Quite a bit to unpack in your message.

I wish you all the best in your endeavours Alex.

Thank you, I wish the same to you.

I think it takes an enormous amount of effort and faith to navigate homosexuality in the way that you are.

Agree. It takes a lot of effort, as I feel both my husband and I are going against both conservative and modern "woke" culture narratives. We are carving our own path, because neither of those narratives sit well with us. So far, we both keep coming back to a couple of simple statements: 1) homosexual sex or homosexual desire are no more of a sin/deviation than heterosexual sex or desire 2) our society is over-fixated on sex and sexuality 3) who you are attracted to in general does not define who you are or who you love or want to build a relationship with 4) polyamory and open relationship are valid and acceptable relationship structures, but probably (so far) not for us as they are proving to be too exhausting

Since then you have negotiated with yourself as to what is and isn’t acceptable.
Since then I have challenged a cocktail a rubbish ideas, which included viewing homosexual sex as somewhat marginalised, "only for gay people" and meant to be kept "out-of-sight" of society mashed together with beliefs that "gay people" were born this way and that "they" have no agency over their sexuality or relationship choices. Do you know what I think now? While this belief of mine is still in development... I am coming to realise that "gay" (or any type of orientation as a matter of fact) is a myth. It is a modern construct. It was necessary to introduce this construct in order to push for equal rights. Unfortunately, it might still be necessary to maintain as those rights are still being threatened. However, if society just gets over itself and accepts that same-sex sex, relationship, marriage, etc. are normal - there will be no need for divisive constructs and labels. Ancient Greeks and Romans regularly engaged in same-sex play alongside opposite sex play and no labels were necessary. This way it would be easier for all to live truly honest lives and if a person cheats (with either gender) or lies they would just be a cheater and a liar - they would not be applauded by society for "finally living authentically".

The next time your subconscious steps in to point out to your conscious mind that something is wrong. Please don’t tell it is a ‘broken monkey brain’. It is only doing what it has evolved to do to keep you safe. It tells you what you need to hear to keep you happy.
This is not how the subconscious mind works (I have a psych degree, but Googling will quickly help you if you look into it). Subconscious mind sends you messages through dreams, reoccurring thoughts and feelings, or sometimes clear messages, that religious people may interpret like "words from God". Almost always your conscious mind needs to be quiet to hear the messages from the subconscious. Ruminating (which is what I was referring to as the "monkey brain") is the opposite of having a quiet mind.

A bit like your husband and the gay counsellor. Who I expect has done very well over the last couple of years out of the ambiguity he has created.
I did not get this last comment. My husband has been in therapy for about 10 months now. Yes, gay counselor clearly had/has inherent bias and it was annoying he was recommended to us by my long-standing counselor without the consideration of that bias. Counselors are generally not equipped to work with MoMs. However, he is a good professional and is working with my husband on an array of issues, particularly around his childhood trauma. Since working with him/us he has been referred a number of MoM couples and is developing a much better understanding of this dynamic. While he identifies as "gay" he (quite rightly!) accepts that the majority of people aren't gay or straight, but are rather on a sexuality spectrum. I am generally happy with how it has been working out.

Ellexoh_nz wrote:

Alex1984 wrote:

. ...I am generally happy with how it has been working out.

 
This board was originally intended for straightspouses who were undecided and conflicted about their r'ships with an lgb person. Worried, needing support/advice from others, asking questions of people who are going through/have gone through the same
.. but you appear content in your decision and only wanting to tell us how great your life is, even down to the sexual stuff you get up to.

I reckon you'd be happier on a site for couples who feel the way you do.

Elle

Can we please get admin's clarification on this? They really need to clear this up.

By nature of the name, the 'Strategies for MoMs' board should focus on advice for navigating MoMs, rather than just sharing stories of failed attempts. Currently, I seem to be one of the very few providing such advice. Most other threads and replies send a message of "don't even try" and "it didn't work for me, so it won't work for you".

I believe my advice is balanced and realistic. I say it as it is. When it hurts - I say it hurts, when it's hard - I admit it's hard, when I enjoy it - I say so. I don't say "it's all doom and gloom" or encourage any sacrifice. In every post, I reinforce the importance of self-care and of protecting your interests (financial, emotional, etc.)

I am on other groups, thank you. I had to join Facebook for them.

I am here as I can see the posts are being read. I hope my view can support others and provide an example of how a couple can navigate these stormy waters.

Last edited by Alex1984 (September 19, 2024 6:48 pm)

Alex1984 wrote:

Can we please get admin's clarification on this? They really need to clear this up.

 
There's nothing to clear up. While somebody in Admin titled the boards the way they did ... calling it MOMboard ...it was intended, I wanted it to predominately focus on straightspouses who were concerned, confused about their choices and lives. Not to be a magnet for people already in a MOM. And accepting of it.

E

According to the  first pinned post ' Rules for this Forum Section". This should be a place for people to embrace the MOM. 
"Please read the and abide by these rules.  

-This forum is for those who have chosen to remain committed to their marriage after finding out there spouse has a same-sex-attraction. If this does not apply to you please refrain from posting here.

-Discussions should focus on strategies to help the straight spouse overcome the challenges of this new relationship dynamic. 

-Any advice given must be constructive toward the goal of a successful Mixed Orientation Marriage.

-While this section focuses on positive strategies, we do recommend that you also read and participate in the other sections.  You will get a larger spectrum of responses in the General Discussion and Support areas.  The shared wisdom of those who have tried and do not recommend MOM's may be helpful to you now or in the future.  While not always positive, that advice is given out of care and compassion. "

OutofHisCloset wrote:

From my reading and perspective, too much of what passes for advice here on this section of the site can be characterized as proselytizing.  

That is one of the reasons this section was created. When someone posts something like "I am happy in my MOM" some will read it as "and you should be too or there's something wrong with you". Nothing could be further than the truth as every situation is different. This section was created to provide a place where someone could say that and not worry about negative reactions implying there is something wrong if you stay in one. All of our stories are different and have different outcomes. I considered it until I realized How miserable and enabling  had become in my marriage. If it had otherwise been happy I might have stayed.