A gay ex-husband answers your questions

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Posted by Demons-halo
April 28, 2017 10:25 am
#531

Kel I think for once you totally lost me on that last paragraph. Lol

Gave it awhile to sink in but I think I figured it out.
In a nutshell. She doesn't know what love really is or feels like and she won't know until she has her first real encounter. Then she will realize and understand what I have been trying to tell her. About how this feels because right now I am so tired of her playing clueless saying she doesn't understand what's wrong and being treated like it's my fault.

Last edited by Demons-halo (April 28, 2017 12:33 pm)

 
Posted by Séan
April 28, 2017 11:23 am
#532

​Hey Nash! Thanks for writing. In reply:

1. Can a guy only be attracted to the same sex "because it's taboo"? This is the 'logic' my GIDH gives when we talk on the subject.

​Anything is possible Nash. This sounds very similar to arguments like "I was just curious" or "it was a college thing." I had a lively debate about this with a fellow member a few pages ago. What strikes me is how gay in denial husbands all do the same thing: minimize; deny; deflect; and (finally) project/attack. I can see trying something once or twice because it's taboo and a bit thrilling. That's why we have roller coasters after all. But we don't choose to live on roller coasters. Here are some "one time" things people try:

- I kissed another boy once because it was taboo
​- I shoplifted once in my teens because it was taboo
- I tried smoking pot once because it was taboo

​I get all of these things. But the "one off" logic dies when a husband surfs porn, cruises Craigslist ads, and hooks up with men while lying about it for years...if not decades.  
 
2. Also, he claims that we have no sex life due to low-T, yet he uses Internet porn and masturbates on the regular. I know that's not 'normal' for guys with low-T, so how should I broach that part with my H?

If he can get it up for (gay) porn then he can get it up for his wife. The testosterone argument sounds like a bit of a smoke screen my friend. I'm not sure you need to broach anything with him. If your husband is anything like I was while in denial, he's spent most of his life lying about his sexuality. After 10, 20, or 30 years of denial, he's living in his own little parallel universe in which watching gay porn and hooking up with men just means he's 'curious' not gay. So there is very little chance he'll tell you the truth. Why? He's not evil, he's just scared of his own sexuality and thereby constitutionally incapable of being honest with himself.  

3. I feel like he only discloses any aspect of this whole situation once I confront him with facts, research, and irrefutable proof....

I'm sorry you're living through this frustrating situation. I've only been posting on this forum for about five months so please gage my opinions and advice accordingly. I am no expert. Here is what I believe. First, when a straight spouse starts doubting her husband, investigating, joins this forum, and finally starts posting here, all of this suggests her marriage is in deep trouble. Second, I don't think you're going to get honest answers from any man who has been keeping this secret by lying to himself and others his whole life. No matter how many times you catch him surfing gay porn, messaging via Craigslist, or even hooking up with men, it's unlikely he'll be able to say to his WIFE, "I'm gay." Third, I believe you have a choice. Continue to care, cajole, or shove a lifelong gay-in-denial man to confront his biggest fear: being outed. OR you can simply adopt an approach that has worked for so many other straight wives by saying, "I know you're gay. I know you're not ready to tell me nor accept it. But I can no longer continue to live like this so I'm going to do the following..." 

​I hope that helps in some small way. Please feel free to write again if I haven't answered your questions. 

Last edited by Séan (April 28, 2017 11:27 am)

 
Posted by Still Wondering
April 28, 2017 12:08 pm
#533

Nash - I agree with Sean.  He's spot on about the taboo excuse.  My gay in denial ex used that excuse.  It was the first excuse he used about why he was looking at gay porn.  Well, actually, "it popped up from a regular porn site" was his first excuse, but this was the first excuse that didn't involve blaming it on an accident.  But then years went by, and more years...and the gay porn kept popping up.  Then the dildos arrived in the mail.  Then I found out he had been watching for years before we were even married.  It's nothing more than a lie that will buy them time until they can figure out the next lie.  I'm so sorry.  But that's exactly how it started for me.

Last edited by Still Wondering (April 28, 2017 1:54 pm)

 
Posted by Demons-halo
April 29, 2017 4:24 pm
#534

Sean
You posted before about the gay adolescent phase. I don't know if you know but do women go through the same phase? I really don't want to put my kids in a situation where mom is bringing home a different woman every week or she's not there because she's to busy "living her life" I think that's the nicest way I can put it.

