Posted by Ellexoh_nz  November 16, 2024 1:12 am | #11 |
Lostandconfused1234 wrote:
.... Thank you for this song, for this kindness to a complete stranger. The crying helps.
You're not a complete stranger 
you're one of us.
I spent a year in Australia. A kept up conversations with people he'd already had contact with back home so basically he took his fuckbuddies with him even if it was only email/messaging. I cried every night. I have the dark circles under my eyes and I've got them forever. (damnit)
When you make the shift from needing to fix your marriage to wanting to save yourself crying may be the first thing you realise you don't need anymore.
E
KIA KAHA
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Posted by lily November 16, 2024 7:21 pm | #12 |
.... I spend each day loving being in her company and cherishing her, and despising her when we're apart....
Hi Lost, I think maybe you have to take a giant step back and consider what's happening when you are in her company. Sounds like she is playing you.
wishing you all the best, I like your plan of bettering yourself, just keep on remembering - none of this is your fault.
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Posted by Lostandconfused1234 November 18, 2024 11:18 am | #13 |
We just got back from a trip. Had a good time and it felt great to be together. As of right now things seem calm and she has recommitted to our relationship. Just for clarification, she has not moved into the physical territory and has only had emotional affairs (although I do understand that cheating is still cheating). The affairs occurred as recently as this past summer. The biggest thing as of late is that she is not seeking validation outside of our marriage. She remains attracted to women and I acknowledge that aspect of her. I have no problem with the fantasy of it all, but I do take issue with it when it crosses into reality. We still have sex and she is attracted to me. But I feel that there will always be a part of me waiting for the hammer to fall. I'm not a woman and I'm concerned that there will be someone that actually reciprocates her feelings. No amount of reassurance from her will change that, hence why I'm seeking therapy. I do appreciate everyone in here who has responded. Sometimes it's just nice to have someone to talk to.
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Posted by Odd_Education_882 November 18, 2024 11:32 am | #14 |
Not doing great here in VA. Been a little over a year since the FULL MONTY disclosure. in that time I have spent 7 months of watching my mother die, being strong and constant for her while dealing with the implosion of my reality. 19 years married, 26 years of knowing and loving my best friend now turned stranger. 3 months ago my FIL passed and I have been emotionally supportive of my husband. He doesn't want divorce, wants to stay married. I don't. I won't. He avoids it all. I gave up my career, took on raising our granddaughter and caring for my mother and FIL. Now I am 60 and am finally trying to care for myself and find me again.
I have found a excellent therapist and I don't feel suicidal anymore. Try to get at least one positive thing done each day and end most days crying in bed with my cats & dogs whose love and consistency have saved my soul many many times. Trying to find the courage and energy and means to gently end this marriage and relationship without losing my heart and compassion along the way.
Sorry for the ramble...
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Posted by Lostandconfused1234 November 18, 2024 11:44 am | #15 |
Not doing great here in VA. Been a little over a year since the FULL MONTY disclosure. in that time I have spent 7 months of watching my mother die, being strong and constant for her while dealing with the implosion of my reality. 19 years married, 26 years of knowing and loving my best friend now turned stranger. 3 months ago my FIL passed and I have been emotionally supportive of my husband. He doesn't want divorce, wants to stay married. I don't. I won't. He avoids it all. I gave up my career, took on raising our granddaughter and caring for my mother and FIL. Now I am 60 and am finally trying to care for myself and find me again.
I have found a excellent therapist and I don't feel suicidal anymore. Try to get at least one positive thing done each day and end most days crying in bed with my cats & dogs whose love and consistency have saved my soul many many times. Trying to find the courage and energy and means to gently end this marriage and relationship without losing my heart and compassion along the way.
Sorry for the ramble...
You're an amazing person to have come through all of that. My mother passed in 2014 and I couldn't imagine how I would have handled it on top of what has been happening in my marriage. You have earned the right to ramble.
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Posted by prettysure November 18, 2024 12:46 pm | #16 |
Not doing great here in VA. Been a little over a year since the FULL MONTY disclosure. in that time I have spent 7 months of watching my mother die, being strong and constant for her while dealing with the implosion of my reality. 19 years married, 26 years of knowing and loving my best friend now turned stranger. 3 months ago my FIL passed and I have been emotionally supportive of my husband. He doesn't want divorce, wants to stay married. I don't. I won't. He avoids it all. I gave up my career, took on raising our granddaughter and caring for my mother and FIL. Now I am 60 and am finally trying to care for myself and find me again.
