OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum / Having a bad day

**Posted by jjrab8486** January 14, 2017 4:20 pm

I am really sad right now. I feel like there is a hole in my heart in the place where my wife used to be. This weekend is really gonna suck also because we are going to tell the kids we a getting a divorce. I feel like I have an endless well spring of pain and sadness.

**Posted by lily** January 14, 2017 6:38 pm

yeah. the feeling sad bit hurts so much doesn't it. I could not sympathise more.

I am writing tho because I believe you are at risk of being taken to the cleaners. Two ways - financially and in your children's affections. Don't give your wife a free pass on anything. Anything not true she says - counter it. Don't leave the house and don't give in on custody - fight. No decisions until you're ready to make them. You're in shock, she's had years to think about this moment. Fight back. Put one foot in front of the other, don't give up don't let her call the shots, you know what's best for the children. Please don't think she is going to be nice. It's just not likely to be the truth of it.

And please, check your finances. My ex had already started siphoning money into a separate account long before I even knew we were heading for divorce. ZsaZsa Gabor said 'dahlink, you don't know the man you married til you divorce him' she is right. your view of who your wife is will change as the rose-coloured glasses come off. Stand your ground. Take your time. Trust yourself, you know what to do. Wishing you all the best, I know how unbearable it feels, it will get better in a little while, promise. Lily

**Posted by maresyd** January 14, 2017 7:03 pm

jjrab8486, we all know how you feel. So sorry today is a bad one. Let us know how it goes with the kids. And listen to lily, it does get better. We promise.

**Posted by jjrab8486** January 14, 2017 8:42 pm

Honestly I really want her to have the house. I have been trying to sell it and no one will buy it. i say good riddance to that house.

**Posted by maresyd** January 14, 2017 9:00 pm

jjrab8486, do what feels right to you. We all have different experiences, so there isn't one of us that can say what is right for you. We are here for you to help you fight through the pain, and those of us that are in the clear can tell you there will be sunny skies again. I found leaving the home got me away from unhappy memories as well. We didn't have kids, so that was not a factor. Hopefully you can get a new place where your kids can have a second home and start building your own memories away from your spouse. And maybe there will be a day when you all can share new memories.

Hugs to you....

**Posted by lily** January 14, 2017 9:30 pm

staying in the house now is not about who gets to keep the house, it's about negotiating your way through the divorce and financial settlement.

100% of the people I know who just walked away and let their spouses claim what they wanted are not happy afterwards. There's a reason for that, there's a term for it even - financial abuse. They feel abused all over again by the divorce settlement.

okay so maybe you think if you act nice then she will. I thought that. That's what my ex was saying to me. But I didn't move out. I didn't move until I had a signed financial settlement and then I could walk away and complete the divorce at my leisure. It was 18 months of hell in which I got a real insight into the nature of my ex. I am glad I went through it. I'm glad I got that dispassionate viewing of my ex as he tried everything from crocodile tears and I love you to intimidation and plain out trickery. I'm glad I fought to get a fair split.

The only thing I regret about the divorce is that I was a bit generous with him at the end. He didn't deserve it, I could have done with the extra money. It didn't make him any kinder towards me, then or now.