OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum / Helping Others to Understand

**Posted by jkpeace** January 28, 2017 7:38 pm

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Last edited by jkpeace (April 13, 2017 7:28 pm)

**Posted by Rob** January 29, 2017 6:04 am

Good story.

We can never expect others to understand TGT and us. Its hard for them to wrap their head around..heck we have a hard time with it or we wouldn't be here.

You did better than I did. ..I just cried when I was opening my accounts. .I did not give the kind bank person any details. .just that I was doing what needed to be done. Looking back I'm glad the bank person did not ask for more details...I was in no condition at the time.

I'm glad your STBX is being kind..my exs gayness became a footnote..albeit a big one, in comparison to how cruel she became. I sometimes think God did this for me to make it easier to detach and want to get away from her. Drowning in hurt it was fear that would motivate me.

....a bank account is both necessary and prudent. I felt a bit guilty about it but all I had to do was remember that she had an account and had been stashing money away in it with no guilt or remorse. She had no problem opening an account and keeping it secret. Not someone that loved me.

**Posted by maresyd** January 29, 2017 6:26 am

JKPeace,
You are amazing.
I think we all recognize things from our own vantage points. It's so great that you tried to help the banker see differently, but I'm afraid some people just won't. All you can do is be the wonderful, loving model that you are to your kids and to the world around you.
If the last several weeks haven't shown you, hatred is the new color in our country. Intolerance is the new color in our country. It's awful to see, but all you can do is stand for what you believe in, and be your own loving self. For that, I tip my hat to you. You are brave and strong.
It's wonderful to see that you and your ex are as amicable as can be given the situation. It is so healing when you can look back on the sadness and rage and just see it as that--all things being valid but in the past. There will be days when those feelings creep up, believe me. But as you move forward, less and less.
You are doing what you need to do for yourself. Please don't let other people's ignorance stop you from being who you know you are. It's very beautiful, I hope you know that.

Hugs, M

P.S., If it helps, the bank teller's comment made me spit out my coffee laughing. So she's both your therapist, and a doctor to "cure" him? hahahaha

**Posted by lily** January 29, 2017 2:02 pm

I must admit the first thing I think, with the ready suggestion of hormone therapy and the bank teller's feeling of confusion, is that it is likely her husband is gay too. so many of us around, I think.

**Posted by fembotreturns** January 29, 2017 7:52 pm

jkpeace...after nearly 30 years, I too opened a separate account, but did not share the details (because the banker works with my employer), but do respect that you did share the reasons and made it a teachable moment. Think about it...how would we, if we had not lived it, respond to "my spouse is trans, gay or bi". Felt so awkward to have separate accounts after decades of one, but now days, I would tell all women AND men to start their marriage with separate accounts. One never knows if a partner will have money issues, gambling, drugs, etc., and best to ensure that at least half of the funds are at the unsuspecting spouse's disposal. Also smart to have separate credit, phone and other accounts to ensure both have credit, and have a way to get out of a bad situation (drugs, cheating, abuse, etc.).

**Posted by whatasham24** January 29, 2017 8:51 pm

JKpeace, how beautiful that you have arrived at this place. You're right, you have to let go of anger in order to move on. I'm in that zone now too. I still don't trust him or accept his denial or excuses, but he clearly will not ever apologize or get it, not from my perspective anyway, so I need to walk away from that yearning, it's a waste of sacred & scarce energy. It's also so important to children, no matter their age, to see parents handling life as gracious & loving as possible.......without being a doormat!

Maresyd is right: there is enough hate going around these days, it's gross.