I have found a excellent therapist and I don't feel suicidal anymore. Try to get at least one positive thing done each day and end most days crying in bed with my cats & dogs whose love and consistency have saved my soul many many times. Trying to find the courage and energy and means to gently end this marriage and relationship without losing my heart and compassion along the way.
Sorry for the ramble...
Your situation sounds remarkably similar to mine - I am sending you positive thoughts! Please remember that you're not alone in this, although it may feel like it sometimes. I'm so grateful for this community - prior to discovering OurPath, I was utterly lost and could not relate to issues discussed on typical marriage forums. This is such a mind-warp of an experience, isn't it?
It's only been a few months since full disclosure, but my suspicions were so strong and the truth was trickling slowly for awhile before, so I guess I'd become sort of "used to" the idea leading up to it. He wants to stay married and made it clear he does not want to be out publicly or to any other family/friends, so I'm burdened with that... for now, anyway. My FIL has been having health issues, so I've been helping with that and supporting my husband, as well as keeping up with my own elderly parents out of state. It's exhausting.
I have also found a wonderful therapist recently and it's helped immensely. Slowly, but surely, I'm working past my chronic "people pleasing" tendencies and getting to know myself again. It is overwhelming to be on my own healing journey while still being in this particular situation - it feels like I cruise the full emotional spectrum each day! However, I am trying to remain focused for now and cautiously optimistic for whatever the future holds.
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Posted by MarieSmith November 20, 2024 10:47 am | #17 |
Thank you to each of you who posted updates, I "lurk" on here more than post, reading your posts has been encouraging and a lifeline for me. I too am still in thick of it in VA @OddEd (please message me if you would like to meet for coffee in person!!), I know each day is just one more necessary step and I can see from others' experiences there is light ahead.... I'm hoping a divorce settlement will be reached soon, Thanks again to each of you for sharing your experience on this forum -
Marie
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Posted by Panda November 21, 2024 7:41 pm | #18 |
Hi Everyone,
I haven't been on this site in forever but it truly was a lifesaver when I needed it. I didn't participate but read the stories. For some reason, I felt mortified by my situation, I look back - how silly! I needed help but couldn't ask.
What I'd like to do is give folks out there hope. I have been divorced for two years. I fought for my 26-year marriage until the very end, believing that somehow things could work, but once the divorce papers were signed, I've never looked back. Maybe part of it is that we have had no contact - who knows? What I can say, though, is that I am happier than I have ever been, and I'm not sure what I was fighting to maintain. When we initially separated, I had no hope, but looking back at the person I was, I can't figure out how I sank so low. My only regret is not ending things MUCH sooner. So, to anyone struggling: all I can say is that it gets so much better, and you can truly find happiness. I am absolutely indifferent toward him and whatever he has going on. I hope that helps someone.
All the very best to everyone!
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Posted by Anon 765 November 22, 2024 6:30 pm | #19 |
Hi Panda,
I can relate to what you say - the shame, and all the work put into a marriage. I'm about a month post-divorce, and am definitely starting to relax and feel happier. I have been thinking a lot about the "why" of it all. Why did I stay so long? Why did I get into this in the first place? The best answer I've come up with so far is that I was treating this like an ordinary relationship, expecting him to react in ordinary ways to everything we tried (books, therapy, conversations, etc.). But it was all destined to fail because our relationship was far from ordinary. I can see it now from the other side.
I'm working on the indifference. Don't care to see him again, but I still find myself angry occasionally. Less as time goes on.
Anon 765
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Posted by MarieSmith December 10, 2024 1:43 pm | #20 |
A note to all - I am just rereading some of the posts and wanted to reiterate my thankfulness to each of you for sharing what you have with me, I cannot express how much this forum has meant to me and how grateful I have been for your posts and shared experiences. Elle - your description of the storm in this thread really clicked with me this morning, it rings true to my experience. I was glad to read again updates of some of the journeys here, especially from some of you that I "met" at the beginning of mine in 2020. At some point I would love to meet everyone in person, I know others have discussed in the past. For anyone needing an extra connection, feel free to reach out in a private message. With heartfelt thanks - "Marie"
