Posted by Throwaway532 ![]() April 3, 2025 8:53 pm | #1 |
I (26F) have been with my fiancé (26M) for 12 years. We were high school sweethearts who started dating in freshmen year of high school. We were in love from the moment we met. We did everything together. Grew together. He would tell me every day that I was his soulmate, his world, and that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. He is close with my family and like a son to my parents. We are close in a way few people can understand.
Four days ago, he sat me down, sobbing and and hyperventilating, telling me that he used to be bisexual but that his attraction to women has faded over time. Basically, he told me we can’t be together because he wants to have sex with men. At the same time, he told me I’m his soulmate and he really doesn’t believe he will ever meet anyone he loves as much as me. More than anything he wants the life we planned. He just doesn’t believe it’s fair to me. He has proposed to me a year ago and we were in the thick of wedding planning, so excited. We talked every day about our future and having babies. Even now, he says he was never unhappy in the relationship.
I’m just struggling to process what this all means. Part of me wonders if this is because we didn't have the time to explore with other people because we’ve only ever been with each other. And part of me hopes that if he was attracted to women at one point, what if that comes back? This kind of love isn’t just something you throw away. Am I naive to think there’s a path forward? We’ve always had a health sex life - he wanted to have sex with me all the time. And even now, he says he always enjoyed it so much. Help me understand!!!
Posted by Ellexoh_nz ![]() April 4, 2025 1:46 am | #2 |
I was with my partner for 38 years. I was his first sexual partner. He had nobody to compare me with til one day he proposed we 'get together sexually' with other people. I wasn't aware that meant, ultimately, men. At the time I thought he loved me enough that nothing could touch us but I didn't know....didn't take into account what it would do to me, my self-esteem.
Even when I finally left him he said he couldn't imagine life without me. He is bisexual and a hetero partner is a great cover. I miss my easy life. My family is shattered for other reasons and life is a struggle but I'd never return to a life where I always felt wrong.
You're both so young. And whatever he says to the contrary...he's keeping the secret of his true self from not just you. As a 66 year old woman if I knew then what I know now I wouldn't have pursued the 19 yo I thought would be mine forever. But that's not how young people see the world/their lives.
This Mindfuck is a contest/struggle between the head and the heart. There's no template for it but you'll get some good advice here, even though the site has been somewhat quiet lately.
Elle
Posted by freedmyself ![]() April 4, 2025 2:49 am | #3 |
Throwaway, I'm so sorry you're here. What a devastation you're going through.
It's hard not to want to strike some kind of bargain where you can get what you want, and he can get what he wants. And it's hard to lose all that history with someone - my GXH and I had been married for more than twenty years and have kids together, and a house, and a whole life built together.
When he came out and told me he wanted to have sex with men, I was through. Staying was not an option for me - I'm monogamous, and I'm not interested in being treated like a second class citizen in my own marriage while he was out exploring his sexuality. You'll find people on this forum, especially the MOM board, who are doing their best to stay together with their LGBT partner. It's not for everyone, though.
I'm curious about the part where he told you that he "used to be bisexual". Did you know that already, or was that the first time he'd told you?
Posted by Blackie563 ![]() April 4, 2025 9:42 am | #4 |
So sorry you are here, but glad you found us! Although it won't seem like it, its a blessing that you discovered this now vs later. Many of us went years before finding out. In my case 23 years together, 19 married and 3 kids. My ex said many of the same things to me early on. My best advice; stop listening to anything SAID, and only pay attention to what is DONE. Words are easy to throw around, what are the actions telling you?
When I first found out, I thought there was a chance. (And as Freedmyself said, some people make it work) but for me, I realized her words never matched her actions. She had been lying to me from day 1. She isnt someone who I have in my life and only speak to her as required for logisitcs for the kids. My life is much better as a result. My health immediately improved as did myself esteem.
I am not projecting my issues onto to you. I am simply saying, your situation is "common" for us on the board. While each situation is different, many things are the same. Words mean nothing, only action. Take care of yourself, this is jarring. Think about what you WANT and NEED, not about him.
Wishing you the best.
Posted by Alex1984 ![]() April 4, 2025 5:33 pm | #5 |
Hi Throw,
I'm sorry to see you on this forum. My husband is bisexual and we are together. You can read our stories in my thread on the MOM board "Embracing My Husband's Same-Sex Attraction".
It sounds like you have a few good things going for you: your fiance didn't cheat (or so it seems) and have opened up to you on his own - this is a great start. It also sounds like he is attracted to you and you have good sex life. So do we, and I don't think I could have gone without it.
If he is really Your Person you absolutely can make it work, but you would have to accept that this is who he is. HE WILL ALWAYS BE ATTRACTED TO MEN. It won't go away. In fact, as long as he is with you (i.e. a woman) and his desire for men is not satisfied - it is only like to get stronger with time. There are ways to "release the steam" and it comes in different forms. For my husband it is often enough to simply share his fantasies with me, but there is also porn, toys, and including other people. You need to see what works with your and his values.
If I were you, I would definitely try and work it out, but, frankly, I would be calling off the wedding. And using his sexuality is the perfect reason to do it (if he is ready to come out) or you can simply say you need to work things out.
I would then take a couple of years to get to know each other again, see what adjustments to your relationship you need to make, before jumping in and making a long-term commitment.
Look through the MOM forum and my other posts for FB groups, articles and other resources.
Good luck!
Posted by lily ![]() April 5, 2025 4:27 pm | #6 |
Who do you want to have a lifetime of sex with, another woman? no of course not. A gay man trying to act straight?
You have your whole life ahead of you. And while there are a ton of stories where the midlife crisis is a bisexual declaring he needs to have sex with men there's not one single story where he is declaring he's only interested in women now.
I really disagree with the previous poster. You need to be able to talk this over openly with your family. His family is up to him but this is your story as well as his - you have every right in the universe to talk about this with the people you need to. And nobody more than your own family who are going to be so affected by whom you marry.
My hope for you is that you can protect the love between you and gain a lifelong friend. The way forward for that is to change the chemistry - stop having sex together. He has come to you sobbing telling you he used to be bisexual but now his interest in women has faded - translated into straight talk that is likely to mean he has met a man he is keen on - I am hoping you can set him free as a lover but still hold onto him as a companion in life.
Wishing you the best of luck.
Posted by Alex1984 ![]() April 6, 2025 12:53 am | #7 |
Here are some further links:
Facebook grouos:
https://facebook.com/groups/morandmorecommunity/
https://facebook.com/groups/straightspousemom/
Podcasts:
https://youtu.be/ddEc_hyCXAI?si=QkwQGpuqHk2nTyHU
https://youtu.be/SRUYC3sJFqY?si=PQiMcw9BsQcVr1Kk
Amity Buxton's article:
https://doi.org/10.1300/J159v06n01_07