OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum / The worst pain - known only by straight spouses

**Posted by Still Wondering** November 14, 2016 2:14 pm

I agree 100% Kel. There are much worse things we could all have happen.

Again, please don't think I'm discounting it. I have lived through this shit storm. Some of us had it worse than others. I often think of Rob and others on here who endured awful verbal abuse from their spouse. No one is discounting the gay thing. But we are all going to be ok. This too shall pass, and it can pass! I sat around a long time feeling sorry for myself (hell, sometimes I still do)! Some days I have to make a conscious effort to not be pissed about how my life was ripped apart. Some days I'm fine and others I want to sit around and be angry. But we have to stand up and say that we will not let this take control of our lives. Only let it be a season of your life. Don't let them take what's left! Please don't let them take what's left.

**Posted by Kel** November 14, 2016 2:29 pm

I'm just happy that we live in a day and age when we can easily leave if we choose to (vs. being persecuted for divorcing). We may feel trapped, and we are - but more by financial constraints and by the expectations of our family/public/religion - all of which we CAN choose to buck, if we so choose. We will not be beheaded because of our choice. We can and do choose to have full, lush lives after this kind of tragedy. We need only to see ourselves as the author of our own stories. And that yes - the gay thing is just a chapter (or several) in our book - not the theme of the entire book.

Kel

**Posted by Rob** November 14, 2016 3:07 pm

" Don't let them take what's left! Please don't let them take what's left."

I'm trying.. And I guess I agree ...having a problem with one of the kids that can't be fixed is probably worst.
Would I do it again if it meant curing my kids heath problems.. yes, I guess so.

But it was still hell on earth

Last edited by Rob (November 14, 2016 3:16 pm)

**Posted by Clif** November 15, 2016 9:30 am

"Everything has been a lie. All those memories of love and joy were false - tainted by the knowledge that their love for you was not full and complete. That they lied to you about who they were and therefor you didn't even know the person you were married to."

Thanks Lostdad!. This phrase sums up my thoughts on this perfectly.

**Posted by Jenn** November 15, 2016 10:28 pm

A dear friend lost her child to a terrible disease. Years later she told me that what I went through with my ex - never knowing, never understanding, never realizing what a liar he was for decades as he stole away my life.

**Posted by Jenn** November 15, 2016 11:38 pm

She said that what I went through with the lies and betrayal was worse. I don't know if I agree, but that was how a woman who suffered so greatly saw my circumstances.

**Posted by Leah** November 16, 2016 12:01 pm

Well said everyone really. I am having a tough week of loneliness, tears and regret, not coping. Finally called a counsellor, I've lent on friends too much and today again, burst into tears when my youngest son calls which explains why he doesn't call..... Feeling I can't really get past this. I'm so lonely. AT 50+ alone at home, self-employed I have far too much time to ruminate....

And so I come here and see that you all are doing it. And full of optimism, well done jkpeace! I needed you guys today. Thanks for the inspiration. I feel shitty. It will pass. And I must let go. At least, I haven't contacted my GIDXH who now has a new girlfriend who he is taking to meet his traumatized family at Christmas with two of our sons. That is progress for me to maintain no contact. Usually I go to get my heart broken again with his indifference and cruelty telling me how I rejected HIM!! I deleted his number from my phone.

And Kel I am sorry about that pain. I had to kick my middle son who had problems with drugs and stealing out, but thankfully he seems to be surviving with a job now - he's 24 and it started 10 years ago....so I've had years of worry and angst as it goes against the grain to say no to them when they are so destitute. Tough love is simply tough. Hang in there.

sending love to you all xx

**Posted by Kel** November 16, 2016 12:59 pm

Thanks, everyone. I wasn't trying to throw myself a pity party - really. I was just trying to offer you all some hope that you can get through this and be fine later. Will you have scars? Sure. But just like real ones, they fade and flatten over time, and your life becomes such that you no longer really care about them. You can wear the scars with pride - they are your battle scars. It's little consolation when you're going through it, but know that you will be a stronger, more enriched person after all this. You will know your true strength and be able to help others see the light when they're in a tunnel of their own. I personally know that I wouldn't undo what I've been through because it's part of why I am who I am, and I like myself with this amount of strength and fortitude. I can also tell you that I don't feel that way about everything - I certainly don't feel like what I'm going through with my son is making me better. It's like swimming with a bowling ball attached to your foot. You don't GET stronger from it - you get weaker the longer you fight the weight. You grow numb to the panic and pain after a while. I may come out stronger in the end, but it is NOT something I EVER want to live through again. Unfortunately, I don't see any end in sight. If I could have a genie in a bottle (and only wishes for my own life vs. the lives of the whole planet), I'd wish to win the lotto, wish to lose 150 lbs., and wish for my son to be mentally healthy. That's all I really want in the entire world. If I only had ONE wish, it would be for my child to be healthy. This has been going on for 14 years now, with no end in sight. That's a LONG time to struggle with something so all-encompasing.

You guys WILL get through this, and it'll be in your rear view mirror - I promise. I swear to you this won't last forever. You can do this!

Kel

Last edited by Kel (November 16, 2016 12:59 pm)

**Posted by angry** January 15, 2017 10:17 am

Lostdad,
I've come to this board for support for several years now.
Your original post in this thread sums up my experience exactly and is priceless. Thank you!
. I have been through a lot in my life and this is by far the worst. I still have not revealed his secret to anyone except my therapist [could only afford three sessions], and my SSN local group. .My described him as a narcissistic closeted person, as many are. ....Thank you for this post. I'm saving this one forever!

**Posted by lily** January 15, 2017 3:40 pm

yeah, thanks LostDad for the post. My ex is still targeting my friends and badmouthing me. It's shocked me all over again at how successful he is and my closest friends. I am hurting all over again this weekend and welcome the support here.

I wonder about the spouses of narcissists. Whether it is the same thing of losing your past when you wake up to the truth of them, that they are lying to you about themselves and hiding their true feelings. I think TGT might be making it worse because they are lying about that too. but still a narcissist presents a false persona and hides behind it just like a GID does.

I dunno. I just get this feeling that probably the gay thing does make it worse.