OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum / It doesn't feel real

**Posted by Lisa4kids** April 6, 2017 12:23 am

Hi I initially posted in the "is he gay" section. No matter how many signs I see, I have a hard time believing he could be even though I've suspected it for 4 years when I found emails from another man. They were mainly innuendo but i was immediately concerned.
Since finding some of his sex toys the other day (I said nothing but one was an anal vibrator) he seems to be trying extra hard to be touchy feely. He's been gaslighting me for years, I see him as a slight narcissist and I just don't know what to do. I'm trying to rebuild my self esteem and get back to making my own money but until that happens I need to stay put. I'm angry that I wasted all these years and I'm ready to move on. I'm just so scared.
I checked his browser history today twice. Cleared. Also he texted me simply to tell me Barry manilow came out. I wanted to ask if he wants to join him
I want the truth more than anything. I need it to help me heal. I was at the point where I would have been okay with him telling me he rejected me sexually since 2004 because I gained weight. Anything. I just need answers. Validation.

Anyway I'm glad I found this group. Thanks for your help so far.

**Posted by maresyd** April 6, 2017 5:53 am

Lisa4kids,

Glad you found us. Keep posting.

You may never get the truth, but you'll find your truth. You know what you can live with and it sounds like you are starting to understand what you deserve.

**Posted by Lisa4kids** April 6, 2017 6:16 am

Thanks.
I think the fact that I'm also possibly dealing with mental illness in addition to him creating our lie of a marriage, makes it tougher. I realized yesterday he occasionally does things that could be construed as "trying" either for arguments sake or to tell himself he's initiating. Kissing my neck but then walking away. Rubbing my lower back for a minute due to some pain, is lovely but then he leaves. We have spent so much kid free time alone in the house while remaining sexless, it's funny.
I'm Calling a new therapist today so I hope she's not too expensive!!! I need someone to hold my hand.

**Posted by Abby** April 6, 2017 7:48 am

My husband used to kiss me goodbye when I left for work but never greeted me with a kiss when I came home - nothing that might lead to more. I wish you well in finding a good therapist. Just remember that you are there to work on finding your self, not finding out why he is as he is, and it will keep your costs down..

**Posted by phoenix** April 6, 2017 8:08 am

Shock and Denial and two stages in this process. We all go through them, but everyone has a different order and timeframe for each stage.

We all suffered from a disorder called Love. Because we loved our spouses our hearts refuse to accept what our minds tell us. We convince ourselves that it can't be true.. because we don't want it to be true.

Just know that what you are feeling is normal. There is nothing wrong with you.

**Posted by Shari** April 10, 2017 4:29 am

phoenix wrote:
Shock and Denial and two stages in this process. We all go through them, but everyone has a different order and timeframe for each stage.

We all suffered from a disorder called Love. Because we loved our spouses our hearts refuse to accept what our minds tell us. We convince ourselves that it can't be true.. because we don't want it to be true.

Just know that what you are feeling is normal. There is nothing wrong with you.

This!!! This is good stuff... brings me to tears (again)

**Posted by Rob** April 22, 2017 7:52 am

Merediths rambling but true video this week talks about intuition and those feelings we get ...how do we know something is wrong? How do we realize a spouse is really abusing or lying to us..

https://youtu.be/x0bZy1eOPlw

I think that's when I realized it was over..that I could not live with anxiety and trauma..my body telling me things that my mind could not accept. No need for any admission or apology from my ex.