I understand that for those of us who are over 50 and in long marriages money is an issue. Many of us stay because divorce means a less financially secure future. It's true in my case. But's it also the case that I have used the money issue to avoid dealing with my co-dependency; it's hard to leave a long time marriage, hard to confront my own weaknesses. I know I'm getting something out of the marriage aside from the financial benefit, and I know that the thing I'm getting is not a positive thing; I stay because it allows me not to have to confront my fears about my ability to be alone and feel worthwhile on my own. I stay because I was conditioned to believe that I had worth only to the extent I was giving myself away and that I am worthy of love only if I am giving myself away. Staying in the marriage allows me to avoid dealing with my insecurity and to deflect my uncertainty about myself onto my spouse. The past two years since he's disclosed to me his wish he were female and his pleasure in feminizing himself, however, I have moved from "Maybe I can accept this" to "I need to stay for three more years for the money" to "I don't think I can stay another year." The emotional toll has become intolerable enough that for me the financial benefit is no longer seeming so necessary or so attractive, and that means I am moving to the place I will also be confronting my own problems, the ones that have kept me in a marriage in which I have been emotionally frozen out for years even before his disclosure. (I am fotunate that I have a secure job, and retirement and savings.)
As for inheritance, I'm on the other side of that fence. I expect to inherit from my mother, and I don't think he should get a penny of it; indeed, I'd been thinking that one reason I needed to divorce him sooner rather than later is to ensure he doesn't get any of it. But after reading about this here, I looked up the laws in my state--and inheritance here is considered non-marital property. So I'm safe. I'd urge everyone, though, to check the laws where you are; depending on what you find it could change your prospects and course of action. And don't for a minute think your spouses aren't doing the same.
Last edited by OutofHisCloset (January 19, 2017 8:57 am)