Last edited by Demons-halo (April 29, 2017 4:28 pm)

 
Posted by Séan
May 1, 2017 3:38 am
#535

Thanks for posting DH. In reply:

"You posted about the gay adolescent phase. I don't know if you know but do women go through the same phase? I really don't want to put my kids in a situation where mom is bringing home a different woman every week or she's not there because she's to busy "living her life" I think that's the nicest way I can put it."

My "adolescent phase" was like a gay high school rerun. Despite being in my 40s, I was self-centred, sex-obsessed, and moody as hell after coming out. I've also heard gay men refer to this as their "slut phase" or when a gay man acts a bit like a kid in a candy store, openly exploring his sexuality after denying or hiding it for so long. In response to your question, I don't know if lesbians go through something similar. I can't speak for gay women because I'm a man and have few lesbian friends. Perhaps some of the straight husbands like Rob and Phoenix who post here can speak to how their gay wives acted during their coming out phases. I've read in various studies that lesbian women are the most monogamous, followed by heterosexual couples, with gay men being the least monogamous.

This suggests that lesbians err more on the side of long-term monogamous relationships and perhaps have shorter "gay adolescent" phases. Most of the gay men I know, including myself, struggle with monogamy and as such have open relationships. Why? In my opinion, males are sexual opportunists who over time have evolved to have as many partners as possible to produce the maximum number of offspring. And with Craigslist, Grindr, and Scruff, it's very easy for both closeted and out gay men to hook up with other men. Women, I believe, tend to favour monogamy. While I and my gay male friends have all had multiple partners, most lesbians I have met have had fewer partners and more long-term relationships. I'm not sure if this means a gay woman would have shorter and less intense "gay adolescence" so I look forward to reading posts from straight husbands on this topic.  

​I'm sorry I couldn't be more helpful DH. Be well.

 
Posted by Demons-halo
May 1, 2017 6:38 am
#536

It's ok any answer is a good answer at this point.Just trying to get as much information as possible to hopefully make wiser decisions for the choices I am going to have to make.My kids are close to the same ages as yours when you came out to the wife. I just feel like this is going to tear them apart.  Thanks for taking the time to answer.

Last edited by Demons-halo (May 1, 2017 6:41 am)

 
Posted by Séan
May 1, 2017 12:04 pm
#537

I'm not going to lie to you DH, the break up will be traumatic, but necessary. However, the moment you separate is when your kids will start healing. For mine, it took about 12-18 months before they got back to normal. I now firmly believe gay/straight marriages need to end as quickly and amicably as possible. I don't believe a mixed orientation marriage is possible between a straight spouse and a gay spouse. While it might work for a straight spouse and a bisexual spouse, hiding/denying my sexuality through a fake marriage would have ended with me committing suicide. I also believe it's better for my children to have one stable parent (their mother), rather than being raised by a straight mother clinging to an abusive, narcissistic, and cheating *sshole of a husband (me). Ultimately, we're teaching our children relationship skills and I don't want my children to have loveless, sexless, and emotionally abusive relationships. So yes it's going to be hell for a few years, but you're ultimately cutting off a gangrenous limb of a marriage to save the patient(s). I'm now 3 years post separation and 20 months divorced. My kids are happy and thriving. Yes I'd like to see them more, but at some point I had to accept that while I was dealing with my own sh*t, I was toxic. My absence was necessary to allow the kids to heal. I hope that helps in some way my friend. Please keep us posted. You are not alone.  

Last edited by Séan (May 1, 2017 12:06 pm)

 
Posted by lily
May 1, 2017 3:08 pm
#538

Hi Sean,

Just wanted to say I appreciate your straight talking - I could not agree more - straight/gay does not work.  And also your care for the children.

wishing you all the best, Lily

 
Posted by Séan
May 2, 2017 9:14 am
#539

Thank you for your kind note Lily. If there are any straight spouses who have questions for a gay (and now divorced) ex-husband, I'm more than happy to answer.

 
Posted by Duped
May 2, 2017 12:59 pm
#540

Deleted

Last edited by Duped (November 11, 2019 2:38 pm)

 


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