Here are the suspicious signs I have noticed about him before I go into the details of the story:

• He called himself queer but denied being attracted to men.
• Many gay men openly hit on him in public; I saw this a few times when we were together.
• Before he was 35, he had never had a girlfriend. Between ages 28–32, he constantly surrounded himself with the LGBT community. He regularly partied with his gay friends and used MDMA.
• When we met, he made up stories about six ex-girlfriends but later confessed he was a "virgin."
• He was paranoid if I touched his upper back.
• He admitted he didn’t get along with straight men, saying he had nothing in common with straight male groups.
• After moving to my country at 30, he would deliberately check out gay bars, saying LGBT people are more welcoming and friendly.
• On his Facebook messenger, he once called one male friend as “dad,” while the other called him “son.”
• He was obsessed with his appearance and body building, followed a strict vegan diet, and even used Botox and fillers, claiming it was ‘something many French men do.’
• I found two photos of him wearing high heels or a pink crop top, posing as a sexy woman with his gay friends. When I asked him about it, he said it was “just for fun.”

On the other hand:

• I never found solid evidence that he had sex with men or was in relationships with them.
• He had a strong crush on his female flatmate for almost a year.
• He was genuinely into me when we met.

However, the suspicious signs confused me — things I had never encountered with any of my other exes. I have been wondering who this man had been with, or whether I have been deeply gaslit and manipulated all along.----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------I met my ex while I was in a transitional period—new to a country, feeling lonely and vulnerable. Then he flew to visit me from the country he lived in (I had relocated not long after we met) for Christmas and New Year. I was touched and thought this guy cared and was serious about me, so I quickly opened my heart.However, “incompatibilities” appeared from the beginning. Quite a few times, I transparently brought up my concerns about his sexuality and told him that I was looking for a serious relationship to have a family, as my biological clock was ticking. He always told me he was straight and that he wanted me. During the relationship, his wandering eyes on other girls often upset me and distracted my concerns about his sexuality. (Now, I’m not sure if his wandering eyes were a real issue or just a deliberate act to make me believe he likes women.)When I was so confused about who he was and his feelings for me, and decided to leave, he cried and shared that he had a difficult past—being overweight, frequently bullied by his older brother and other schoolboys, and never gaining attention from girls as a teen. My empathy for him overcame anger because I had been bullied as a kid as well and understood how trauma could destroy a person’s life. I also forgave his lies about his previous relationships and sexual experiences with other girls—it turned out I was his first girlfriend and he was a virgin, as he confessed. After that, I was always patient with him, as I thought he was inexperienced and still needed to learn how to date. This even became a good excuse for his later toxic behaviours.For those curious about what he looked like as an adult: when we met, he was good-looking, had a high-paying good career, was very fit, and very strict about his diet and workout routine. (Back then I felt so sorry for him that such a good man didn’t see the good parts of himself; now I realize I was a fool that didn't see through the Darkside) He told me he had transformed himself after his mid-20s, which I really admired.I never caught him sexting or having ambiguous relationships with men. Ironically, when we met, he still had unfinished feelings toward his female flatmate, which made me even more confused about his sexuality. Later, I found that the period he developed feelings for her coincided with the time he was probably dumped by a male friend after they had sexual intimacy, because the guy said he still liked girls. How did I know about this? I did something I’m not proud of, but it saved me: I spied on his Facebook and diary after many sleepless nights and found that he and his friend called each other “dad” and “son.” Later, this friend told him he liked girls. I never saw any sexual conversation between them. During that time, he couldn’t even look at himself in the mirror because he felt so disgusted. This explained why he told me he was concerned about being used for sex when dating. In his diary, he also mentioned that this male friend “just played him like a toy,” with no sexual description, and later a French friend said this could be a normal language to describe friendship in French. When we met, he mentioned that this friend was a user. Confusing...Anyway, that was the time he went into depression and had suicidal thoughts (he never told anyone the real reason except his psychologist). That was also when he developed feelings for his female flatmate, who showed him some affection when he was vulnerable, but she never gave him a chance. He never asked her out due to low self-esteem, though he had a long-lasting crush on her. I believe his feelings for her were true, as I witnessed his unease whenever the girl was around.Other strange scenarios: on a New Year’s Eve, we went to a dance club. A man came up to me and asked if I was with my ex. I said yes, and the man then said he wanted to suck my ex's dick so bad. I was shocked. Another time, we were at a fine dining restaurant, and a gay waitress was very flirty and touchy toward him while I was just sitting beside him. I asked him if he had noticed, and he said, “Gay people are always very "friendly".”I remember asking if he had any intimacy with men before. He said he only kissed a gay man at a gay house party, as everyone did for the countdown. I was very uncomfortable, but he said it was “just lips touched and it was for fun.”Now, after all the dust has settled, I feel that what I noticed might just the tip of the iceberg. 

Last edited by Interestingworld2024 (August 30, 2025 1:44 am)