Posted by Sean01  March 11, 2025 11:57 pm | #2501 |
PS holy f*ck this thread has 977,000+ views! That's astounding.
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Posted by lily March 12, 2025 8:21 am | #2502 |
Sean, I think one of the big differences in MOMs is where there is a straight spouse involved, the dynamic is so different with an open vulnerable straight than when neither partner is straight and both of you are being deceptive.
There's that extra level of sociopathy with people like my ex - I'm pretty certain he liked taunting his boyfriends just as much as he liked taunting me.
oh yes to add isn't that a lot of reads I think it is testament to all the effort you have made to help us straights.
thanks, Sean.
Last edited by lily (March 12, 2025 8:22 am)
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Posted by gwendolyn_C March 12, 2025 4:43 pm | #2503 |
Yes - this is my ex-GID husband. He has never claimed to be gay, but he despised the word "DOWN LOW," but I was blind for YEARS. After all, he was really a "down low" guy! He spends ALL of his free time with gay men. He lost his marriage because of his "friendship" with gay men. He has still not come out of the closet due to religious reasons but he has admitted to me that he's bi-sexual. He wanted us to stay married and "let" me have a boyfriend. I had to decide to let go of trying to make him confess that he is really gay. I believe he will never come out of the closet. It's a sad way to live! Live your truth, and don't hurt anyone in the process! I'm glad I GOT OUT with the help of this group and Ryan! I am now in a happy and healthy relationship with a heterosexual man, and I was TRULY missing out!
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Posted by MrsSalt April 3, 2025 8:41 am | #2504 |
Hi everyone, I'm really glad I found this forum and you, Sean. I have a question, and I’d love to hear your perspective, as well as input from others. I won’t go into my full story here—I'll save that for another post.My question is: If a married man has been using gay dating apps for five years and admits to sleeping with four men but insists that he is not gay, what do you think? He says he didn’t enjoy those encounters, that he sometimes showed up for dates but left without doing anything, and his explanations are often vague.
To me, five years seems like a pattern—it's hard to believe that someone would repeatedly engage in something they don’t actually enjoy.Now, he is asking for forgiveness and promises never to do it again. If I were to even consider forgiving him (which feels extremely difficult), I need to understand—does this sound like deception to you? He has lied a lot in the past, so I don’t know what to believe.I’d really appreciate any honest thoughts or insights.
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Posted by Sean01 April 5, 2025 2:14 am | #2505 |
Thank you for writing MrsSalt. In reply:
1. My question is: If a married man has been using gay dating apps for five years and admits to sleeping with four men but insists that he is not gay, what do you think?
Well if I claim to be a vegetarian, then use the "meat lovers" app for five years, and eat at a steak restaurant four times (although likely more), am I still a vegetarian? Nope. So regardless of what this man is claiming, he isn't 100% heterosexual.
2. He says he didn’t enjoy those encounters, that he sometimes showed up for dates but left without doing anything, and his explanations are often vague.
Assuming this is your husband, many straight wives in your situation revert to using vague words like "encounters" as a coping mechanism. I think it would be more accurate to write, "He says he didn't enjoy f*cking men" which begs the question: "Why then was he f*cking men?" If someone doesn't truly enjoy something, then they don't do it. Going back to my first example, if I'm a vegetarian or vegan, why the hell am I chowing down on ribs so frequently? As for his vague minimizations, it's quite common for cheaters to do this type of thing when they get caught. Of course he's lying...both to himself and his wife.
3. To me, five years seems like a pattern—it's hard to believe that someone would repeatedly engage in something they don’t actually enjoy.
100%
4. Now, he is asking for forgiveness and promises never to do it again. If I were to even consider forgiving him (which feels extremely difficult), I need to understand—does this sound like deception to you?
Yes. The most common scenario post-discovery is as follows: he will claim some form of trauma or abuse is the cause of his same-sex attraction; a 3-4 month sex-filled honeymoon period ensues during which the cheating husband tries to win her back; he reluctantly starts couples counselling or therapy (at her urging); he continues cheating but goes to extra lengths to hide it; 6-12 months later she catches him again; then the cycle repeats.
