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Is He/She Gay » Brain rewiring from online porn? » Today 12:32 pm

Steve
Replies: 3

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I believe your .02c to be pretty right Kel. I believe that porn addiction is a thing although it's really a masturbation addition. It's masturbation - not porn - that hits that pleasure center in the brain.

I don't buy the argument that porn is like a drug where you need to go to harder core porn to get your 'fix'. I think people like what they like. Porn certainly can't 'make you gay'. You've gotta have an interest in something to watch and enjoy it.

It wouldn't matter how much straight porn I watched (not that I do *shifty eyes*) it doesn't make me want to watch dudes doing it.

General Discussion » Standing by/with my partner » Today 12:01 pm

Kel
Replies: 17

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No one's trying to convince you of anything, Ellexoh.  We have no reason to - what you do doesn't affect our lives one bit.  We're here to tell you OUR viewpoint on how WE feel about a situation such as yours.  Because we've been through it - lived through it, learned from it, have come out the other side.  Or we've at least been in your stage and now are at a different place based on similar desires in the beginning to support/stay with our spouse.  We're trying to let you benefit from our experience and learning.  But you are upset with us for giving you our opinion on your situation, even though we are survivors of the same tragedy.  You don't have to agree with us.  There is room for debate and challenging, so long as it's done with kindness.

It's almost like you're a first-time pregnant mother, going on a "Birth" board, asking other mothers for feedback on how to give birth naturally but reduce pain.  Many of us would have the opinion that you should just get the epidural and be pain-free.  But if you came here saying you wanted to be medication free but were looking for pain relief ideas, and you found that no women here had successfully had a medication-free childbirth, then it stands to reason that you'd hear a lot of, "Just get the epidural.", or "I was you - and now I'm pro epidural.  At least consider why you're wanting to go natural."  If you will ONLY accept pain relief suggestions that are medication free, then go find a medication-free childbirth board.  That's ALL they discuss.

We have no good ideas here on how to make it all work out in the end with a MOM, because that didn't work out for us when we tried it.  There are a few people here who are attempting to be in a successful MOM, but I'd doubt any of them would tell you that they have successfully arrived at such a sustained place of happiness.  There ARE, however, a LOT of us who have tried to keep our MOM intact in some way - through compromise, understanding and acceptance. 

Is He/She Gay » Brain rewiring from online porn? » Today 10:32 am

Kel
Replies: 3

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Stonehouse,

I think that porn can be like drugs - it's addictive (because it hits the pleasure center of one's brain), and you will eventually need a bigger and bigger hit to get the same high.  The same could be said of sex in general - think of how in the beginning of a relationship a kiss will thrill, but later even sex can be monotonous.  In a society that has had sex become increasingly easy to come by (online), fetishes abound.  Fetishes have always been around - for millennia.  But is it my imagination that now there's like 4 billion fetishes compared to "I like feet"?  People who have exposure to all different kinds of online viewing can can get easily hooked on stuff they never even knew existed until they saw it.

That being said, I don't think that people often get hooked on things that once turned them off.  You're not going to find a guy out there who has a foot fetish when he's absolutely hated feet his whole life.  He wouldn't want to view it in the first place.  I think of porn viewing that way.  If you're a straight man who is repulsed by the idea of man-on-man action, why would you start watching it in the first place?  I think there's always got to be a bit of attraction to that in the first place for it to even become a possibility.

But that's just my $0.02; I'm no sex expert (despite my husband's assurances, lol!).

Kel

Support » Mid-summer; time for a check in from everyone » Today 10:09 am

Kel
Replies: 19

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Hi everyone -

Thanks for the well-wishes yesterday on my wedding anniversary!  Hubs and I dressed up and went out to dinner at one of our favorite restaurants - the one where we literally got married and had our reception at.  I call it revisiting the scene of the crime.  Lol.  It was nice to be out alone.  The topic of mental illness came up at one point (I read a ton, and often mention what I've read to him).  We were talking about how much anxiety people today seem to experience compared to when we were growing up.  And how relentless depression is - how all-encompassing.  My husband's second wife (I'm his third) had a ton of depression - so much so that it resulted in job loss, days worth of crying jags, the home being thrown into disarray, etc.  In the end (the marriage only lasted a few years), she was content to be this way.  She didn't want to go to counseling, be on medication, or do anything to feel better.  And that's what ended the marriage - not that she was sick, but that she had no desire to get better.  She could see it affecting their marriage and her husband, but didn't care enough to do anything to be proactive about her illness.  In the end, he just couldn't do it any longer.  He couldn't choose to continue living in a hell that someone else was content to sit in.  We talked for a moment about how we WANT to be the kind of people who accept others despite their flaws - just like we want others to do for us.  But the truth is, none of us would tell our kids to go ahead and get involved with a person who is mentally unhealthy.  It's just so much to deal with!  We feel the unhealthy people deserve love and are worthy of it.  But that doesn't mean we have to choose them as our partners.  We would certainly warn our children away from such a challenging arrangement.  I'd much rather have one of my daughters marry a good man permanently in a wheelchair than to marry an able-bodied man with unhealthy mental issues.  1000%.

