OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum / Torn between "the way it was" and "the way it's going to be"

**Posted by Ellexoh_nz** August 6, 2017 2:54 pm

When I began this journey...and realised there was no way I could do it by myself...the first thing I did was search for books on cheating partners. Ordered a book online "out of the dogbox" but even though there were situations in the book I could identify with.....it just didn't seem to gel with what I was going through. Via the internet, typing in "bisexual partners" I found Mark Bentley-Cohen's website and in my emotional, questioning state..sent off an email to him, just wanting contact with someone...anyone...about what I was going through, expecting a reply like others seemed to receive. It's been months since I sent it, no reply, although other letters to Mark, after mine, 'have' been replied to. Then I read a few of his answers to people who were questioning their partners bisexuality and it seemed he was adamant, almost fervent, about *men's authenticity* and the need to become their true selves and not let their partners stand in their way to achieve this...

**this is NOT what I wanted to hear,,!!!**

Then I searched through Tedtalks...LOTS of them ( I think the movement to "be authentic" is greater in the bisexual world than it is in the straight spouse world....simply because the straight spouse hurts more and has way more to lose in all this). Anyway...I found Emily Reese' talk and then the SS Network and felt I'd found a place of understanding, and although I'm no closer to finding the answer to the biggest most hurtful questions in my entire life....there now seems to be a clear divide between the opposing ideals of my partner & I...and I know the answer is there, and I'm the one who has to ultimately put my finger on it and shout "found it"...!!!

It is sad that all this...the angst, the soul-searching, the pain....has to happen online, because I'm not ready to hurt
all around me by at least opening the door to my man's secret and letting some light in..in the real world. The funny thing is.....he has a brother whose 1st wife came out early in their marriage and is now "happily authentic" ( I say "happily-authentic" with the greatest bitterness I can muster)....and this brother is one person I could talk to.....but don't dare.

Sad and funny. Man I'm hurting this morning

Last edited by Ellexoh (August 6, 2017 3:22 pm)

**Posted by Duped** August 6, 2017 3:37 pm

Deleted

Last edited by Duped (November 11, 2019 3:24 pm)

**Posted by Ellexoh_nz** August 6, 2017 4:29 pm

Duped wrote:
Ellexoh, if you can, get the most out of the online connections. Friends are great,.

I told my sister about our open r'ship a few years ago. Very judgemental, so I can't lay my soul to her again. My oldest, dearest friend.....who lives in Washington state.....reeled at my situation & was a bit cruel in her reaction so I'm treading on eggshells there.
And I don't want to tell my immediate family of what has happened because I can't yet conceive how I would explain that their father, brother, uncle, friend.....has a secret, and *I* am the one keeping it.

~!@#$%^

**Posted by Rob** August 6, 2017 7:24 pm

Ellexoh,

This is not your secret to bear..Tell who you must if it helps.. you don't have to tell all details if if it serves no purpose. Call that sister, start out with an I'm sorry, and if she has any quality she'll understand. This is an emergency and there is no room for pride or grudges,

**Posted by lily** August 6, 2017 8:53 pm

Hi Ellexoh,

this might not be what you want to hear but you need to firm up before you start looking for support from the people in your life.

If you are leading the charge then people can back you. but while you are still back and forth they won't want to get in the middle of it all - do you want support to stay married or do you want support to end it.

If you just want support on a personal level while you decide then we are probably the best option you have.

The stress of contemplating the end of a long term marriage is enough to make you settle for remaining in it - 'I might be miserable but there are worse things out there' sort of idea. And it's so scary hard to do!

good luck wishing you all the best, Lily.

**Posted by Ellexoh_nz** August 6, 2017 9:58 pm

Thanks Lily and Rob.

Food for thought