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Is He/She Gay » Husband in denial » Today 2:29 am

ClarityHope
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So I’m starting on this journey of understanding after many years of feeling rejected by my husband. Sex is always once a month at very best if I initiate it. It has been this way since 20’s and through our 30’s. I’m a petite, attractive woman who has tried for years to be prettier, thinner, kinder, a better wife etc and tip toe around his feelings in hopes he will feel sexual desire.  That hard part for me right now is talking to my husband in denial, because he truly hasn’t progressed. He is in the gay Internet porn phase. I have read these boards and know the response is likely, either he won’t admit, will never come out & I should move forward. But that is really hard to accomplish while he is angry and denying his true self.  He is a doctor, and works 24 hours s day, 7 days a week. And for many years was only home 2 nights a week. The lack of sex was blamed on his fatigue & stress or my demands, a messy house, and just him not feeling “connected to me”. Early on he would reject my sexual advances at night, because he was tired, so I stopped trying at night. But the constant thing was he never, in any way initiates sex.
     I first started finding the porn sights like, straightcollegemen.com on our computer about seven years ago. Prior to that, he got gay magazine publications on occasion, but claimed someone signed him up as a joke. He denied the gay porn for several years after, but I know what I saw, right? Gaslighting didn’t work on me, other than just being really sad about it and not knowing what to do, or how to cope. I started asking other men on line dating sites if straight men watch gay porn. The resounding answer was NO, nope, never. I was lonely, but never cheated. I used the sites simply to cope with loneliness, feeling unattractive or somehow just the shrew unworthy of sexual desire.
   . Earlier  in the marriage I tried pleasing, read the book Love And Respect, left love letters, but the more I gave the more he took without rec

Is He/She Gay » A gay ex-husband answers your questions » Today 2:06 am

Sean
Replies: 1179

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Thanks for writing Calishocked, although I'm very sorry you've found yourself here. Please keep in mind that I'm not a mental health professional, so my comments are just personal opinions. In response to your questions:

1. Would a gay man be this heartbroken over a straight partner leaving them? I mean he was actively in that lifestyle for years and his family and friends knew and accepted it. He wouldn't lose anything but me if he went back to that but he doesn't want to. 

Yes a gay man (and potential gay-in-denial narcissist) can act heartbroken for losing his straight "beard" because he's sexually gay, yet emotionally straight. What I mean is that although your former boyfriend desperately wants to be straight, he's Rupaul's Dragrace gay. This isn't a lifestyle: we're born gay. Please also keep in mind that in a weak moment he texted you: "...this is difficult, but I am gay." As Maya Angelou so famously said, "When people tell you who they are, BELIEVE THEM!" So his sexuality isn't up for debate. He's gay and no amount of rehab, prayer, nor sheer force of will can change that.  


2. Is he just a heartbroken gay man lying to himself who needs to find his true gay love?

He's not just gay-in-denial (GID) my friend. In your words, he's also divorced, an alcoholic, and manic depressive. As a fellow member often writes, RUN! Run like your hair is on fire. Please keep in mind that most GID men don't love anything but their closets. So he sees you as more of a host, or perhaps cover, not as a life partner.   

3. Is he possibly bi and can emotionally attach to either depending on situation?


I reckon you're bargaining with reality here. And that sounds like, "Well if he's bi, then there's a chance..." Wrong. Again, he's admitted to being gay, can't have sex with women like you, and in your words "[color=#000000]hetero..he just cant get it up." So let's recap the

Strategies for MOM's » Is he wanting a monogamous MOM or just confused? » Today 1:20 am

