Sean
Would you think it's unusual for a gay man to be masturbating to heterosexual porn? I found more links in his history, which appears to be Hetero however some didn't have titles.
Further contributing to my confusion is once again providing a perfect opportunity to "go for it" with me and he didn't.  He seems very content for me to behave as if I "want" him and leave it at that.   So odd. 
I know I need to move on and work on myself and figure out what is next but the part of me that needs answers is winning over my rational side.

Thanks for sharing OOHC and Lisa. In reply to Lisa's post: 

1. Would you think it's unusual for a gay man to be masturbating to heterosexual porn? I found more links in his history, which appears to be hetero however some didn't have titles. 

I don't know Lisa. Heterosexual porn has both men and women so if he's gay, which the facts you've provided seem to support, then he's likely watching the men and not the women. Putting aside these secondary issues, when a straight spouse starts posting here, playing detective, and the couple no longer has sex, this often suggests the relationship is in serious trouble. 

2. Further contributing to my confusion is once again providing a perfect opportunity to "go for it" with me and he didn't.  He seems very content for me to behave as if I "want" him and leave it at that.   So odd.

This sounds a lot like a gay/straight relationship Lisa. If your husband is anything like I was, his #1 priority is hiding his sexuality which means staying married to a woman. When there is conflict in gay/straight relationships and the gay husband risks being "outed" or losing his straight wife, there is often a confusing honeymoon phase during which he may do things to win you back. This may include: a renewed interest in sex; a big change like a move or expensive vacation; or love bombing with flowers, attention, and love talk. But once his straight wife is emotionally re-invested in the relationship, the abuse continues. 

3. I know I need to move on and work on myself and figure out what is next but the part of me that needs answers is winning over my rational side.

I think you're doing very well Lisa. You continue to post here. You're asking the right questions. And most importantly, you're questioning his behaviour which suggests that you're learning to detach. I'm sorry this is confusing, but please keep posting here, getting support from friends & family, and making yourself a priority. 

In response to OOHC: 

4. For you, the marriage was "based on a lie" and a "fiction," a "fantasy," a "myth."  But to your wife as she was living that marriage it was very, very real.  That's one reason, I think, that straight spouses feel so betrayed and angry; straight spouses are acting in relation to what they see in front of them, not knowing that what they're seeing is a false front.  When the gay spouse comes out (or is discovered to be hiding), the straight spouse feels as if her/his past has been wiped away, and the person responsible for it was the very person the straight spouse depended on and was led to believe could be depended on.

100% agree. Thank you for sharing OOHC! I hope I've responded to your posts and answered your questions. If not, please feel free to write again. 

Holy moly, you hit the nail on the head with the desperate measures to save the marriage.  They never lasted more than 4-6 weeks.  My kitchen looked like a flower shop about 18 mo ago.  There were gifts.  We went to punta cana (no sex!) 14 mo ago.  I was the love of his life. The only reason he has worked so hard (never mind the four kids) and he gave me everything I wanted (also untrue).

He told me not long ago he was tired of celibacy and threatened to make me put out or get out.  I didn't respond and he didn't act. Then he told me he gave up on ever having sex with me again.  I also didn't respond to that. The 10 times for 2 minutes each in 12 years hasn't been missed.

Even though he seems classic GID, I still find myself questioning it.  Surely I must be crazy to think such a thing.

Thanks for sharing Lisa, Rob, and Lily. In response to Lily's question: 

1. From the perspective of one who wants a happy life it's just plain stupid - if you are hiding yourself then how are you going to attract someone who will love you for you?  However young and naive we were, we straight spouses seem to instinctively know this. 

I agree. Until we can love and accept ourselves, we can't truly love others. 

2. So my question is more well it's hard to phrase but it's more emotional - did you feel it, did you have this sense that you were wronging her?

