My biggest fears were, in no particular order:
I wouldn't be able to financially survive on my own-2 incomes and a big house, to no house and much less income. Except I did, and I am.
I would never feel truly loved by anyone. Except I did, and I am. By many people; maybe not in the way that I thought love should be. The truth is, it's everywhere. .
I was crazy for thinking he was gay and should stay because we were great friends, and leaving that would be stupid. Except I wasn't crazy, didn't stay, and did leave, and I was right about him.
That I would not be able to trust a man to really let him in emotionally. In the 15 years since I left, there have only been 2 men I've trusted enough and gotten close enough with to do this. A definite weak point for me.
That if I told his truth (and mine) it would hurt more people in such a deep way (I obviously knew this).
It did hurt many, especially because I didn't hold his bags and tell his truth for him. People didn't understand. I just left, and told who I wanted, in my own time. Partially to feel safe from his backlash of assholery, and partially to let go of the iron cloak of his issues that I had carried around for so long.
That people would think I was an idiot for not knowing. I'm sure some people do think that. The thing is, I don't really care. I know I'm not. I also know that those who judge that way haven't had my experience. But the wonderful people here? You have. I thank God every day for all of you, who are strong survivors. Watching the positive fuel on these boards is an amazing high. Thank you.