Hi ALL 

So Ive got an interesting situation. Been dating this guy for 2 years. He was very open and honest with me from the beginning about his past. He was molested since age of 7 by male in his family and also suffers from depression. He says he was confused about his sexuality since young age however had several female relationships, one being the love of his life who died. At 19 he married a woman whom he said he never truly loved and they had 2 kids. His struggles with depression and sexuality took a toll on the marriage. He says he could never cheat on his SO but he wasn't giving her what she needed and she cheated, they divorced. HE HATES INFIDELITY. He then was in a few other hetero relationships but they never lasted. He then "went out there" as he calls it and experimented with embracing his homosexual feelings. He had a few hook ups with men, but is a very emotional, loving guy and prefers monogamous relationships. He had 2 unsuccessful relationships with men in a 12 years period. One 5 years the other 1 year. Both times he never cheated, even staying in celibate long distance relationship with one but they eventually cheated on him in both cases. He got deeper into depression, drinking, etc and hit rock bottom. About 10 years ago he went into rehab, had a "come to Jesus" turn around as he calls it and moved back in with his family. Did not date and focused on himself.  2 years ago he saw me and instantly "fell in love". Thought I was the most beautiful thing ever. Stalked me for a bit, admitted his crush, time passed, he grew on me and we ended up dating. Initially very affectionate, passionate, touchy and loved to tongue kiss... aside from some effeminate tendencies never thought he was gay. It was hard for him, but he opened up to me about his past and everything he's done with men, etc but assured me he was "done with that lifestyle". I was weary but we continued relationship. Everything was great (aside from occasional depressive bouts because he

Is He/She Gay » Is he Gay, Bi sexual or a sex addict? » Today 12:41 am

Hi ALL 

So Ive got an interesting situation. Been dating this guy for 2 years. He was very open and honest with me from the beginning about his past. He was molested since age of 7 by male in his family and also suffers from depression. He says he was confused about his sexuality since young age however had several female relationships, one being the love of his life who died. At 19 he married a woman whom he said he never truly loved and they had 2 kids. His struggles with depression and sexuality took a toll on the marriage. He says he could never cheat on his SO but he wasn't giving her what she needed and she cheated, they divorced. HE HATES INFIDELITY. He then was in a few other hetero relationships but they never lasted. He then "went out there" as he calls it and experimented with embracing his homosexual feelings. He had a few hook ups with men, but is a very emotional, loving guy and prefers monogamous relationships. He had 2 unsuccessful relationships with men in a 12 years period. One 5 years the other 1 year. Both times he never cheated, even staying in celibate long distance relationship with one but they eventually cheated on him in both cases. He got deeper into depression, drinking, etc and hit rock bottom. About 10 years ago he went into rehab, had a "come to Jesus" turn around as he calls it and moved back in with his family. Did not date and focused on himself.  2 years ago he saw me and instantly "fell in love". Thought I was the most beautiful thing ever. Stalked me for a bit, admitted his crush, time passed, he grew on me and we ended up dating. Initially very affectionate, passionate, touchy and loved to tongue kiss... aside from some effeminate tendencies never thought he was gay. It was hard for him, but he opened up to me about his past and everything he's done with men, etc but assured me he was "done with that lifestyle". I was weary but we continued relationship. Everything was great (aside from occasional depressive bouts because he

Is He/She Gay » A gay ex-husband answers your questions » Today 12:40 am

CaliShocked87
Replies: 1179

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Hi Sean/ALL 

So Ive got an interesting situation. Been dating this guy for 2 years. He was very open and honest with me from the beginning about his past. He was molested since age of 7 by male in his family and also suffers from depression. He says he was confused about his sexuality since young age however had several female relationships, one being the love of his life who died. At 19 he married a woman whom he said he never truly loved and they had 2 kids. His struggles with depression and sexuality took a toll on the marriage. He says he could never cheat on his SO but he wasn't giving her what she needed and she cheated, they divorced. HE HATES INFIDELITY. He then was in a few other hetero relationships but they never lasted. He then "went out there" as he calls it and experimented with embracing his homosexual feelings. He had a few hook ups with men, but is a very emotional, loving guy and prefers monogamous relationships. He had 2 unsuccessful relationships with men in a 12 years period. One 5 years the other 1 year. Both times he never cheated, even staying in celibate long distance relationship with one but they eventually cheated on him in both cases. He got deeper into depression, drinking, etc and hit rock bottom. About 10 years ago he went into rehab, had a "come to Jesus" turn around as he calls it and moved back in with his family. Did not date and focused on himself.  2 years ago he saw me and instantly "fell in love". Thought I was the most beautiful thing ever. Stalked me for a bit, admitted his crush, time passed, he grew on me and we ended up dating. Initially very affectionate, passionate, touchy and loved to tongue kiss... aside from some effeminate tendencies never thought he was gay. It was hard for him, but he opened up to me about his past and everything he's done with men, etc but assured me he was "done with that lifestyle". I was weary but we continued relationship. Everything was great (aside from occasional depressive bouts becaus

