OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum / Infidelity

**Posted by pacifica** October 24, 2024 10:50 am

I found out not too long ago my husband is bisexual. I came out as bisexual too, but the difference is that he has cheated on me, more than a handful of times over the past 20 years we have been together. All times with guys, to which were all one night stands, that he didn't know, because he "was curious". We were each others firsts, and I have been curious too, but never enough to cheat on him....let alone multiple times.

We had a break and a lot of my anger came out, not only because he did not think I would accept him, but mostly because of the cheating. I've always been open as an ally, but never felt the need to come out as I wouldn't ever be with a woman anyways since I was married (thats neither here nor there right now though).

I also felt horrible after all the pain he told me he has felt over his life in hating himself and not feeling like he would be accepted. Because of this, I feel like the infidelity is....complicated.
We are both going to therapy separately, but have an upcoming appointment for couples soon. Its just taking. forever for that appointment date to get here! We are trying again. Our relationship has felt stronger than ever, but earlier this week we spent an entire day apart for work (the first time since everything came out), and I couldn't help but feel suspicious and jealous.
He promises he's bi, not gay, but I can't help but to question it since it happened so many times, and all with someone completely opposite from me. I have been sleeping almost all day and all night since Monday, and he keeps asking what can he do to make me feel better, but I don't have that answer. Things were going great, until the day we weren't together. I know we can't spend 24/7 together, so it makes me question how we can move on.

I kind of feel like all of this post is just me getting my feelings out, but if anyone out there reading this has any advice on how you dealt with this, I would love to hear it. But if someone else reading this is just going through the same thing, just know you're not alone.

**Posted by Ellexoh_nz** October 24, 2024 11:44 am

My advice is to keep up with your personal counseling but the couple therapy will be a waste of time. A waste of time while you are still in the grip of not trusting him.

Work on yourself. If your man has cheated he's not really invested in your r'ship as much as you.

Are you only "bi" because he is?

Elle

**Posted by pacifica** October 24, 2024 12:38 pm

No I'm not "bi because he is". That's not the way it works. I've known this about myself for the past few years, and even though I felt I was keeping a piece of myself hidden, it didn't feel like it was eating at me enough to go out and experiment to confirm it.
I'm still going to go to the couples therapy and there's still a lot of anger there, so we're not just starting with a clean slate either. I just need comfort, but this response just made me confirm my feelings of questioning "if he cheated and we try to work it out, does that make me dumb?".

**Posted by Ellexoh_nz** October 24, 2024 1:07 pm

pacifica wrote:
..... "if he cheated and we try to work it out, does that make me dumb?".

My former bisexual partner constantly made me feel "dumb".....whenever I questioned him on my concerns about his feelings for me and my worries for our r'ship.
It took me 32 years to finally realise I was never enough for him. Then 6 more years to decide if I didn't break away/separate I would always regret it.

E

**Posted by mm3** October 24, 2024 1:22 pm

My opinion is that cheating is cheating. My ex was cheating on me, they came out as Trans. But that doesn't excuse the cheating. Cheating is a betrayal, no matter the reason. I highly recommend the Chump Lady blog, I wish I had found it a year ago when I found out about the cheating instead of doing the "pick me" dance for a year.

**Posted by Blackie563** October 24, 2024 2:03 pm

Cheating is cheating. If he were gay, it would still be DEAD wrong, although slightly more understandable. (assuming he truly had no clue until now, which clearly isnt the case as you have said). If someone is Bi, that is no excuse because they entered into a committed relationship with you. Their orientation no longer matters at that point. When I was married, I was attracted to other women, but didnt cheat because that would be wrong, so no passes because its same sex.

Trust is the issue and unless he is willing to do the work to repair, I agree its a lost cause. What is the work? Whatever you feel is needed to be heard, understood and restore trust. If he isnt willing, you have your answer.

**Posted by Rob** October 25, 2024 6:48 am

As straight guy maybe I don't understand the bi thing. But that's ok.. when I got over the shock of my GX being gay it was the infidelity that hurt the most...the gay was just the icing on the cake...but so her..

My simple mind on marriage, friendship, infidelity, lying, cheating, sneaking...
You are either for me or against me.. promises were made, vows were taken. Its a scary thing ..that these spouses love and loyalty can change with the weather.