OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum / What If I made a mistake

**Posted by Nantucket1931** August 29, 2024 1:52 pm

I am struggling so hard without knowing the truth. I will be fine at times then it will hit..omg what if I made a huge mistake. Long story short I broke up with my partner but blamed it on other reasons. After him trying to get back together I finally had so much anger I accused him of all of my suspicions. The suspicious have no concrete evidence at all. He got SO MAD like so angry I've never seen him so defensive. However, I feel I might be too if my 10 year relationship ended over something that was completely false. I went as far as to throw a couple names of people I am suspicious of
I just feel so sick to my stomach and now we haven't talked in over a month.

**Posted by Blackie563** August 29, 2024 2:24 pm

Tough one Nantucket. My experience was clear and I had evidence, but she still lied to my face, got incredibly defensive and lied about the extent of her affair. She even lied about things I had on video camera. Why am I telling you this? It was my experience and many others on this site, alot of these people will lie for a variety of reasons and be very convincing. I am not saying your partner is guilty, there is literally no way I would know that. However, if he is not guilty, you should be able to have a conversation with him about WHY you suspected what you did. His response should provide you with all of the information you need.

**Posted by Ellexoh_nz** August 29, 2024 3:28 pm

When you look back in years to come, at his behavior... you'll think "yeah I was right, I just couldn't see it at the time"
Men use anger to keep us down. I can look back now and (almost) laugh at the simple masculine tools he used to keep me from prioritising myself.

I still have moments of dread (my living situation is a bit uncertain) and I sometimes wish I'd told him I needed a break for an unspecified time to think about my life. But when I'm honest with myself I know that, even though I wake up sad every morning, there is now a part of me that is no longer his to hurt and confuse.

Elle

**Posted by lily** August 29, 2024 3:56 pm

well said Blackie.

Nantucket, if he is like my ex then telling him you thought he was gay, and naming names even, would have come as a very nasty shock to him when he thought he'd gotten away with his closet scot free.

I look back now and can see my ex was preparing the defence of his closet for years before I even had any idea. Nothing mattered more to him than his closet. Even money came second.

And the gaslighting didn't stop - while he hasn't been talking to you, he might have been talking about you to the people you know in common. My ex's favourite is to tell people I'm a lesbian and now I understand why all those years earlier he insisted we go to this Missy Higgins concert saying she was my favourite singer when I hadn't even heard of her and didn't want to go anyway.

**Posted by HeldHostageInHerCloset** August 29, 2024 9:31 pm

you can have all the evidence you could ask for, with same sex, it's not as clear cut as a hetero affair. Staying out till 4am with a same sex friend... could just be a friend thing, but maybe it's more. Mine told me flat out she was gay, but has denied cheating. I've got an overwhelming amount of circumstantial evidence that would point exactly to that, but I never had a true silver bullet.. Even with PI collected evidence, she could try to claim nothing happened, franklly I've second guessed everything for the last year and a half. I know she's lying. I know she'd been texting a 21 year old 1700 times in 1 week leading up to me and the kids going out of town, I know she went to a sex shop on her way to spend the night at a rental house with said girl... the PI has them in front of the house on tape, And I have video of her returning home the next morning.... but my mind still plays the second guessing game... good hearts, no matter how suspicious they are of someone, want to believe the best against the worst evidence, and they know that. And they play that.

**Posted by EleanorIsntHere** August 30, 2024 9:16 pm

I’m so sorry you have so much uncertainty. I can relate. Being forced to be the one to make the decision to leave when they don’t agree is a terrible place to be. I wonder, if you had enough reasons to “blame it on” at the time, all those reasons were also true, right? And in the end, it doesn’t matter why it was bad - if the relationship was bad, you’re better off.