thanks OG,  I had the same thing happen to me from the other side so it helps so much to hear your story.  Years later and I am still in love with him and he is still back with his wife.  I get the sense he wishes he wasn't though.

So at this point I want to revisit the idea of somehow bridging incompatible sexualities - it struck me how you responded in a post above to the idea of of having sex in the sauna with another man.  You really don't want to do it do you.  I'm heterosexual too, I want to have sex with the man I am in love with that's for sure and so I don't want to have sex with other men.  and as far as women are concerned, my mind doesn't really go there, it just won't, I just don't have any romantic or sexual interest whatsoever in women - I want to be friends, and it has taken me ages to realise how different it is for lesbians.

So yes, this is not uncommon, OG.  Lucky are those who break free when they do.  seems to me it's the same sex oriented spouse is the one that goes toxic.  and they take it out on their straight spouse.  It's not good.


 

Thank you for writing Nantucket. In reply: 

Q: I was curious if you know if spouses who are out, or GID but with a secret relationship suffer from narcissim in the new relationship as well. Will the same sex relationship be just as toxic? Or if there is no need to lie and conceal then there is no need for narc behavior?

A: Please keep in mind that I am not a mental health professional. From what I understand, if someone suffers from a personality disorder, they will have it for life. Using myself as an example, I used a number of narcissistic tricks to hide my sexuality from my (then) wife but perhaps didn't have a full-blown personality disorder as I stopped being a toxic *sshole following separation/divorce. Following therapy  and recovery through a 12-step program, I no longer feel the need to lie and gaslight my current (male) partner of 12 years. Turning now to your question, if your ex-husband was dishonest and cheated during your relationship, it's likely he'll continue doing the same even with a same-sex partner. Based on countless interviews with closeted men who married women, very few of them have successful first relationships with male partners because they are often still grappling with emotional issues or even personality disorders stemming from decades of living in the closet. So what's my point? Most formerly-closeted gay men are still the same people following coming out and their first same-sex relationships often fail for the same reasons. I hope that helps friend but please feel free to post again.  
 

Hi Sean, posting again...

I feel it would help me if I posy a list of red flags as more have come to my attention. I feel like I constantly need more validation even though I've already left. My situation confuses me because when things started changing and I started suspecting cheating of some sort with the opposite sex, sex actually became a hyperfixation for my partner. For example he got so caught up with the " average" amount a couple should have sex. He wanted it spontaneously. He would say it's not like it used to be ( together for 10 years no doubt). I started to feel like a sex object. There was more sex but less connections  and more fights. He had no issues maintaining an election, and was able to get off no problem. He just became obsessed with grabbing me at all times, yet when I asked for hugs it was a big issue.

Anyways these are a list of all of the red flags.

In the beginning of our relationship he had ED, we were young 20's.

He never liked, or got off from blow jobs. ( I thought maybe he was nervous).

One night he went for a drink with  a male coworker, I was his DD to pick him up. He insisted he was going to sleep in the car with his friend and I didn't need to get him. I was like um he'll no. I picked him up but they were parked down the road from the restaurant.

He would watch porn and become really upset and angry at himself. He would be the one to bring it up to me how unhealthy it is that he's watching it and jeering off. I didn't even consider it could be gay porn. But that's when the ED would cause issues again.

Things changed alot in the last year. He insisted on going on testosterone because he was depressed and had low libido. His numbers were only mildly low. He became sex crazed after taking it.

This is also when he started showering before the gym on the weekends. He would also do a whole shaving routine, pretty sure balls too. He took so long to get ready. Got super defensive when I asked him about it. Says someone said he smelled once while working out..he's never ever smelled bad in his life.

He started spending even more time at the gym. Like 2-3 hrs. And would get really annoyed if I asked him to do something in the morning.

I found viagra in the garbage. He said pre workout and alot of body builders use it... didn't really believe but I looked it up. I guess maybe a thing. He put it right on top of the garbage to not really hidden at all.

Super self obsessed as of lately. So many selfies in the mirror at the gym..and all he cares about is body.

