OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum / I need direction

**Posted by Lostperson** November 11, 2024 6:20 pm

Rob wrote:
Lost,

I feel these spouses divorced us long ago with their choices and keeping their same sex attraction secret..

As for the final filing of the divorce ..I feel it's pomp and circumstance..a consequence of their actions which they knew.

Wishing you strength and courage.

Thank you Rob. He is playing the role of the supportive spouse now to guilt me ! Just because he got caught.

He is in complete denial ! In fact he told me (this is just a tendency and that he keeps it suppressed by being with me !!) How is it fair that I'm his rehab? How is his tendency my fault ? I wish he was honest enough to just come out .

**Posted by lily** November 11, 2024 8:59 pm

Lost, have you got a family person who can help you with the divorce? Getting the separation agreement is the hard part, not the filing.

It's not that oh he's been hiding being gay and now that he's admitted to it he can be honest. He is who he is and it sounds familiar to a lot of us here - pay attention to your finances like a mother with her ducklings. My ex was siphoning money out of our joint account and putting it into a secret one he had opened.

glad you found us yes it feels so lonely in these moms and so good to get the company here and verification for your instincts. Hope things work out with the new interest, I think you have handled it very well by being up front with him.

**Posted by Lostperson** November 11, 2024 9:04 pm

lily wrote:
Lost, have you got a family person who can help you with the divorce? Getting the separation agreement is the hard part, not the filing.

It's not that oh he's been hiding being gay and now that he's admitted to it he can be honest. He is who he is and it sounds familiar to a lot of us here - pay attention to your finances like a mother with her ducklings. My ex was siphoning money out of our joint account and putting it into a secret one he had opened.

glad you found us yes it feels so lonely in these moms and so good to get the company here and verification for your instincts. Hope things work out with the new interest, I think you have handled it very well by being up front with him.

I'm willing to give him money just to get out peacefully with my kids ..but I get your point....I actually realized that he has been saving money all this time while I was paying for all kids expenses,school,and home expenses ....he pays the mortgage...that's it ...

I'm happy this form exists because sometimes I feel like I'm a crazy person specially when he denies everything or pretends to be supportive.

I appreciate you taking the time to respond.

My mom is my support system...the lawyer is drafting the separation agreement ...will see what will happen in the next few days .

**Posted by lily** November 11, 2024 10:28 pm

that sounds good, Lost - with your mom and a lawyer already mobilised it will help enormously to get through the separation process.

I think mainly all we straight spouses find that once we are separated we start to feel a whole lot better even though there is grief and dilemma dealing with what has happened, it's just so much better once you are away from the confusion and pain that comes from trusting a dishonest spouse.

Don't feel lost - be your own best friend, give yourself the hug of your care and concern that you naturally gave to him. and don't blame yourself for one inch of this.

**Posted by Lostperson** November 12, 2024 5:59 am

lily wrote:
that sounds good, Lost - with your mom and a lawyer already mobilised it will help enormously to get through the separation process.

I think mainly all we straight spouses find that once we are separated we start to feel a whole lot better even though there is grief and dilemma dealing with what has happened, it's just so much better once you are away from the confusion and pain that comes from trusting a dishonest spouse.

Don't feel lost - be your own best friend, give yourself the hug of your care and concern that you naturally gave to him. and don't blame yourself for one inch of this.

Thank you for taking the time to respond .I need to be kinder to my self...it's just when he starts saying he never did anything during marriage I start to wonder if it's true....but I don't want to be a detector.specially that I know for a fact that he was with a guy when we were engaged and he talked to a guy after my kids were born and honestly I feel this is enough! Even if he was honest about everything else ...

**Posted by Ellexoh_nz** November 12, 2024 1:04 pm

Lostperson wrote:
......I need to be kinder to my self... ...

You need to get angry LP. Not plate-throwing, scream the place down angry.....but quietly contained, "you're not doing this to me any more" angry. When the unfairness and selfishness of his actions finally make you realise you deserve more than what he gives you then you'll wonder why you didn't see it earlier.

The love and emotions for my former partner made extricating myself from that r'ship difficult. But not impossible because I'm now out of it

Elle

**Posted by Lostperson** November 12, 2024 8:43 pm

Ellexoh_nz wrote:
Lostperson wrote:
......I need to be kinder to my self... ...

You need to get angry LP. Not plate-throwing, scream the place down angry.....but quietly contained, "you're not doing this to me any more" angry. When the unfairness and selfishness of his actions finally make you realise you deserve more than what he gives you then you'll wonder why you didn't see it earlier.

The love and emotions for my former partner made extricating myself from that r'ship difficult. But not impossible because I'm now out of it

Elle

How long did it take u to process all this and get out ?

It has been 6 months and I'm back and forth with my ideas and feelings

**Posted by lily** November 13, 2024 5:20 am

how long is a piece of string - he will string you along for as long as you will take it.

talk with your mother and your lawyer. make your plans with them. use them, and us, as a sounding board - every time you talk with your husband you are giving him the chance to string you along a bit more.

**Posted by Blue Bear** November 13, 2024 2:23 pm

Rob wrote:
Lost,

I feel these spouses divorced us long ago with their choices and keeping their same sex attraction secret..

As for the final filing of the divorce ..I feel it's pomp and circumstance..a consequence of their actions which they knew.

Wishing you strength and courage.

Rob is right about this. Filing for divorce is more like filing for the death certificate on a marriage that's long been dead.

**Posted by Lostperson** November 13, 2024 2:43 pm

lily wrote:
how long is a piece of string - he will string you along for as long as you will take it.

talk with your mother and your lawyer. make your plans with them. use them, and us, as a sounding board - every time you talk with your husband you are giving him the chance to string you along a bit more.

He asked me this morning if there is anything he can do to help because I look like I'm dying....then he said he would support any decision I make. He said he doesn't want to see me miserable.

Part of me wants to believe that the person I spent years with and the father of my children is not a thief who stole my years.

He says he thinks he was ready to change when he married me ...but he also had sex with a guy while we were engaged and got syphilis!

I don't trust him at all even though my brain sometimes tells me it could be true that he didn't do anything after marriage except watching gay porn then he mentioned well if I'm stressed or you are away for a conference then I watch these things.

I don't want my self to keep going back and forth but I don't know how to stop.

I wish someday I'll be able to leave like most of you.