Posted by Séan  April 26, 2017 5:00 pm | #521 |
Thank you Vicky & Abby for sharing. If I'm reading this correctly, we're debating the oft repeated myth that gay men are child molesters. My ex-wife expressed a similar concern shortly after we'd divorced. She said something along the lines of "be careful when the kids are around your [gay] friends." I asked her flat out if she thought gay men were sexual predators. When she finally said "yes" I didn't get angry. I simply told her that, statistically-speaking, Catholic priests are a greater threat to our children than my friends. I then went on to explain that most child molesters identify as straight and prey upon both boys and girls. I didn't hold any of this against her. If you're over 40 as we are, you've most likely heard all the arguments and innuendos that gay men are bathroom predators, perverts, and sexual deviants. This was common fodder just ten to twenty years ago. Thankfully times and opinions have changed. (In an aside, many of these arguments were dusted off during the whole transgender bathroom predator debate last year.) Not too long ago, people questioned whether gays should be allowed to teach in schools because they prey upon kids or "recruit" them to the gay lifestyle. Whereas today it's simply not an issue. But I understand where the straight spouse's fear comes from. If a wife has spent years (or even decades) hearing lies, finding anal sex toys, reading dirty emails or Craigslist messages, and browsing her husband's gay web history, who wouldn't start to think of him as some kind of pervert? So while it's natural to question what kind of partner her ex-husband will bring home from his latest romp at the gay sauna, I don't think we should pre-judge anyone because of their race, religion, or sexual orientation.
Why? Because it's a huge leap to link gay sex between consenting adults to pedophilia. Thankfully few link the two these days but, like racism, prejudice takes a long time to disappear. I'd like to think that when we're angry, stressed or scared, we sometimes revert back to base arguments, name calling, and simplistic opinions. This would be akin to me muttering "b*tch" when a woman cuts me off while driving. Yes it's wrong but sometimes I just have knee-jerk reactions when I get stressed. Sometimes I can't help it. Similarly, a newly divorced straight spouse may angrily think "pedophile" or "predator" when she imagines her former husband's new gay boyfriend meeting her kids. It's a very stressful and painful situation to manage, particuarly so soon after separation or divorce.
Sometimes we've heard certain arguments repeated so often that they become our go-to stances. In my opinion, we're moving away from the whole gay = pedophile myth as attitudes change and we see more gay couples raising happy children. We see gays as loving people and good parents whereas in my youth they were portrayed on TV as sexual deviants. When I was confronted with a similar situation with my ex-wife, the only thing I did was give her the facts, offer to let her meet my partner, tell my kids about him, and let the kids choose when to meet him. Changing opinions takes time and patience. Hell not too long ago I was so scared of being gay and gay people that I married a woman. Why then should I judge my ex-wife for fearing homosexuality? But I did point out to her that I'd never question whether her boyfriend or future husband was a child molester. I just don't assume that straight men are dangerous to children and hope that some day we treat gay people the same way.
I hope that helps. Thanks again for sharing my friends.
Last edited by Séan (April 26, 2017 5:30 pm)
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Posted by Abby April 26, 2017 7:51 pm | #522 |
My original post was not about gay men being pedophiles but a concern about strangers coming to the home even when the children were not there. Here is a link to a story that was in the back of my mind about what can go wrong:
http://philadelphia.cbslocal.com/2017/04/20/lara-ashley-mountz-craigslist-attack/
Here the guys allegedly came along with the woman who responded to the ad. Other times there is a follow-up visit after the premises have been checked out.
Everyone OK now?
Try Gardening. It'll keep you grounded.
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Posted by Séan April 27, 2017 4:31 am | #523 |
Thank you Abby. I'm sorry if I misunderstood your meaning my friend. Nonetheless, I was happy to share about my ex-wife labelling gays "pedophiles." Why? Because it may be a common concern among some straight spouses who have children and are dealing with an ex-husband's new boyfriend. Again, I apologize if I've offended you or others.
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Posted by Still Wondering April 27, 2017 10:08 am | #524 |
I have to jump in here with the whole bringing people in to your home thing.
Abby is right. I've told this story here before, but, when I was a kid (18- 19 ish) my neighbor (a colonel in the military) was killed in his own home in the middle of the night by someone he picked up and brought home. No one knew my neighbor was gay. In fact, he had a wife and three grown kids. The wife was out of town visiting her mom and the kids were living on their own. Apparently (around the downtown nightlife crowd) this man was known to frequent gay clubs and cruise around looking for young men to pick up in the middle of the night while his family thought he was out driving around the cars he worked on as a hobby (this man was in his 60s). This time he decided to bring one of them home. I have no idea if the man was gay or not, all we know is that he was young, from a different country, and was basically picked up on the street. When they got to my neighbor's home, the young man took a lamp, hit my neighbor over the head, killed him, robbed him, and took his car to get away. All of this happened right next to my bedroom window while I was sleeping. The window to their living room was probably 80 feet away from my window. This is what can happen even when the other person has NO weapon.
Four or five days later, when no one had seen or heard from him and his wife couldn't get a hold of him on the phone, the neighbors went into his backyard and looked through the window where they saw the house torn up and him laying on the floor, bloated, and clearly dead. I came home that afternoon to police tape wrapped around the entire street. Slowly, all the details came out about his secret life.
But to Abby's point - it may not just be the gay spouse who is in danger. If someone is bringing strangers around or even their new girlfriend or boyfriend that they have only known for a month, who the hell knows who this person really is?? Gay or straight doesn't matter - what matters is that you don't know this person. It might be the kids who are in danger or it could be your spouse or even you if you're still living in the same house. Strange things can happen - I've been a personal witness to it.