He actually gets really upset and seems mad that I won't go to the gym with him. I don't workout at the gym I walk only. But he's almost tantrum like over it. I don't understand it.

States often I don't understand him and he can't be himself around me.

Says he has a void and is super depressed.

Has a different tone and hello for passing younger males when were out walking.

Also noticed weird change in bowel habits and like explosive diarrhea
. That could be completely random
..or not...he's in the bathroom before and after gym..

He became a completely different kisser in the last year. Feels way more confident.

I asked him about all of it and he lost it ..never seen him so mad..he accused me of having an affair. Also said I'm so delusion and have made everything up and that he has perfect explanations for all the red flags and that they've been "debunked ".

Anyways things are just weighing me down. My mind if a tug o war. I am in therapy and also focusing on myself but these keep me up at night.

Thanks for your reply Sean.

The honeymoon phase has been pretty long. Over a year. When all of this started so did the sex drive increase, and the "I have needs" comments. I do feel it's like he's trying to "prove" he's super straight. I however didn't want to have sex alot at all due to medical issues. There never really was dry spells on his part, just mine.

His friend was a co worker, who, I dont believe is gay. He is closeted if so. I notice a trend with the men he works with and has phone calls/ talks about them all the time. They all look similar. None are gay that i know of.

I never knew I could bring up a question  about sexuality without him getting angry. I just assumed anyone in a relationship would be mad if asked if they weren't straight. But yes he was very angry.  I did accuse, and use names too. Not right out accuse him of being gay. I did accuse him of possibly stepping out on the relationship with said male.

The obsession with physical appearance is insane. It got worse with age not better. I thought once we neared 30 he would have other priorities and not be so self obsessed with fitness.

I guess the cognitive dissonance is killing me.

Thank you for writing Nantucket. In reply: 

1. The honeymoon phase has been pretty long. Over a year. When all of this started so did the sex drive increase, and the "I have needs" comments. I do feel it's like he's trying to "prove" he's super straight. I however didn't want to have sex a lot at all due to medical issues. There never really was dry spells on his part, just mine.

Understood. If he's still having regular sex with you and appears to enjoy it, this suggests he's attracted to you (and perhaps to women in general). However, there are some signs that a husband is closeted; even when he has regular sex with his wife. These signs are: 

- He avoids deep kissing or other forms of intimacy. 
- He needs to watch porn or masturbate before sex or to reach orgasm. 
- Sex only occurs in the dark and he creates strange rules regarding things like her showering or shaving.
- He wants to be pegged.  
 
2. His friend was a co worker, who, I dont believe is gay. He is closeted if so. I notice a trend with the men he works with and has phone calls/ talks about them all the time. They all look similar. None are gay that i know of.

This kind of teen-like infatuation is common among men going through gay adolescence. 

3. I never knew I could bring up a question about sexuality without him getting angry. I just assumed anyone in a relationship would be mad if asked if they weren't straight. But yes he was very angry.  I did accuse, and use names too. Not right out accuse him of being gay. I did accuse him of possibly stepping out on the relationship with said male.

And you were totally justified to bring it up my friend. If someone accused me of being straight, I'd just laugh it off. However, when I was closeted I would LOSE MY MIND if someone accused me of being gay. 

4. The obsession with physical appearance is insane. It got worse with age not better. I thought once we neared 30 he would have other priorities and not be so self obsessed with fitness. 

Wardrobe, hairstyle, and body changes are common among men who are getting "gay ready." Viagra and lots of jockstraps or racy underwear are also common signs he's cheating (often with men).  

5. I guess the cognitive dissonance is killing me.

I'm so sorry you're suffering.

6. Also Sean do you know If it's common for gym locker rooms to be a place where men can hook up in the showers? There was never any other absences accept for the gym.

In the US, yes locker rooms and gym saunas are common places for male-on-male hook-ups.

Thank you for posting friend. For every straight spouse posting here, there are hundreds following your journeys. Please feel free to post again. Be well!