OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum / Separating, divorce and dating

**Posted by Jupiter1** December 14, 2024 10:30 pm

Freed (great handle!), do you have PTSD from last Christmas? What a blow, discovery then your ex high tailing it into the new guy’s arms. What a situation for your college kids to come home to. I hope this year is more settled for you all (but still a fresh loss). I hear you re the emotional advantages of a fast divorce.

Elle, I’m always amazed that you hold onto the reality of what happened in your relationship, maintain civility/friendship with your separated husband and keep on moving forward. Not easy to pull off. I hope you get to spend the holidays with at least some of your family.

I’m slated for a two day all together Christmas with my imminent stbx and adult kids. Likely I will be a mess and it will awkward to high heavens just like Thanksgiving. These holidays can be rough, sigh.

**Posted by freedmyself** December 17, 2024 5:26 pm

Not so much PTSD; this Christmas feels really different. Looking back to last year, I see that I spent the first few months in a denial/bargaining phase. When he came out, he'd pitched to me this concept of New Family, where we'd still be in each other's lives, he'd still consider my best interests, we'd be great friends. And because I had nothing else to hang onto, I totally bought it. Then he decamped to Boyfriend's house as soon as the kids were back in school. I have to have a lot of compassion for Last Year's Me - she was doing her best, poor lady. It took a long time to fully absorb how much he'd lied, cheated, and gaslit me.
This year, I'm mostly grateful that my kids are home for the holidays, and Home means with me. Grateful, too, that even though they're willing to spend time with him, they are equally mystified by the second adolescence.

**Posted by Anon 765** December 17, 2024 6:46 pm

It's a quiet Christmas here too - he moved out a year ago at the end of December. I will spend the time reflecting on how far I have come. We had talked about being friends and celebrating the holidays together, but I just can't right now. I still have so many feelings to process, and that's gonna take the time it takes. Elle, how long did it take for you to get to cordial? He's there; I'm not. I still have a trauma response when I hear from him that, I think, is due to the Mindfuck and the fact that I don't think I will ever be heard and understood by him. I am working on getting to the point where my story doesn't need validation from him in order to be true.

Jupiter, I wish you the best of luck with that two-day event. I hope you can find some quiet time away from the awkwardness.

I love what you say, freed, about compassion for Last Year's You. It's so important!

Anon 765

**Posted by Ellexoh_nz** December 17, 2024 7:26 pm

Anon 765 wrote:
. ....Elle, how long did it take for you to get to cordial? He's there; I'm not. I still have a trauma response when I hear from him that, I think, is due to the Mindfuck and the fact that I don't think I will ever be heard and understood by him. I am working on getting to the point where my story doesn't need validation from him in order to be true....Anon 765

As soon as I had decided (and to me it was a monumental decision) to no longer be intimate and then later to file for separation I don't think we've ever been not cordial. Before that we had moments of anger, frustration, tears but I learned all that was to the detriment of my mental health so made myself not react to all the triggers that told me my r'ship was over.
When you turn the switch in your head and heart, when you draw a line in the sand that you know you can never cross, never step back over it becomes easier to be calm and cordial.
A was....is ..a very reserved man with a practical side who accepts he has a responsibility, even now, to not be an arsehole. And I never wanted to be the screaming, broken banshee of a partner who justified any negative he might throw my way.

Elle

**Posted by Jupiter1** December 17, 2024 7:26 pm

Anon and Freed you both sound like you’ve made a lot of progress over this last year. You inspire me. I changed the holiday plans (my adult children can visit with each of us separately) and am so very relieved. I’m learning to trust my gut. I too love the concept of self compassion all the way through this process.

Last edited by Jupiter1 (December 18, 2024 12:06 am)

**Posted by Anon 765** December 18, 2024 7:53 pm

Jupiter1 wrote:
I changed the holiday plans (my adult children can visit with each of us separately) and am so very relieved. I’m learning to trust my gut.

Congratulations and hooray for you, Jupiter! That's a huge step!

**Posted by Anon 765** December 18, 2024 7:57 pm

Ellexoh_nz wrote:
When you turn the switch in your head and heart,

The switch in my head is definitely turned. The emotional switch is a bit slower to catch up. I have no doubt I'll get there though!

**Posted by OutofHisCloset** December 19, 2024 3:01 pm

Jupiter1 you're going to be so glad you changed those plans. You just relieved yourself of anticipatory stress and the stress of that two days spent with him--and that of the recovery when it was all over.

**Posted by freedmyself** December 20, 2024 12:38 am

Jupiter! Hurray for the plan switching! There are going to be events (like marriages) where contact with the Ex might be unavoidable - and yet there are so many other things where we can center ourselves and our comfort and well-being. I'm still in the process of learning this myself. Kudos to you!