OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum / GID NPD - how does an empath leave one when they decide to?

**Posted by phoenix** February 10, 2017 9:15 am

Jen,

I'm so happy to read your post. You are becoming empowered and taking control and that is fantastic!!! Keep pushing forward.

I can't relate to the physical power your husband yields over you, but I can relate the emotional power. I had a horrible time with the mind games while my ex was still in my home. It helps to shift your mind.. don't think of them as the spouse they have been, but rather, start to think of them as your "soon to be ex". That change in perspective will help you deal with them.

Be clear about setting boundaries.. both physical and emotional. Let him know what those boundaries are.. (ie.. he is not allowed in your bedroom, he is not allowed to touch you in any way without permission, etc..)

You are right to look forward to getting him out of the house. That is a huge step. I'm one month removed now from my ex moving out. The difference is staggering. I will warn you. .the first couple days were harder than I expected. The reality of it all sets in and it's very tough. But after that things got better than I expected more quickly than I expected. I can look at a calendar today and realize it's been a month, but it feels like she's been gone for 2 or 3. The distance is such a stress relief. I can live my own life now.. free from the evil she brought into my home and the narcissism she tried to inflict on me.

You are doing fantastic.. keep it up Jen!!! Feel free to scream from the rooftops. You have earned it.

**Posted by Rob** February 10, 2017 3:58 pm

Yes... I am physically afraid of my ex.. I'm just not a strong and bold guy.   I know guys are supposed to be strong and immune to physical abuse.   I would always leave the room in fear. In hindsight I think she
had wanted me to get physical so she could claim abuse.   It was scary.

"..The more I write the more I realize that my situation is entirely about taking back my own reality and living in it, instead of living in his distorted narcissistic reality of delusion. Any thoughts would be appreciated...."

As I get used to my new single life I am starting to see so many things that were distorted by her point of view..her reality.    I'm reconnecting with old friend that she had a problem with for one reason or another..
good people that there is nothing wrong with.   The problem was her.
So I have a different reality now ..I think I'm doing ok with l no contact.    Unfortunately every time she contacts me its a dose of her reality ..I get stressed and anxious.    If she had died I would have less stress..not a nice thing to say but so true... it's like having a crazy psycho ex locked in the basement. You could be having the best day and be in the best mindset and wham; all the sudden you're contacted with crap.. constantly reminding me that she is still alive and capable of so much hurt. I'm getting there...
I remind myself that she cannot hurt me anymore.   I think it will take me years..

**Posted by maresyd** February 11, 2017 10:58 am

JenS, keep posting, we are all here for you.

**Posted by KellyClark** February 12, 2017 12:11 am

These examples of strength are so helpful. I think the detachment it takes to survive and move on is so difficult. I keep thinking of the lessons I learned in al-anon. Detach with love, don't get sucked into crazy/thinking, let go and let God or your higher power, which to me means trusting in the power of goodness.

It really helped me to get angry. My soon to be ex can't let go and I've had to be kind of harsh. And honestly it feels good. I told him we cannot be friends until he's willing to be honest.

I'm putting myself first for the first time in my life and that is a critical survival tool for me. His journey is his work. My journey is to live authentically and honestly. You just can't go wrong with honesty.

Not that I don't backslide once in awhile but I'm doing it less and less all the time. It's really okay to say yes it is all their fault. Keep your focus on the central, foundational lie upon which e erything else was built. None of the other stuff matters. When I realized that none of the other issues we had in our marriage mattered because they all stemmed from his lie, it really simplified things and I stopped trying to rationalize or argue.

It's so freeing to say, it doesn't matter what you believe about your sexuality, I know what I believe. And that's what I base my decisions on. Moving on.

Stay strong and think constantly about the freedom in living honestly.

I feel such compassion for all of you and wish all good things for each of us.

**Posted by Sunflower** February 13, 2017 5:03 pm

Tell him you will think about counseling when he moves out, that you need time to sort your thoughts out. I think once he moves out you will see that counseling most likely is something you won't want to do.

**Posted by Rob** February 13, 2017 9:24 pm

Oh wow Jen, but still the same room... that doesn't sound like it feels "safe" at all.. I mean mentally safe.. I hope you're able to get some sleep.
Living with a gay narcissist recommended tip number 10.. I used a roll up foam mattress from IKEA. I had a separate room but with that mattress I could sleep anywhere..I slept in the kids rooms some nights when they were recipients of her rage (we all cowered together). Sometimes I felt like a street person.
My separate room was my safe spot..I was alone but had some solace and peace.

Know Jen that it is not forever.. there is an end. Our final home is not this gay valley that they created.
Bless you for staying there for your kids and enduring this. Stoic for them...like a rock.

Wishing you peace and strength.

E-hugs.

**Posted by Dee** February 14, 2017 6:13 am

Keep climbing Jen S, keep climbing ! You're doing it, step by step. I'm 2 years out of 30+ years, better every day. We find we have strength in reserves when the going gets really tough and ugly, and we can each other we we start to slip. Hugs to you.

**Posted by JJ1966** February 16, 2017 2:08 pm

Hang in there JenS, some days will be bad, some days will be good. Just let them pass over you like the wind.

brave- sara barreiles
Joanne

**Posted by Rob** February 16, 2017 5:30 pm

Jen,
Therapist don't tell us what to do..at least mine doesn't. So if I asked mine if I was past the point of no return she would say "do you think you are?". But she would follow it up with some pretty self answerable questions;
"your wife is gay..do you really think you can make it work?", "after the way she is treated you do really think you could stay?"

Yeah be kind to yourself ..give yourself a break.

**Posted by maresyd** February 16, 2017 8:47 pm

JKPeace, final today? Big huge hug to you.

JenS, Therapists don't and shouldn't tell us what to do. You're exhausted. Your therapist may have wanted you to fight when it was suggested that you could go back down the mountain and give up. I'm not your therapist, and neither is anyone on this board, but I safely say, we are at the bottom, middle and other side of the mountain, to catch you or to help prop you up. We all get it. This is a damn marathon. Some days will utterly suck.

You CAN do this. You know where you want to be. Who else can you get in your life, off these boards, to cheer you on?

Keep going, even if it's baby steps. But be good to yourself, I agree with Rob and jk peace.

Virtual Hug
M