OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum / Any data on this?

**Posted by lookingforanswers123** December 6, 2024 11:19 am

Is there any data or anything about how often a spouse is right or wrong when they suspect their spouse of being gay?

**Posted by Ellexoh_nz** December 6, 2024 12:02 pm

lookingforanswers123 wrote:
Is there any data or anything about how often a spouse is right or wrong when they suspect their spouse of being gay?

Honestly that is a statistic I'd take no notice of because who cares how many are right and how many are wrong when all that matters is your statistic.

I know there's data on how many people stay together and there was a statistic of a percentage of couples that were still together after 3 years. I used that statistic to gauge the health of my r'ship. After 3 years I decided it had to change because it was no better.
So you see you can look at statistics but it's you as an individual that drives how the statistics are interpreted.

Elle

**Posted by Rob** December 6, 2024 2:28 pm

Looking,

Your gut is probably lying right so not sure if stats really matter. It dawned on me when this was happening..the stress and anxiety is real.. ie. Is he meeting a friend for a beer or is it a date? Why should you have to wonder? I would physically shake when she went out and needed medical help.

That in itself tells you something
..its not normal. Definitely work with your therapist..let him know he is hurting you.

Wishing you strength and courage.

**Posted by lily** December 6, 2024 5:21 pm

The woman who set up the straight spouse network had some statistic, can't remember exactly but pretty much she was saying if you think he might be gay then it's highly likely he is.

I remember the point came when I realised I'd just asked him if was gay again and his reply of no was still not answering how I felt. why was that not enough for me, why had I asked again?

Gay In Denial doesn't mean they don't know it means they are denying it and as a trusting spouse it's hard to take in.

**Posted by Ellexoh_nz** December 6, 2024 5:37 pm

lookingforanswers123 wrote:
It matters because I’m obsessing over all of this. I keep going back and forth between thinking it’s true and feeling sad, thinking it’s true and feeling relieved there’s an answer and then finally thinking I’m nuts and how could it be? It can’t possibly be true!.

Of course...I meant no disrespect for your question. I'm through the stormy part of the Mindfuck when I didn't know what side was up, and I was still working out what the heck was happening to me/us..
I'm looking at it in retrospect.

Elle

**Posted by lookingforanswers123** December 6, 2024 5:53 pm

Ellexoh_nz wrote:
lookingforanswers123 wrote:
It matters because I’m obsessing over all of this. I keep going back and forth between thinking it’s true and feeling sad, thinking it’s true and feeling relieved there’s an answer and then finally thinking I’m nuts and how could it be? It can’t possibly be true!.
Of course...I meant no disrespect for your question. I'm through the stormy part of the Mindfuck when I didn't know what side was up, and I was still working out what the heck was happening to me/us..
I'm looking at it in retrospect.

Elle

I didn’t think you meant any disrespect. I fully appreciate your comments and experience. But like you say it’s hard to know what way is up right now. I’m just all over the place and it seems trying to sort it all out doesn’t seem to matter which is hard to grasp.

**Posted by Ellexoh_nz** December 6, 2024 6:37 pm

lookingforanswers123 wrote:
.....I’m just all over the place and it seems trying to sort it all out doesn’t seem to matter which is hard to grasp.

You're in the best place to figure it all out

I bought a couple of books about cheating men at the start...but that only seemed to skim across the surface. Found this Forum, learned some stuff. Tried couples counselling...A thought the counsellor was "talking down to him" so refused to continue. After finding one counsellor who turned out to be not a good fit I found another who helped me talk through my feelings, emotions and expectations. Through it all I think I relied on my values and sense of right and wrong in an intimate r'ship more than anything, which even allowed me to consider staying in it because y'know....easy times, privileged life and we'd been together years, why change?
So it's a process, a long road, many potholes, even some gates you have to unlock to discover some hard facts about who you, and him....are.

I hate to think how much longer this road would've been if the wonderful women
and men of the Forum had not been here for me.

E

Last edited by Ellexoh_nz (December 6, 2024 6:39 pm)

**Posted by Anon 765** December 6, 2024 8:03 pm

When I was in the midst of it, oh, how I would have wished for a magic wand to tell me for sure he was either gay or bi. But the truth of it is, our marriage was not a healthy one, no matter what his sexual orientation is or was. I do think that his secret closet was the main reason our marriage failed - because it caused him to behave in ways that made for an unhealthy marriage. And it made me behave in ways that made for an unhealthy marriage.

It is normal to be confused for a while. I was confused for about 4-5 years, and then knew what I had to do, and that took another year or so to finally leave.

Pay more attention to actions than words. Good luck, and be gentle with yourself!

Anon 765

**Posted by Jupiter1** December 6, 2024 11:31 pm

Even when I have facts in front of me ( in my case husband in womenswear), I still find myself thinking I’m not seeing thing clearly, maybe I’m just exaggerating or misinterpreting what I’m seeing. It’s because I don’t want it to be so, I don’t want to lose the ease of sharing life, finances and family with a partner as Elle said.

Glad you are writing things down, and have a therapist to share your feelings with, and sort things out. I used some spy work when I was early in this process to figure out what was going on and it super helped( looking at my partners phone/computer). Not my go-to behavior in life but in this situation it was illuminating. Saved me months of trying to read the tea leaves of his behavior.

**Posted by freedmyself** December 11, 2024 6:52 pm

Looking,
I'm assuming you're here and asking about statistics because you suspect your spouse is gay, and you're trying to figure that out, and hoping for some kind of objective, factual assistance in a situation that is completely confusing.

I'm recently divorced from my GXH - it took a year from the time he came out until the day our divorce was final, just a month ago. I couldn't see so clearly at the time, but looking back now I realize that there were elements of our marriage that were off, but since it never occurred to me that he was gay, I wasn't able to interpret those things accurately. I couldn't see it since I was in the middle of it still.

Really common to the straight spouse experience is having our gay spouses gaslight us - sometimes for years, or for the duration of the whole marriage. Gaslighting not only prevents us from finding out the truth about our partner, but gaslighting over time also erodes our ability to trust our own gut.

Sometimes a straight spouse can determine that their marriage isn't good enough for them to stay, and only after the divorce do they discover that their ex was gay. If your marriage is bad for you, maybe it doesn't matter if they're gay?