Straight Spouse Network Open Forum

You are not logged in. Would you like to login or register?

Support » I finally had my moment need help staying strong » Today 10:03 am

Paula
Replies: 31

Go to post

Majenco and Goonowgo-  My heart aches for the two of you. Our stories are so similar. I have felt so many times that I was the only one in this spot. As terrible as it is, to know we aren't alone is somehow comforting. The rollercoaster is awful and I want OFF. I want my brain and my heart to shut off. I want to be confident in my decisions. I'm 59 with a double mastectomy. Who is going to think that's attractive? It has helped immensely to come to this site. We are going to survive this together.

Support » Struggling » Today 9:37 am

Paula
Replies: 10

Go to post

I have realized the last few days that I am still in the acceptance stage. I feel stuck. I can't seem to get over the hump. I played this game his way for the first 14 months. At that point I asked him to be "all in" with our marriage just like our vows we had exchanged 21 years before said. His answer to that was he couldn't do it, but he said he loved me more than ever and maybe we should take a trip to rekindle our old feelings. All I heard was he couldn't be all in. My gaydar meter kicked in and I refused the trip thing. It was the first time I had really dug my heels in and took a stand, but at the same time I couldn't believe it. How can someone you've been with and loved and defended and excused for so long not understand what I was asking and needed? I just wanted him to see me. I just wanted him to love me. I still do.

Support » Struggling » Today 9:35 am

Paula
Replies: 10

Go to post

I have realized the last few days that I am still in the acceptance stage. I feel stuck. I can't seem to get over the hump. I played this game his way for the first 14 months. At that point I asked him to be "all in" with our marriage just like our vows we had exchanged 21 years before said. His answer to that was he couldn't do it, but he said he loved me more than ever and maybe we should take a trip to rekindle our old feelings. All I heard was he couldn't be all in. My gaydar meter kicked in and I refused the trip thing. It was the first time I had really dug my heels in and took a stand, but at the same time I couldn't believe it. How can someone you've been with and loved and defended and excused for so long not understand what I was asking and needed? I just wanted him to see me. I just wanted him to love me. I still do.

Support » My narcissistic rage » Today 3:36 am

Duped
Replies: 14

Go to post

Thanks Phoenix, you're right, it would be a poor choice and I would just feel worse for it. I need to work on those triggers though, I'm not sure how because the feelings just take me over. Today is better, more self-care, thanks all.

Support » I finally had my moment need help staying strong » Yesterday 7:29 pm

majenco
Replies: 31

Go to post

Yes I have my finances in order.  I hope he will leave the home but we shall see.  If he makes it difficult I will be ready.  I cannot believe the level of bullshit that has been heaped on me.  The abuse is staggering.  Thanks for listening to me rant.  I know you guys understand.  I have to keep on being strong.

Support » I finally had my moment need help staying strong » Yesterday 7:05 pm

phoenix
Replies: 31

Go to post

I'm so sorry you had to go through that pain today.  

It's not your fault.  He lied to you and has been trying to manipulate you.  He is selfish and puts himself before you.  I know the pain of finding out that your spouse is a fraud.  I hope you can use that as fuel now to stop doubting your path and to start moving forward toward a new life.  Sounds like today was that day.  So congratulations for that. 

If you haven't yet, I would start doing some homework on divorce in your state.  Find out what the procedures and time-frames are.  Find out what the norm is for division of assets and liabilities.  Most of the info you need is on google searches.  In most places you can't technically kick a spouse out of your home.  They have legal right to be there, so it depends on whether or not he knows better.  But if he will find another place to stay that is best.   Start researching your finances immediately and make sure you have access to everything.  This is the area where most divorces get nasty, so prepare yourself.  

Stay safe!  Lock the doors.  Have a girlfriend come stay the night with you or a family member.  When a secret as big as someone's sexuality finally comes out at time when they are not prepared.. it can be hard to predict how they will behave.  Some get angry and perhaps violent.  So please take full precaution.  Even though he was crying and on his knees earlier, that could change.. especially if he drinks.  Being safe is most important, so please ensure that you are. 

Let us know how we can help!
 

Support » I finally had my moment need help staying strong » Yesterday 5:56 pm

majenco
Replies: 31

Go to post

Today I found the cookies on his computer.  It's as awful as I thought.  Webcams and porn and gay hookup sites.  People, I lost my shit. 
I told him to pack his shit and get out of my house.  He denied it all.  As usual says he doesn't know what I'm talking about.  I told him I'm Italian and if he didn't leave immediately I would call a group of large angry men who would kick his ass.  I made him get on his knees, he did but he had no apology to offer.  I stuck my foot through our wedding portrait.  He's very scared and crying.  He only cries for himself.  When I cry he has no response.  He makes me sick.  This is the end.  He is coming to speak to me tomorrow but all I want to do is discuss the terms of the divorce.  I don't care if he drinks now I don't care wtf he does he is not my problem. 
He is weak and broken and incapable of caring about anyone other than himself.  This pain and searing hatred is the worst soul crushing torture I have ever experienced. 
The worst part is he had me convinced that somehow this was my fault.  That I was some frigid cold bitch.
I have to calm down.

General Discussion » Bottom line » Yesterday 5:28 pm

majenco
Replies: 14

Go to post

Thanks guys,
Your experiences are something I can totally relate to everything you are saying.  Today has been an especially hard day.  I'm getting angry and strong.

Support » My narcissistic rage » Yesterday 5:06 pm

phoenix
Replies: 14

Go to post

You did great Duped.  You continue to do great.  

There is nothing wrong with you being angry.  That rage is completely normal.  Wanting to lash out at your tormentor and make them feel some pain and guilt and shame is to be expected.  There is nothing wrong with you for feeling those feelings.  But that doesn't mean you have to do it.  You rose above it last night. Congratulations.  

I do still stand by my original statement.  You don't have to keep his secret if it makes life worse for you.  If sharing the truth helps you and makes a difference in your life, then you can do that.  But, if sharing the truth is done for malicious reasons, then I think it's a poor choice and will leave you with guilt and most likely unfavorable judgment from others.  

Tomorrow will be a better day for sure!  Keep going.. one day at a time!

Board footera

 

Powered by Boardhost. Create a Free Forum