Support » For those of you who've confronted your GID spouse... » Yesterday 10:53 pm

Daisy LD
Replies: 0

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What was that like?

I'm not ready to disclose to my gay husband that I know what he's been doing (watching a lot of gay porn, movies, etc) but I plan to next summer. Confrontation now is just not an option. In the meantime, I play in my head often what that moment will be like. A fit of rage in a park or at the beach? A calm discourse at a restaurant? At home with a Costco size tissue box?

How did you face off with your GID spouse/partner?

Thank you for reading this.

Support » Need to talk to someone » Yesterday 5:39 pm

The reason you don't see men writing in is that the majority of men who decide they are trans are those who have a sexual paraphilia, autogynephilia, which affects only men.  Most females who transition do so as teens or in their early 20s (there's an epidemic of young girls who are deciding they don't want to be female), and detransitioners (those who go back to their natal state of female) say that their reasons for transitioning to male included not liking the social role of women, feeling uncomfortable in it, and wanting to escape it. 

General Discussion » Yet another Grace and Frankie thread » Yesterday 4:40 pm

iamthelorax
Replies: 8

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The plan was literally to let you know after his death or was it to hope you’d never find out till it was too late?

Either way, that’s messed up. The perfect scenario isn’t for his child to learn the truth and process it in a healthy way but instead for him to just not be around when it’s time to clean a mess up!? Cut from the same narcissistic branch as my ex.

At least the truth did eventually come out.

General Discussion » Questions for spouses of trans people » Yesterday 3:17 pm

walkbymyself
Replies: 12

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My spouse isn't trans, but for what it's worth I do think having a dedicated section would make it easier for people to find what's specific to their situation.  As I read along stories of trans spouses, I realize in terms of the issues you face there's a lot of overlap, but at the same time there are issues that are unique to spouses of trans people.

I've noticed one thing: we don't see men posting about their wives wanting to transition from female to male (unless I've missed it).  It seems like men are the ones who want to transition to female, and I'm just curious as to why there's so few men here posting about how their wives would like to transition to male.

It could just be a bias against men being open about subjects like that, of course.  But it's curious.

General Discussion » Yet another Grace and Frankie thread » Yesterday 3:07 pm

I thought the first season was a lot more relevant to my situation.  After that, it was like they played it for yuks.

And strongly agree that there were elements that were wildly unrealistic -- I'm still waiting for the part in my life where I get a spectacular million-dollar house on the sand in La Jolla with a brand new open-floor-plan kitchen and a best friend who knows exactly what I'm going through because she's going through it, too.  For some reason, that's not how it happened for me.

I had the same reaction as iamthelorax about the coming-out scene in the first episode -- if ONLY it had been that honest and candid!  My husband's plan was never to let me find out at all.  When I asked him what the game plan was ... did he really think he could keep up this deception forever? ... his answer was that he assumed our daughter and I would find out his secret after he was dead.

That was a stunner.  I did not see that coming.  His "Plan A" was to let us discover his secret as we were in mourning over his death, cleaning out his stuff ... and we'd never have any closure, or explanation, or chance to understand how he could have done this to us because that would have been TOO AWKWARD so better to just let us get shocked after he was dead.

Guys who live into their 60's keeping this secret don't just go out and join a gay theatre troupe and start going to protest marches a week after they come out.  They don't have healthy and loving relationships with the very men they've been treating like secret fuckbuddies for decades.

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