Yes. I'll try to answer your question Lily as best I can. When I met my girlfriend, who later became my wife, I was just 18 years old. I was more in love with the idea of being straight than I was in love with her. I'm going to try and explain what it felt like to be gay-in-denial, particularly when I was young. I think all of us have told funny life stories over the years. Quite often these stories start with a nugget of truth, but over the years we exaggerate the details a little, add a funny (but false) anecdote here or there and maybe even fudge a witty retort or hilarious outcome. We are in essence playing to the crowd. Before you start to write, "But I never lie!" I urge you to think about a story you've told for over 20 years. Is this story really 100% true? My feeling is the tall tale we tell after a few decades has little resemblance whatsoever to the original (true) story. In essence, most of the story becomes a complete lie. But we've spent years or even decades telling this now completely false version of events and we've repeated it to the point that it feels like the truth. But deep down we know the story is bullsh*t yet we continue to repeat it and on some level believe it. 

I think the same was true of my gay/straight relationship. It started with a nugget of truth, namely true affection or perhaps even love for my girlfriend, and then I just kept repeating, "I'm straight. I love her. I want to get married" until it felt like the truth. So while I couldn't escape the truth that I was gay, I felt in love because I'd told the story I was in love for so long that it felt like the truth. I hope that makes sense. 

Don't get me wrong, there are some real monsters who have knowingly married straight wives just to have children. There are gay husbands who made a calculated decision to marry "beards" in order to hide their sexuality. Some of these men even remarry another woman post divorce to continue the fiction that they're straight. These men continue to lie to themselves and everyone else. They're still spinning the "I'm straight" story. In my case, I came out to my (then) wife the day she confronted me. While I'd lied to myself and others for years, I couldn't continue lying when faced with overwhelming proof like cheating, a sexless marriage, and an addiction to gay porn. 

I think my situation was a little different. I truly believed I was in love with my girlfriend when I proposed to her. The truth, however, was that I was in love with the idea of conforming, being straight, and having children. Yes there was affection, but I admit I used my ex-wife as part of an elaborate fake story that I was a straight man. I will forever regret that deception because she deserved love and happiness. I guess deep down I knew that I couldn't stay married to a woman I liked rather than loved. While in the beginning I could fake it, over the years, it got harder and harder to maintain the lie that I was straight. And what was once affection turned to resentment, anger, and abuse. 

I hope that answered your questions Lily. If not, please feel free to write again. Be well my friends. 

Last edited by Séan (April 19, 2017 6:39 am)

Hi Foolme. In reply: 

1. Can I ask if you could see the wrongdoing, be it deep down or not while you were in the thick of it and being the GID narcissist or has this insight only come later?

The insight came much later and I still struggle with narcissism. As I've shared before, my narcissism was like a drug or alcohol addiction in that it altered my perception of things and got worse near the end of my marriage. The problem was hiding my sexuality and I'd manage it via my narcissism if that makes any sense. With regards to seeing reality, perhaps I understood the wrongdoing, which would explain my depression, but I still acted like a self-centred narcissistic d*ck. 

2. Also did your narcissism peak (for want of a better phrase) after you were confronted?

Yes I'd say it was worse during the limbo stage post confrontation. I call the time I was out and a sex addict, yet still living with my wife and kids, the limbo stage. My (then) wife and I remained together for about 18 months post disclosure. I'd say I was the most mentally ill or narcissistic about six months to a year after coming out to my wife. 

3. Would you say you got worse with the entitled attitude, blaming everything on your wife, seeing yourself as the real victim in the aftermath of being faced with the real you for sometime and then you got clearer vision a couple of years post TGT? 

I was probably at my worst for the six months prior to disclosure and the six months after. Yes this included the classic narc behaviours: an entitled attitude, blame, and seeing myself as a victim. I probably started seeing things more clearly once I'd come out to my family, which was roughly a year after coming out to my (then) wife. Things really started to improve once we had separated because, without my wife around, I had to own my sh*t, apologize, and change. 

4. Also just curious did you shove your wife under the bus to save yourself with regards what you were talking about with your own family (parents, siblings etc) post TGT?

I have never shoved my ex-wife under the bus. We had couples therapy post-disclosure and the therapist helped me come out, own my mistakes, and apologize for my inexcusable behaviour. I apologized to my ex-wife, her family, and our three kids. I talk to my parents about my ex-wife, but I make a point of never blaming here for our relationship problems. Our marriage failed because I hid my sexuality...period. Any gay spouse who continues to blame the straight spouse for marital problems is simply projecting in my opinion. 

I hope that helps Foolme but please feel free to post again if you have additional questions. 

Last edited by Séan (April 20, 2017 3:41 pm)