots of good people here to help. Even if you mend, its a long journey. Buckle up, hang in there and allow yourself to feel.
- thefuture
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Re: my story so far
Thank you both for supporting and sharing your stories a little bit. The most confusing part for me is that my wife continues to say she is happy, that she loves me, and even that she is attracted to me. She says she doesn’t want to date but thinks she will inevitably need to do so to experience a higher combination of emotional and physical attraction. It sickens me to think about it since we have never been with anyone else. But while she refuses to accept any responsibility for this and tells me she’s happy, she’s also not working hard to make me feel better or offering any reassurances that we will stay together.
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Thread Starter- lily
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Re: my story so far
Hi Future - two words that stood out in your post for me - heartbroken, and the one in capitals - shock.
This is not an ordinary shock, it changes your past as well as the future. It is a serious emotional shock and takes time to absorb, and of course, the new information you are absorbing is heartbreaking.
Meanwhile your wife is neither heartbroken nor in shock - this is not new information for her.
Blackie's advice to pay attention to what she is doing not what she is saying is gold.
- thefuture
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Re: my story so far
Lily you are so right. We aren’t going through the same thing at all. She’s not devastated and has little patience for my confusion.
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Thread Starter- Anon42
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Re: my story so far
+1 on looking at actions.
thefuture wrote:
She’s not devastated and has little patience for my confusion.
Yup, seems the same situation as with my wife. After all, she only shattered your past, present and the future. Why are you so upset?
Though mine was upset for several days when I said that her dating women means divorce.
- thefuture
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Re: my story so far
Yup, seems the same situation as with my wife. After all, she only shattered your past, present and the future. Why are you so upset?
I relate to this statement so much. When we went thru the short lived break up she was like “we should be grateful for everything that we have and we can stay best friends, emotionally supportive, and a family, but sell the house and date separately.” I was like what planet is she living on? The sad thing though is that she will probably get everything she wants. She will get to live her fantasy, not feel guilty at all, and still have me there as her supportive co-parent because I’m so in love with her. I feel like she has me in a vice grip and any action only further justifies her. There’s nothing in this for me and yet she wants me to swallow it and smile.
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Thread Starter- Anon42
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Re: my story so far
When we went thru the short lived break up she was like “we should be grateful for everything that we have and we can stay best friends, emotionally supportive, and a family, but sell the house and date separately.” I was like what planet is she living on?
Yup, similar to what mine suggested, but she even wanted to continue living together. An open "marriage". Extra painful was how easily she suggested that I can also date other women.
She sounds more and more like my wife. Mine is giving me time to accept the situation, but I see that she can't wait till she can start dating women. And that my suffering is a nuisance for her.
The sad thing though is that she will probably get everything she wants. She will get to live her fantasy, not feel guilty at all, and still have me there as her supportive co-parent because I’m so in love with her. I feel like she has me in a vice grip and any action only further justifies her. There’s nothing in this for me and yet she wants me to swallow it and smile.
In my case I though about how would I feel her dating other women. And then coming back home to me. And even thinking that was painful. So I decided that I'm not going to endure this (and to what end?), and would divorce her instead, if that's what she really wants. This way, I could at least try stopping loving her if she's not in my life that much anymore.
After her disclosure, it was hard for me to think about anything else other than my dying marriage, or how I would live with her dating other people (I know other people felt even worse than me, but even for me it was hard to work, for example, I could not focus on anything). But after seeing that divorce is an option, and that maybe I can find someone else eventually, I calmed down somewhat.
Now, we'd still to cooperate and raise kids together, but I don't have to be best friends with her, if that's too painful. Maybe later when I've disconnected enough.
Now, I'm saying all that, but we're still together (busy summer). Though I'm pushing for her to move out sooner than later. And I am disconnecting from her emotionally somewhat.
we should be grateful for everything that we have
Here I would agree. Being thankful to what you have can be helpful in the face of suffering. Not that it means you have to agree to anything else she says.
Last edited by Anon42 (August 2, 2023 10:04 pm)
- vppn
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Re: my story so far
Hi Thefuture,
I am sorry you are going through this. But I am happy you found this place.
It took me a long time to process my feelings after my ex wife came out almost 3 years ago. I have given her the benefit of the doubt since I didn’t know she was capable of lying, deceiving, manipulation (but in the back of my mind I had a hard time believing she became lesbian in just a couple of months). We separated and 18 months later she proposed we live together in an open mixed orientation marriage without being sexual. When she came out she didn’t talk much about how she came to the conclusion she was lesbian. When we discussed being in a MOM she finally confessed she had been in a very dark place since early in our relationship. Only at that point in time I started feeling different about our past and our memories. This forum helped me see that she hid a lot from me and her behaviors matched many of the stories here. Only recently I started disconnecting emotionally from her (after rejecting the MOM option). I also felt devastated when she came out and I did not feel the same degree of loss from her at all during the months we still lived together before separating. Now I feel I had always been just a best friend for her all the time we were together, but never really a romantic partner for the rest of her life in her eyes.
Good luck on your journey.
VPPN