Someti

General Discussion » My gay husband has a girlfriend? WTF? » Today 10:08 am

Leah
Replies: 6

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Big AMEN to what Kel wrote!!!  Which I saw after I posted....  OF course of course they do....

General Discussion » My gay husband has a girlfriend? WTF? » Today 10:07 am

Leah
Replies: 6

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Hi Disbelief,

Yup I've got the tshirt on this one.  My GIDX is now with a woman.  Now he says he just is not into men and never really was, just wanted his cock sucked in toilets or something equally gross.  Just naughty behaviour by a grown man with a wife and three children.  Something his new life partner understands.

  So it is hurtful, so painful to be treated badly and then this person you loved starts to repeat the behaviour with someone new.  But I guess I/we have to believe that it is just a repeat of bad behaviour and nothing to do with rejecting me/us.  Though it is tough.  As this is so damaging on so many levels to our self-esteem.  Heartbreak and rejection is never easy, but this deceitful and confusing in a way that is very hard to understand especially as society has sympathy for the whole coming out issue, while the collateral damage done to those in the firing line on the way out get little notice. 

Narcissistic behaviour writ large.

General Discussion » Where I am: OOHC's summer realizations, Part One » Today 9:44 am

Kel
Replies: 8

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Think Fred Sanford, one arm bent, hand splayed to his heart, the other arm extended outward, flailing (I'm comin', Elizabeth!).  That is me right now, reading all your revelations.  You.Are.INCREDIBLE!  Your realizations are profound, poetic and powerful.  I know personally how much pain it can take to get to such a place of acceptance.  It ain't easy.  But once you get to where you are, the confusion is less and the drive kicks in.  I personally think that's easier than the paralyzing, quiet grief and desperation stage that came before it.  I declare you officially out of the woods filled with fog.

It's interesting how getting to your "I'm done" place is super empowering.  It's not deciding that you don't want to care anymore as much as it finally having realizing that any striving you do is just throwing dust in the wind.  It's not really making a decision as much as it's finally accepting the reality and futility of the situation.  That you could go on trying for eternity, and it's not going to work.  That is a mental hump that begins with panic and bargaining as you're climbing up that hill, and then being able to exhale and rest a moment when you crest the top and see the light.  You have a moment to sit still and gather strength before heading back down again.  You don't really WANT to have to do all the work that you see ahead of you, but you now know there's no way around it.  And you're eager to just get on with it so you can get to another place that holds some freedom and peace.

I'm SO very proud of you!  You have made some HUGE realizations on several different fronts:
- neither of you are happy in your marriage, and staying and sacrificing isn't going to improve that
- it doesn't matter how or why or when he became this way.  What matters is that he is this way.
- you can't fix this
- he's willing to let you shrink yourself down so that he can continue to do what he wants
- you should not be shamed for not accepting him if he cannot a

Support » Mid-summer; time for a check in from everyone » Today 8:26 am

Mrs Lonely
Replies: 19

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Hi Everyone

Kel, happy anniversary.  You give me so much hope for a brighter future.

I am one week from divorce and truthfully cannot wait for it to be over.  Everyone tells me it is hard on you emotionally, but my mom and aunt is coming with to support me.  I moved into a new house with the kids and it is such a relieve not to go  home to a guy that makes my skin crawl.  He was in such a broody, dark mood the last weeks before we moved out that I actually feared he could do something to me.  My eldest went to a therapist and he is doing great. They accepted the new living arrangements in stride it seems.  I think it is because they are so young.  
I find myself grieving over my marriage.  I think I have accepted that I did everything I could to save it, but that we never had a chance to survive to start with. It was doomed from the beginning.  I do not ask why this happened to me instead I accepted full responsibility for the choice I made over five years ago. I knew there was issues when we started dating, but chose to work on that issues because I loved the man he is.  So now I know that I tried my utmost, was not able to overcome it, are paying the price for my decision and am trying to move on.  Still, my heart aches for the dreams and vision I had for this marriage that is now in ruins.  I am lonely, but I was lonely in my marriage also.  I feel empty and sometimes downright sad, but again, I felt that in my seemingly happy marriage also.  Only thing that has changed is that I am feeling this on my own now, but I am at a better place since I am living a more authentic life.  I look at myself and try so see a new future for myself, but I do not know what it looks like.  It is blank. I have never been in such a no-mans-land before and it scares me.  I need to find a new purpose - as a woman, not as a mother or an employee.

I started writing a book, because like Phoenix I have the urgent desire to tell my story. It is going slowly, because th

General Discussion » Where I am: OOHC's summer realizations, Part One » Today 7:13 am

Duped
Replies: 8

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Just popping on quickly to say thank you for sharing, this thread is particularly helpful and relevant for me. I am rooting for you! I just hope that when it comes to it he doesn't draw you back in with curve balls and shifts in his behaviour that make you think compromise is possible again. They seem to be masters of this.

General Discussion » Where I am: OOHC's summer realizations, Part One » Today 5:48 am

Abby
Replies: 8

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Thank you for sharing so eloquently the emotions you have experienced in the past month. It mirrors my own experiences in many ways although I was the one who was left, forcing me to confront head on that my marriage had been a mirage.

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"You can add yeast to cement but it won't make it rise."









 

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