Thanks for writing Duped. In reply:

1.I have a quick question Sean, did you ever go through the trans porn stage?

​I have recently overcome a long-term porn addiction, but I never watched trans (nor trannie) porn. 

2. My ex is heavily into it but denies he's gay, although he has looked at gay porn, probably more than I know. But he says it's the feminine aspect that he's attracted to.

​Let's just take a step back here. Your cross dressing ex-husband watches trans porn but claims gay porn doesn't interest him? My head is spinning. If he has a history of lying, he's probably lying about his porn and sex habits as well.

​3. That said, we had very little good sex and I am feminine!

​This is the key in my opinion. Gay-in-denial husbands can swear up and down about "being curious" or "just once" or even "low testosterone" but it's the lack of intimacy that normally creates tension between spouses. Excuses only last for so long before a straight wife starts investigating. And what she normally finds is he's having sex with a computer screen and/or dozens of men through Craigslist or Grindr. So getting back to what you wrote: you've caught him in another lie. He says he's turned on by femininity but not his wife. This is yet another contradiction.

4. I know he's a crossdresser which is different to you but I suspect he's also gay but deeply in denial.

I agree.  

5. So much trans porn and weird porn where he's instructed to 'pleasure' a transsexual (probably also men), I just think it's a denial thing, if the person looks female it's ok and much of the porn was in that vein, i.e the women calling him gay, which turned him on. I just don't get it. Any insight appreciated.

I don't quite understand what you've shared here Duped. Please explain if you can. Unfortunately, I don't know any cross dressers and I've never really watched trannie porn so I'm afraid I can't provide much insight. Sorry! 

​From what you've shared Duped, I believe you're now divorced. Question: why are you still investigating? Are you still in daily contact with your ex-husband? What you've written sounds a lot like you two are still living together. Are you? As I've shared before, I'd urge you to focus 100% on yourself and your own healing. Perhaps it's time to go no contact or at least limited contact. He sounds rather toxic. Now that your marriage is over, I believe it's time to focus on you rather than continuously hoping a lifelong liar will suddenly tell you the truth. I hope that helps in some way my friend. If I haven't answered your questions, please feel free to post again.

Last edited by Séan (May 3, 2017 7:47 am)

I really should find sometime to sit down with a beer and read this entire thread. I have a question and again sorry if you answered it before. So is it safe to assume that the I didn't know ,This is new to me defense is B.S ?
I knew in about the 5th grade when I first laid eyes on my neighbor /classmate that it was girls for me. Lol
Thanks for putting in the time to answer all our questions it's appreciated.

Deleted

Last edited by Duped (November 11, 2019 2:37 pm)

Thank you Duped and Bec for sharing. In response to your latest posts:

1. Duped wrote: [My ex-boyfriend is] a mess and what I've shared is the tip of the iceberg as I'm sure may of us do. He's a sad little puppy when I do see him, and so sweet and thoughtful...NOW, not back then when I was miserable.

This sounds very familiar Duped. You'll know that you're healing when you no longer feel the need to protect him, nor keep his secrets. I'm guessing that porn was just the tip of the iceberg. The progression is often from porn, to online chats, to Craigslist (or others), and then hookups with other men. Eventually you'll feel safe and detached enough to share everything but please take your time. What you've posted sounds a lot like narcissistic personality disorder. As I've written in previous posts, gay-in-denial partners often develop full-blown narcissistic personality disorder ("narc" or "NPD" for short). NPD is a toxic form of self-centredness through which the narc sees others as an extension of his/herself, to a point that they are incapable of feeling empathy towards their spouses for example. It's like being stuck in your terrible twos...forever. I believe my NPD was how I dealt with being in the closet and terribly afraid of being outed, rejected, and humiliated. While the narc is self-centred, they still need partners to provide a constant supply of love, appreciation, and validation (often referred to as "supply"). And when they risk losing their partner's supply, they use a number of tricks and manipulations like playing the victim or "sad puppy" as you've written. Be careful because it's often just an act to trap you again. Once you're back in the relationship, the abuse will simply continue.      

2. Bec wrote: My husband makes the same claim.  He watched men Masturbate on periscope but he has zero sexual interest in men..... What?!?!?!?!. He's now claiming he was just trying to process feelings that were left over from being molested as a child by his father.  Which he never told me about until I decided to sleep on the couch instead of our bed and he realized I was serious this time.   They live in a world I don't understand.

This seems to be a common "Hail Mary pass" of sorts by gay-in-denial (narc) husbands. When they're cornered, the gay-in-denial husband suddenly reveals a touching child abuse story which is often complete horsesh*t. Kel wrote an excellent post explaining why they do this which you can read here: http://straightspouse.boardhost.com/viewtopic.php?pid=7570#p7570. I agree with Kel that they're simply trying to re-frame the situation to make themselves the victims again, rather than the abusers. Time and time again, I've read about gay husbands sharing child abuse stories. The circumstances are often similar:

- Gay-in-denial husband (GIDH) gets caught (yet again) red-handed
​- GIDH senses that this time his straight wife is angry to the point of demanding a divorce
​- His back against the wall, out come the tears and, suddenly, a child abuse sob story

​Child abuse is horrific and it does happen. I'm not denying that. However, I believe most GIDH's claiming child abuse are lying. Why? It's just another manipulation. They're playing on their wives' natural instincts to nurture and protect in a f*cked up attempt to reframe the relationship with a victim (the GIDH) and saviour (straight spouse). As Kel shared, it's just another attempt to shift the blame: "See I'm doing all of these terrible things because of child abuse. It's not me." The truth is the GIDH is an abuser, liar, and maniuplator. His wife is the innocent victim, not the other way around. So when you hear a child abuse story from a husband who has lied to you for his entire life, you have every right to be skeptical. Ask yourself whether you should stay married to a man who no longer has sex with you, who constantly lies to you, who cheats on you, who abuses you emotionally, and who would go so far as to fabricate a false history of child abuse rather than just admit he's gay. The good news is that when a straight spouse hears the fake child abuse story, this is often marks the final chapter of her troubled gay/straight marriage. This final lie, and it is a lie, often motivates the straight spouse to detach, separate, and divorce.  

​I hope that helps in some way my friends. Be well.  

Last edited by Séan (May 4, 2017 7:42 am)

I resent the above quote incase you missed the question.
Thanks