OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum / I find myself here

**Posted by kmack15** January 7, 2025 12:22 pm

My husband of 9 years just told me yesterday that he is gay. I was completely blindsided and had no idea. Now I am left sitting here cycling between sadness, anger, embarrassment, guilt for not being "supportive". I don't know where to go, what to do, how to start my life over at 43 years old.

**Posted by Lostandconfused1234** January 7, 2025 1:09 pm

kmack15 wrote:
My husband of 9 years just told me yesterday that he is gay. I was completely blindsided and had no idea. Now I am left sitting here cycling between sadness, anger, embarrassment, guilt for not being "supportive". I don't know where to go, what to do, how to start my life over at 43 years old.

This sounds so familiar. Coming here is a good place to start. I will refer you to a couple of posts that were sent to me when I first joined. They may help shed some light on how you are feeling and probably what is happening.

Stages mixed orientation marriages go through: https://straightspouse.boardhost.com/viewtopic_mobile.php?id=3666

Stages the straight spouse goes through:
https://straightspouse.boardhost.com/viewtopic_mobile.php?pid=41007#p41007

What I've gathered so far in this journey is that while we all share a similar story, the experiences and outcomes can be very different.

At the very least just remember that you are not alone.

**Posted by Ellexoh_nz** January 7, 2025 1:32 pm

kmack15 wrote:
My husband of 9 years just told me yesterday that he is gay....... Now I am left sitting here cycling between sadness, anger, embarrassment, guilt for not being "supportive"..

Welcome to our Forum Kmack
Never ever feel guilty for somebody else's sexual truth. This is not your fault.
The first few days/weeks of this bombshell will be like you're living in a maelstrom of confusion. That's because you've been told something that makes it feel like your world is crashing down around you.
Do you have somebody close.....not your gay husband....you can talk to?

Elle

**Posted by kmack15** January 7, 2025 3:32 pm

I do have support outside of my husband. I have a good relationship with parents and have had conversations with them about this. I have also spoken pretty constantly in the last 24 with my best friend and she has been an amazing sounding board and support.

**Posted by freedmyself** January 7, 2025 5:51 pm

Hello Kmack - you're in good company here. I'm sorry you're going through this miserable experience.

The emotional rollercoaster was definitely part of my experience - I'm a little more than a year post-disclosure. Glad to hear you have people to support you. Guilt over not being "supportive" is an interesting one - we're primed to cheer for people who come out and are their authentic selves, so it might not feel so great (or natural) to put yourself first. LGBT people have a right to live their authentic lives, and we have a right to not be deceived and be sucked into living with their deception.

Please take good care of yourself. I benefitted not only from emotional support (including therapy) but also from doing my best to eat good food, move my body, get some sunlight, and do everything I could to wind down in the evening and sleep.

Sending you hugs from the forum! What you're going through is a rough, rough time. Hang in there!

**Posted by mm3** January 7, 2025 9:43 pm

I'm 40, starting over. I've been doing this for a year. It was so awful in the beginning. I don't know how I survived. We have 3 young kids who kept me going. One year in, it's still hard as I navigate custody, separation, selling our house, etc. But it is getting better. I feel more myself than I have in a long time. The early days are hard. Put yourself and your health first.

**Posted by Ellexoh_nz** January 8, 2025 1:53 am

kmack15 wrote:
I do have support outside of my husband. I have a good relationship with parents and have had conversations with them about this. I have also spoken pretty constantly in the last 24 with my best friend and she has been an amazing sounding board and support.

That's so good K. Especially that you're discussing it with your parents.
As for starting again at 43......I could only wish... because I stared over at 65 and I'd give anything to have those 20 years back. It was fear of the unknown and a lack of confidence plus many years of what I thought was a great partnership that made me think I could live being trapped in a MOM that gave me all the material things but none of the monogamous security I wanted.

E

**Posted by kmack15** January 8, 2025 7:00 am

Ellexoh_nz wrote:
kmack15 wrote:
I do have support outside of my husband. I have a good relationship with parents and have had conversations with them about this. I have also spoken pretty constantly in the last 24 with my best friend and she has been an amazing sounding board and support.

That's so good K. Especially that you're discussing it with your parents.
As for starting again at 43......I could only wish... because I stared over at 65 and I'd give anything to have those 20 years back. It was fear of the unknown and a lack of confidence plus many years of what I thought was a great partnership that made me think I could live being trapped in a MOM that gave me all the material things but none of the monogamous security I wanted.

E

My husband proposed some sort of MOM but my answer was an immediate no. My feeling was that it’s just kicking the can further down the road. It’s less painful now but as things change and he explores his new reality I wouldn’t want to watch. I also wouldn’t want to ask him to continue to hide who he is and ever be truly happy just to maintain a so-so “marriage”. I guess rip the band aid off and start healing.

**Posted by Ellexoh_nz** January 8, 2025 12:04 pm

kmack15 wrote:
. .....I also wouldn’t want to ask him to continue to hide who he is and ever be truly happy just to maintain a so-so “marriage”. I guess rip the band aid off and start healing.

It took me months.... years actually to realize what being in a MOM had done to my self-esteem and my expectations of myself and my former partner.
One of my oldest friends talked to me one day about "ripping the band-aid off"...but I couldn't. I pulled it off slowly (hurt like a bastard) but I learned just as much about myself and the people I love as I would if I'd whipped it off in an instant.

E

**Posted by MarieSmith** January 8, 2025 4:34 pm

Kmack,

So very sorry to meet you here and for what you are going through. I commend your wisdom in "bandaid off" and immediate "NO" to MOM, I wish I had done the same. Lean on those in the forum, it does help even if it's just reading others' experiences that have snippets of similar veins to underline that you are not crazy and give comfort in knowing you are not alone. A hug from me to add to those above, message if you need. "Marie"