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General Discussion » Ups and downs » Today 12:29 pm

Triggers123
Replies: 26

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CannotEven

Hello, I’ve been reading your post and they hit home a lot.  First I’m sorry that your going through this, I’ve been there and the feeling of sadness,loneliness, confusion, betrayal and many more are the worst thing anyone can go through.  I want to share with you a little bit of my story, I was with my ex 10 years all together and 4 of those years were married. Six of those years we were boyfriend and girlfriend and never lived together. When we finally got married 6 years later his secret came out there was no way of hiding that when we were actually living together married. The 4 years was hell, he had hook up apps, men messaging he’s actually phone, infidelity ext.  Any time I found something , him watching gay porn, or another message he would cry and promise he wasn’t gay. He came up with stories to make me feel compassion, he wanted to be with me because he loved me and didn’t want us to separate. In the 4 years we were married, we had a son, we bought a home , vehicles. In the outside we were a happy family , and in the inside I was alone, depressed having to deal with my husband cheating on me with men. My husband never touched me, the only times he touched me is when I would cry to him about it. There was one time he didn’t touch me for 3 months. My ex claimed he wanted his family, that he loved us , we were his world. We went to marriage counseling , he did his own counseling as well.  I was scared to let go, brake our family. Scared of the unknown, and bills and being a single mom. Until one day that I found another message from a men, my husband got mad at me it was the biggest fight . He literally look me in the eyes and said I’m gay, I want a divorce will sell the house because I want to live my life all ready. One day to another he put the house for sell, we were leaving together but in separate rooms while he started a relationship with a man. He would talk to his new boyfriend In the house, fight with me because he wante

General Discussion » The search for a therapist » Today 12:12 pm

Exercise definitely helps! My husband came out—and I lost 15 pounds (only good thing to "come out" of this!) Meditation is great, too...I've been listening to Michael Sealey some evenings. He has tons of videos on YouTube...helps that his voice is so calming & super sexy ;) (He's Australian!) 

Support » EFT? » Today 12:11 pm

What is EFT?

Support » Feeling Lost » Today 12:08 pm

Sjloo: I'm so sorry you're going through this.  Breakups are always hard, and sometimes there's just nothing that "fixes" the pain.  

I'd be lying if I said my first impulse, on reading your story, wasn't "consider yourself lucky, you dodged a bullet here."  I'd be lying if I said my reaction wasn't "at least he tried to come clean with you before too much damage was done."  I hate this impulse I have, because it comes off sounding like we're in some kind of "Who-was-most-victimized" competition.

I think that if he's a decent human being, he's feeling guilty for what he's put you through so far, and he's trying to end the relationship gently and with minimal pain to you. 

General Discussion » Terminology and she's messing with my mind » Today 11:42 am

My ex said (girls 9, boys 1) in describing her attractions when she came out leaving me crumbs of a chance of staying together. She calls me up last summer 4 years out, regretting the divorce saying she should have tried harder. She won’t tell my daughter she’s gay because she doesn’t want her to think it’s abnormal.  WTF, yes. Mindf*ck, yes. Don’t try to understand it. You never will.  I am convinced that these spouses exhibit personality disorders that can never be fully understood by us.  IAH, the more time I spend on Chump Lady the more I can almost predict my exes behavior and expectations. It makes it easier to deal with, but there personality disorders here that we just need to accept and move on. Taking the family apart sucks, but staying sane is the first priority.

ADSJ

Support » EFT? » Today 11:36 am

BellaB
Replies: 2

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Has anyone tried EFT?

It was mentioned in the attachment injury paper.

I’m watching a you tube video on it now.

General Discussion » Terminology and she's messing with my mind » Today 11:30 am

itsabouther
Replies: 1

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My STBXW (married 20 years) refuses to refer to herself as lesbian, gay or homosexual.  She says she doesn't like the words.  Claims never to have been with a woman sexually but says she is attracted to women.   I asked her if she was gay or just confused.  She said that was why she was in counseling.    When I pushed her on it she said she's attracted to women always has been (was attracted to men also but not anymore) and is not interested in being with a guy and doesn't want to be married to a man anymore.  I said well that's a lesbian.   She said she prefers to say she's attracted to women.  WTF now I'm the one confused. 

General Discussion » Detachment tactics when you still have to interact with the ex.., » Today 11:29 am

Anyone have any tactics to share to brace for the interactions with an ex?

I came up with one that helps... Chump Lady talks about getting to ‘meh’ in any emotional connection with them...so that’s her name now on my contacts list on my phone. So when I get an email or text from her it displays as ‘meh’ before I read it.  It instantly reminds me to defuse and she has no power. It takes me out of any reactive mode instantly.

Any other ideas or tactics?


ADSJ

General Discussion » Ups and downs » Today 11:00 am

MJM017
Replies: 26

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CannotEven,

Having fun with a crush on his own? He deserves it?  What kind of fun are they having? Sorry...this is red flag territory.

He is living a polyamorous life. He's telling you this in an indirect way. If he kept the fun friend without telling you, then it's cheating.

His orientation can be whatever. The orientation or polyarmorous life aren't not going to change.  He told you about the orientation because he wants a wife, kids, a house and extra fun on the side. He told you because he  thinks you'll find out about the guy. Maybe in his mind it's the lesser of two evils?

Some partners are ok with it and some aren't. You have to take your own true feelings into account. Do you want this in a partner?  Putting up with it, and having nagging doubts, will cause despair and depression down the road.

Hugs & thinking good thoughts for you.

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