Sometimes, men fall in love with a woman and marry her, even though they are not sexually compatible. I have met many such men and always asked the same question: why? The answer? "She is my best friend and I love her in every other way." Given that I was not emotionally invested in those situations, I was a neutral third party, I'd say they were telling the truth. It meant that they had chosen to make certain sacrifices in their life, just so they could be with the woman they loved. But occasionally, it got too much and then they would seek out casual sex to fulfil their fantasies briefly. 

That is different to a situation with a gay man, who has the capacity to fall in love with another man, right? Because that's what it all comes down to, at the end of the day. Whom does one want to spend their life with? Next to which person do they feel they can be their most authentic self? I feel sorry for the men who are gay, but lack the courage to tell their spouses, and end up living a lie. Not only do they hurt the person they claim to love, they also hurt themselves, denying themselves a chance for a happy life. But again, each person must weigh up what's most important to them, which needs they need fulfilled absolutely, and which needs are transient. Only then can they decide who is the right person to provide them those needs. 

I have always had horrible luck in relationships. When I was 40 years old, and after 2 years of being single by choice, I met this wonderful man 19 years younger than me, and we fell in love. We were just friends for an entire year, living together as flatmates, in perfect harmony. Everyone thought he was too young for me, myself included, but our relationship persisted for 10 years and grew stronger all the time. Last December (2023) he got down on one knee and proposed to me. I was in heaven. I felt the happiest I had ever been.

I was deathly scared to be so happy, because my past experience has taught me that when you are up, you have something to lose - and I had so much to lose...

Well, I was right to be scared, because last night my loving fiancee and husband to be, told me he was basically GAY. Not bisexual, like I thought, but more or less gay. He has since said we would definitely have sex again, that he still desires me, but he just swings "very heavily" in the other direction. Of course, I want to believe him when he says he still loves me and doesn't want to leave, and that everything will be OK. He says, "nothing's changed", but the truth is, my heart has been ripped out once again. And I know from bitter experience, the devastating impact this will have on my mental state, my work, my writing (I am a passionate writer working on establishing myself as a professional author), basically every part of my life. I am older than he is, but I don't look my age. I am very fit, very active, and I crave sex and intimacy with the man I love, on a regular basis. Once a month isn't going to cut it.

I am isolated, too. We live on acreage, I work from home, and I write huge number of hours every day. I don't watch TV, I don't go out to socialise. I just work, ride my horses, and write. Well, until now I also enjoyed great sex, the best ever sex, with my loving partner, every day that he was home. Plus, trips away with him when we could organise it. Now he is talki

Windancer wrote:

My current relationship is with a 54yo man/me 58, that went through previous marriage/no kids (2018) discovered his wife in bed with her best female friend. No other serious relationship since divorce.
We've been dating /living together for 2 years now. Intimacy was ok @ 1st.
Issues of Intimacy, no physical contact are happening now. Needless to say needing some support for us both. He does admit to how it messed him up, but still refusing to look @ deeper or communicate his feelings and obtain help. I've been very supportive & understanding, but cant help if he's not willing either. Where should we look to for help/counseling , books etc? Thank you!

Do you think your man is bisexual, gay or trans? Because this site is for straightspouses, not couples.

Elle