OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum / Ex dating someone else

**Posted by mm3** January 12, 2025 3:44 pm

I'm so hurt. And I don't know WHY I feel this way

My not-yet-ex (separation papers STILL not signed, we are both living in the house bc of child care reasons and legal/financial reasons) is dating someone new.

I don't know why I'm sad about this. I know it's good they are distracted by someone new and shiny. And finally, after months of dragging their feet, they are starting to want to move forward with the separation.

But still I'm hurt by the fact that they moved on so quickly. We were married for 7 years, separated for 9 months. It also feels extremely disrespectful - they haven't told me they have a new partner, but I'm not an idiot and all the signs are there. We are raising 3 kids together, living under the same roof for now. Couldn't he wait until we are living separately (in a few months)?

I'm also worried that my partner is not being truthful with their new partner. My ex is MTF and came out 9 months ago. I'm scared this new person is a me version 2.0 - that my ex is going to do the same thing to their new partner. I know it's none of my business and I can't save everyone, but it still feels icky to know there could potentially be a new "victim" out there. I was a nice naive person and he completely used me and destroyed my life to see if he could pass as a straight male (spoiler: didn't work). Now I'm 40 with 3 young kids and starting all over again. I don't want them to do this to someone else.

I just needed to vent. My family keeps telling me this is good, he is moving on which means he potentially will leave me and the kids alone a bit more. And I know that. But it still hurts.

**Posted by Blue Bear** January 12, 2025 3:51 pm

Totally sucks. Usually, they are years ahead of us in terms of “moving on”. They checked out of the marriages years before we knew what was going on … and often, it’s not even clear whether they were even checked in to our marriages in the first place.

Your monkey is now part of someone else’s circus. Healing for you will come in time, and you and the kids will be far better off.

**Posted by Anon 765** January 12, 2025 6:55 pm

Hi mm3,

It does hurt. I think it's normal after any breakup that it would hurt when an ex moves on. Just human nature.

I am sorry it's happening while you are still living together. That was my experience as well, and it was awful to know he was staying over at his new bf's house, or to see him with flowers and acting all happy. And it was quick! A mere two months after we had signed an informal separation agreement between ourselves saying that dating was okay.

The more time and energy you can spend on you and your life the better! I had the same thoughts about "oh, he picked another person like me and is going to hurt them too, what should I do". Focus all that energy on YOU!

It will be better when you're not living together so you don't have to see it happening. Take your feelings seriously. It's completely normal to be sad and whatever else you feel. It will get better with time and some day you will no longer care.

Anon 765

**Posted by Ellexoh_nz** January 13, 2025 2:01 pm

mm3 wrote:
....I just needed to vent. My family keeps telling me this is good, he is moving on which means he potentially will leave me and the kids alone a bit more. And I know that. But it still hurts.

Yip, not only do we have to find the strength to get through the unimagined situation we find ourselves in...we then have to develop a grey-rock, this-is-not-hurting response towards the man doing the hurting.
Even though this left me with the self-analytical bug that still wakes me early and has me mulling (overthinking!) my life's choices I'm still glad I taught myself to counsel myself because I'm the only person I have complete control over.

My former partner and I lived together for a few months after I filed for separation but even before then I had actually emotionally checked out of the r'ship which made the split after 38 years easier. And further on, because of accommodation issues I moved back in with him (separate rooms) and the night I moved in he said he was going off to a dance class, which I thought was hilarious and so unlike him lol....but before I could let myself think "he's got another woman (or man, he's bisexual)"...I stamped out those thoughts and busied myself with something else.
It became easier for stuff like that not to bother me the more I thought about how little he'd cared about how easy it was for him to live with the two halves of who he really was.

You've got this Mm3

Elle

**Posted by OutofHisCloset** January 13, 2025 2:51 pm

mm3, Forgive me as I don't recall the specifics of your situation, but is your stbx public about their trans status or "stealth"? If stealth I can see why you think they're deceiving a new partner.. Whether you want to inform the new partner is another question. One, you have to think about your safety, especially as you're still living in the same house as your stbx. Two, it's not guaranteed that the new partner would believe you or care.

I informed my closeted ex's new partner, a woman I knew, and she says he told her--which he apparently did, but an extremely edited and minimized version, including that he "didn't need that any more"--and she was convinced he had been honest with her, and she continued in the relationship. My feeling was that I had done my duty by her, and she'd made her choice.

But yes, it hurt. It hurt that after subjecting me to what he had because his trans identity was the most important thing in his life to him he was now claiming it was "a phase" and he no longer needed it. It hurt to be replaced so easily after 36 years of marriage.

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (January 13, 2025 2:54 pm)

**Posted by lily** January 13, 2025 3:33 pm

yeah really, we're still reeling in shock, emotionally distressed and they're business as usual - my ex had my replacement already lined up and she was a nice woman and I was wondering what to do about it and came up with the idea of telling her best friend. Glad I didn't have to go through with it - she made her own choice to back away making it easy for me.

I know I wished I'd been informed and it would have made a difference if someone had just told me he was gay in denial. But you know right now I don't think there's much you can do, you're being painted as the unreliable bitter ex anyway.

**Posted by mm3** January 13, 2025 9:09 pm

He is not out of the closet. I don't know if he ever will be. I am the only person he has told that I have known of (other than medical professionals). He's using injectable estrogen, painting his nails, using facial creams, etc. I don't know if one day he will say this was "just a phase." I was leaving him before he disclosed his gender dysphoria disorder bc of the years of emotional abuse and his inability to change.

**Posted by OutofHisCloset** Yesterday 2:59 pm

So he's deceiving this new woman.

In my case, I had always said that if I found out my ex was involved with another woman I would tell her the truth, because I wish I'd known it. So when I was told my ex was seeing the woman (a woman I knew, by the way, who had taught my son violin, and whom I had taught in two of my college classes) I told her. But, I'd been divorced from him for over three years at that point. And, as I said, her response was to think I just wanted to stir up trouble between them.

It's dicey for you, because you aren't yet divorced, and you're still living in the house with him. Your safety and not endangering the divorce settlement should, I think, rank high in your decision making. It does hurt, and yes, it seems only decent for him to wait until you're no longer living in the same house and divorced, but let's face it, they're selfish to their self-regarding cores. Maybe you can take it as one more piece of evidence that you're doing the right thing by divorcing him.