Not that they will listen, but it's always good to reinforce the "no new relationships around the kids" rule. For so many reasons....
And on a lighter note - now I have to sign off because two of my co-workers are in a pissing match that I'm going to get sucked in to. But I'm thankful for my job. Expect maybe not right this minute. 
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Posted by Demons-halo April 27, 2017 10:18 pm | #525 |
Sorry if you've already answered this but there is 54 pages to read through and I'm exhausted.
Did you truly love your wife? Feel any connection to her?
The reason I ask is since my wife told me she has also told me that she only climaxed during sex because I was because I was enjoying it. That she never felt a connection with me. I can't express how much these two statements hurt. We were together a total of 13 years before she told me. Had 3 kids together. We are still together 15 years now and I haven't touched her in a year and a half her choice. I want to rage and say those two things are important and should have been giant red flags that something was wrong. Her being a lesbian was the last thing I ever expected. Her sister even went through a phase like this saying hey I'm gay got into a relationship then changed her mind and nope I'm not. I am not doubting her that she is. I am just so confused and hurt right now and I still love her the same gay or not. I feel like such an idiot right now. For standing by her right now and supporting her defending her. So anyways sorry for the rambling. I just can't help thinking how much this has influenced her decision making all these years together.
Last edited by Demons-halo (April 27, 2017 10:26 pm)
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Posted by Rob April 28, 2017 6:14 am | #526 |
Wow demons..so your wife had the nerve to say it was all fake. Even if it truly was it takes a cruel person to say that. I am scared of such immoral people and want nothing to do with them. I have no doubt now my ex feels the same way ..she didn't say that to me but definitely to her girlfriend. Her and her girlfriend were suddenly Gods dissing their "bad husbands". I met the girlfriends husband..he was just a straight spouse like me with a narc wife. I should go hang out with him but that is a form of contact...no contact.
Take away the gay and these spouses are immoral and cruel. I would go so far as to say they would sell their kids if there was something in it for them.
Protect yourself and kids from such an immoral person.
"For we walk by faith, not by sight .." 2Corinthians 5:7
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Posted by Séan April 28, 2017 6:22 am | #527 |
No need to apologize my friend. It's true this thread has become rather long. In reply:
"Did you truly love your wife? Feel any connection to her?"
When I first started posting here last November, I often wrote that I did indeed love my wife. After posting here every week for the past five months, I'm not so sure of that answer these days. So in response to your question, I think I felt affection for my (then) wife, but not love. I was more in love with:
1. Being straight
2. Conforming
3. Hiding my true sexuality by marrying a woman and having kids
I first felt an attraction to boys around age 5 or 6. So I spent almost 35 years hiding my sexuality and pretending to be straight. I met a girlfriend at age 18 so I'd already spent 13 years pretending to be straight. So it wasn't much of a stretch for me to pretend to love her, particularly when everyone around me was so supportive of my straight relationship. But I could only tread water for so long and in my 30s I really started drowning...and unfortunately taking my wife and kids down with me.
For me, love means: honesty; authenticity; and intimacy. You wrote:
"The reason I ask is since my wife told me she has also told me that she only climaxed during sex because I was because I was enjoying it. That she never felt a connection with me. I can't express how much these two statements hurt."
I'm sorry you're hurting but this sounds a lot like my own gay/straight marriage. For me, it was simply going through the motions while hiding my true sexuality. This is indeed painful but I do believe your wife is telling you the truth. So yes I did feel affection towards my former wife, but I don't believe I ever truly loved her. Thank you for sharing my friend and please feel free to post again if you have additional questions.
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Posted by Demons-halo April 28, 2017 7:05 am | #528 |
Thank you for responding. That was probably the hardest thing I have ever read. I have been thinking about those questions a lot lately and really wanted to ask. Even thought about going on Craigslist to see if someone would be willing to answer. I needed to know. For two years now I have fought with myself feeling hurt and used but I would always defend her actions in my mind because I did feel love for her she means so much to me. My connection grew through the years our marriage birth of our kids are the happiest moments of my life and they just turned to shit because of her actions. Thank you for confirming what my mind was trying to tell me. That in truth she was never there in our relationship with me.
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Posted by Lovealynash April 28, 2017 10:01 am | #529 |
Hey Sean, don't know if you'll see this as this thread was posted quite a bit ago but I have some questions....
Can a guy only be attracted to the same sex "because it's taboo"? This is the 'logic' my GIDH gives when we talk on the subject. Also, he claims that we have no sex life due to low-T, yet he uses Internet porn and masterbates on the regular. I know that's not 'normal' for guys with low-T, so how should I broach that part with my H? I feel like he only discloses any aspect of this whole situation once I confront him with facts, research, and irrefutable proof.... smh
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Posted by Kel April 28, 2017 10:13 am | #530 |
Demons-halo,
I think it's entirely possible for our GID spouses to never have truly been in love before, and think that since they've never felt more for another person than they have for us, that that's love. It may take them years to figure out otherwise - usually because they begin to feel even more for someone else - or a different kind of something. And suddenly, they knew that what they've felt all along never really was "it".
Have you ever played that mind game where you close your eyes, and someone uses their fingers to tickle their way slowly up the inner portion of your forearm, and you tell them when they're reached the crease? When you look, they're still an inch or more away, but you could have sworn that's what you felt. If you keep doing it, you'll eventually get to the point where you get to the point where you feel like they're literally PAST the crease, and you think they MIGHT be there. And you look, and they're right there - not past it at all. I think that's what it can be like - you think you're there, but until you truly do get there, you just think you're there. I'm not sure if I'm making any sense here.
Kel
You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.
