This is a bit of a ramble about my situation.  My birthday is tomorrow, and I feel a mood crash coming on.  The last couple of days have been "good" days... where I didn't feel as depressed. 

A month ago, my husband came out as a transwoman.  He said he doesn't want bottom surgery, because he doesn't have body dysmorphia, that he loves his penis.  He didn't expect me to have a negative reaction to the news and kept trying to walk it back. By negative reaction I mean, I said "oh.... I need some time to take this in" and then cried for like two days straight.  I asked him what he envisioned our future looking like and he said it would be just like normal only a little different.  I said different how? He said I am a woman. I told him that I didn't want to be married to a woman, because I'm not a lesbian.  I think that surprised him.  This is when he kept trying to walk it back or downplay everything. 

After three days of him giving me mixed messages "I'll go see a gender therapist...I'll have to anyways to get HRT", I went through his computer to get some real answers.  I found out he has been cheating on me for 9 months with multiple people in very explicit online relationships.  Some erotic roleplays that he paid for and some that he didn't.  Some of the people were men, women, and transwomen. He sent them nude photos and videos of himself masturbating.  When speaking to these people he was very sure about being a transwoman.  Oddly enough I never found any pictures of himself dressing as a woman.  

He came out to me about being bi-sexual not long before we got married.  When he did, I gave him an out.  I told him we could postpone the wedding, and he could go out and experiment.  I literally said the words "so that you don't have a midlife crisis in ten years and start cheating."  He took a day to think about it and then came back and said that no, he loved me, and he wanted to get married.  So, we did.  That was almost 9 years ago.

I didn't tell him that I knew about the cheating for a couple of weeks so I could speak with a lawyer.  Also, we had a beach trip planned with his family.  I realized during the trip that I couldn't keep holding all this in.  I told my mom and my sister, who both supported me.  Then when both of our kids (ages 2 and 6) were out of the house at daycare, I told him I knew about the cheating, and I wanted a divorce.  He didn't even try to defend himself.  He didn't fight to try to salvage the marriage.  It wouldn't have changed my mind if he had but it still hurts that he didn't try.  He also isn't fighting me for anything in the divorce.  He wants to make it as easy on me as possible.  But that also means that he hasn't really helped out at all with the process.  I have to find and research everything and then offer up the choices to him to pick.  So far, he's said I could stay in the house and that we would co-own it, he would pay half the mortgage.  He wants to pay half the utilities as a sort of a child support - I told him that he'll probably be paying child support anyways.  He wants to save money, but I think I'm going to pay a lawyer to help with everything. 

I am a freelancer, so currently I can't support myself and the kids on my own.  I had a full-time job that I quit last April because it turned pretty toxic, and I was burnt out.  I was finally getting back to a good groove on trying to reach my dream job goal.  But now I'm desperately looking for a full-time job, which will put a wrench in my dream.  He's going to be living in this house until I can get a full-time job.  And I just want him gone, so I can move on.  It's been so hard to find any full-time jobs since the film industry is so slow right now.  This part breaks my heart a bit.  The thought that I might have to give up my dream because of this.  

I'm trying to be supportive of the trans part of this situation.  He hasn't asked yet to change pronouns.  The only time I saw him get any bit of emotional about all this is when I tried to give him a pep talk about coming out to his mom because he was nervous.  He thanked me for being decent about all this.  So now his mom and stepdad know, and my parents know about everything.  He moved out of our bedroom and into the office of our house.  We moved our guest bed out of the youngest kid's room and into the office.  So far, the 6-year-old hasn't directly asked why my husband is now living in the office.  But I feel the question is coming.  I'm trying to find a therapist to get advice on how to talk to him about the divorce.   

We had a birthday party for one our kids last weekend.  A handful of people at the party knew.  I hate watching my husband act like nothing is wrong.  He is too good at it. Which just reminds me of what a liar he is to me.  I finally made a boundary that we had to stop going to events together where we have to pretend that everything is normal.  I break down after each time and my mental health can't take it.  

Anyways, that's where I'm at.  Tomorrow is my 37th birthday.  Before all this we had been talking about trying to have a third kid at the beginning of next year.  So, I had to grieve that as well because I had just finally accepted that I wanted another child.  I'm not okay.  I'm just very sad.  And feeling very lonely. He was my best friend.  It was a good marriage until it wasn't.  I'm planning to spend tomorrow with my mom. We're going out to eat and then to the movies.  

(I've talked to my doctor. Went in for an STD test just in case.  We also discussed depression medications.  I had been on anxiety medication, but I just weaned off.  She proscribed me Prozac but I haven't decided if I want to take it or not yet.  It was such a pain weaning off the last SSRI.)