OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum / Totally lost

**Posted by Devastated2024** October 18, 2024 6:23 pm

So my wife came out as gay at the beginning of the month and I am just spinning. Since then she has been saying she is not sure about her sexuality and therefore not sure about how to proceed with us. Little background, we have been married for 15 years, late 30's, one child. I am just looking for any kind of advice or support from the group. I feel like it's a ticking bomb and she's going to tell me she needs to go and end our marriage.

**Posted by Daryl** October 18, 2024 6:54 pm

The unknown can be stressful, especially when (I assume) you never saw it coming.
I think the first thing to do is remember to breath. You cannot control what your spouse will do, but you can manage yourself. Step one - see to your mental health. See a doctor, a counsellor, trusted friend or relative, a pastor. You do not have to suffer in silence. This will help you build your support and may give you some space to process this new information. You don't want to make hasty decisions and you need some clarity of mind to make the right one for you and your child. There's a pinned post here called the First Aid Kit. It contains lots of helpful advice. Not all may be applicable to you but you may find some pearls in there. Here's the link - https://straightspouse.boardhost.com/viewtopic.php?id=1217

I'm sure others here have some thoughts for you. Don't hesitate to ask questions or read other experiences posted here. Most of all, don't isolate yourself.

**Posted by Supernova** October 18, 2024 7:46 pm

Im sorry you're also going through this. My wife and I found our selves in a similar situation in January.

This is a UK support group but they have a good descriptions of the stages of grief you might find yourself in. In the beginning it helped me to know I was going through stages that had an end because it felt so awful for 1-2 months.

https://straightpartnersanonymous.com/grieving-and-recovery/

**Posted by Devastated2024** October 18, 2024 7:59 pm

I just can't let this end. My life is (was) amazing and I am just terrified of letting go. I need to hear from her it's over for me to take the next step and try to figure this out and move on. I am worried that even if she were to decide to stay, I wouldn't be able to trust the situation and would always be worried this would happen again or she would grow the need to step out.
I just don't know what to do and I just constantly want to cry. I feel horrible and it's been three weeks already

**Posted by Supernova** October 18, 2024 8:16 pm

I know, I felt the same way. I would wake up at midnight and leave the room to cry on the couch until I was exhausted and sleep for an hour before getting up for work, and I did that for weeks. Give yourself some time to process the grief, it does get better. Get into therapy to start processing your feelings, you can get through this.

**Posted by Devastated2024** October 18, 2024 8:52 pm

Thank you, this is the route I am going. Start individual therapy this coming Thursday. I just want to keep holding on till the final hammer drops.
Hating my life right now.

**Posted by Daryl** October 18, 2024 10:01 pm

Devastated2024 wrote:
I just can't let this end. My life is (was) amazing and I am just terrified of letting go. I need to hear from her it's over for me to take the next step and try to figure this out and move on. I am worried that even if she were to decide to stay, I wouldn't be able to trust the situation and would always be worried this would happen again or she would grow the need to step out.
I just don't know what to do and I just constantly want to cry. I feel horrible and it's been three weeks already

This is common amongst us. We didn't change. Most who come here are initially looking for any magic solution that will put it back together. There isn't one. Then there is the other thing you mentioned. Now that this is out, can you really put it back in the bottle ? It will always be there, like a ghost.

There is one thing I'm certain of, it takes two equally committed people to make any marriage work. If there's some same-sex-attraction in the mix, it takes even more mutual work and commitment. Neither one of you can save this on your own. It's a recipe for turning your life into a joyless existence. You deserve better. And do not forget that your child will be witness to this life. Mom and Dad, together, and not happy, sets their expectations for their own future.

Glad you have some support lined up. Whatever happens, it is possible to get through this.

**Posted by Paul2024** October 19, 2024 9:39 am

I feel your pain. This was me 6 months ago. You're in survival mode now. Things will become clearer but it will be a journey.
For the wellbeing of your kid, take care of yourself: watch what you eat, try to exercise, avoid alcohol etc... This will help you to think more clearly & act less emotionally. Tell yourself at the end of all this you all will be ok - because you all will.
If you're spiritually minded, try to connect deeply somehow. I started going to church which really helped (I hadn't even been in a church for almost 20 years!).
Keep strong.

**Posted by Devastated2024** October 19, 2024 12:54 pm

I just feel like I can not move on and start healing till the hammer drops and I hear it from her directly that it's over. I know it is though. Just venting, I know that no one can help.

**Posted by Daryl** October 19, 2024 3:18 pm

Vent as much as you need to. No one here will judge you for it.