5. He has lied a lot in the past, so I don’t know what to believe. I’d really appreciate any honest thoughts or insights.
It's unlikely he'll change my friend. Sorry. If he's lied and cheated in the past, then he will continue. So what now? If you love this man, are happy with him, and want the relationship to survive, you both need to accept that you're in a mixed orientation marriage, then proceed accordingly. Once you have accepted and integrated his clear attraction to men in your relationship, your next discussion will have to be about monogamy. If you are willing to accept his sexual orientation, but do not want to open the relationship, he needs to know. Based on what you've shared, it would appear he wants an open (or "monogamish") relationship.
I hope I've answered your questions but please feel free to post again. Be well!
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Posted by Alex1984 April 5, 2025 4:28 pm | #2506 |
Hi Sean, I agree with everything you said in the previous post, as always a very clear and sobering message, my friend.
However, I can't walk past your "he will probably claim abuse" comment. It sounded like you are encouraging to outright dismiss those claims.
I think we all need to remember that if a person is claiming sexual abuse in childhood, it should be taken seriously, and they have to go into therapy. I agree, there's enough information on the internet for anyone to contruct a plausible story of how early sexual abuse led them to compulsive same-sex behaviors, but we can't be throwing the baby out with the bathwater.
My husband experienced sexual abuse from a male perpetrator (a doctor) when he was ten. It became one of the main factors that suppressed (rather than caused) his desire to pursue men in adolescence and later in life. He lost all trust in men and is only now beginning to rebuild it (with lots of therapy). Just saying, these things can get complicated and probably best to leave them to the professionals rather than a forum advice.
Last edited by Alex1984 (April 5, 2025 4:33 pm)
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Posted by Sean01 April 6, 2025 11:00 pm | #2507 |
Thank you for writing MrsSalt. In reply:
1. My question is: If a married man has been using gay dating apps for five years and admits to sleeping with four men but insists that he is not gay, what do you think?
Well if I claim to be a vegetarian, then use the "meat lovers" app for five years, and eat at a steak restaurant four times (although likely more), am I still a vegetarian? Nope. So regardless of what this man is claiming, he isn't 100% heterosexual.
2. He says he didn’t enjoy those encounters, that he sometimes showed up for dates but left without doing anything, and his explanations are often vague.
Assuming this is your husband, many straight wives in your situation revert to using vague words like "encounters" as a coping mechanism. I think it would be more accurate to write, "He says he didn't enjoy f*cking men" which begs the question: "Why then was he f*cking men?" If someone doesn't truly enjoy something, then they don't do it. Going back to my first example, if I'm a vegetarian or vegan, why the hell am I chowing down on ribs so frequently? As for his vague minimizations, it's quite common for cheaters to do this type of thing when they get caught. Of course he's lying...both to himself and his wife.
3. To me, five years seems like a pattern—it's hard to believe that someone would repeatedly engage in something they don’t actually enjoy.
100%
4. Now, he is asking for forgiveness and promises never to do it again. If I were to even consider forgiving him (which feels extremely difficult), I need to understand—does this sound like deception to you?
Yes. The most common scenario post-discovery is as follows: he will claim some form of trauma or abuse is the cause of his same-sex attraction; a 3-4 month sex-filled honeymoon period ensues during which the cheating husband tries to win her back; he reluctantly starts couples counselling or therapy (at her urging); he continues cheating but goes to extra lengths to hide it; 6-12 months later she catches him again; then the cycle repeats.
5. He has lied a lot in the past, so I don’t know what to believe. I’d really appreciate any honest thoughts or insights.
It's unlikely he'll change my friend. Sorry. If he's lied and cheated in the past, then he will continue. So what now? If you love this man, are happy with him, and want the relationship to survive, you both need to accept that you're in a mixed orientation marriage, then proceed accordingly. Once you have accepted and integrated his clear attraction to men in your relationship, your next discussion will have to be about monogamy. If you are willing to accept his sexual orientation, but do not want to open the relationship, he needs to know. Based on what you've shared, it would appear he wants an open (or "monogamish") relationship.
I hope I've answered your questions but please feel free to post again. Be well!
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