OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum / This is so hard

**Posted by Tina Sparkle** August 1, 2024 1:42 am

I've been married to the love of my life and best friend for 20 years. A month ago I caught him cheating and he eventually admitted he is gay and has been cheating for years. We have kids and have decided to end our marriage. He wants to fall in love with his boyfriend. The grief and hurt is just so complicated and overwhelming. I am processing as best I can. Have great friends, a counselor, etc. Some moments I feel peace and optimism, but then the sorrow will just overwhelm me. How could I love this person so deeply who didn't feel the same in return? It is so hard to still want his love and affection and attention and know I can't have it and have to let that desire go.

I had two different people tell me today "at least he didn't leave you for another woman" but that just reminds me that I was never what he wanted. He never desired me or loved me the way I loved him.

My whole life is being burned down and he gets to move on and I feel just left in the ashes.

I'm so sad. I don't know what I need. Maybe just to be seen and not feel so alone.

**Posted by Blackie563** August 1, 2024 7:05 am

Welcome to the forum Tina. So sorry to hear of your situation. I wish there were some words I could offer that would assuage your deep pain, but ultimately, that would do more damage than good. We all have our stories here, very similar to your story. Everyone is similar but unique. I can empathize, as my marriage ended after 19 years 23 years together. In the moment, the storm, I call it, its feels overwhelming. You are seen and heard here!

Believe me when I say, it gets better. There are some great folks here. Most aren't anti gay or anything like that, just were hurt by the extreme betrayal of trust that was supposed to be the person you trusted the most. Take your time, take it a day at a time, stay in the moment, even if the moment is extremely painful. That is what drives you to action and ultimately to healing. Only way to the other side is through this pain.

Best of luck, keep posting, asking questions, etc. It's a strange place to find oneself, not just divorcing but having been lied too for years. This group gets it.

**Posted by Daryl** August 1, 2024 5:14 pm

This is a roller-coaster, but it will start to level out given enough time.
Try to excuse the comments you've received. Not everyone understands this situation or knows what to say. You can build yourself a new life on the ashes of the old. As Blackie said, one day at a time.

**Posted by Tina Sparkle** August 1, 2024 5:34 pm

Thank you both. Feeling lighter today. Day by day.

**Posted by Rob** August 1, 2024 8:06 pm

Tina,

Yes it's a difficult thing. In regards to your question..how could he..

I've had years to process the betrayal and hurt ..at the end of it all ..I guess they all had same sex attraction, tried to make a go of it in a heterosexual marriage, and then decide (unilaterally on their own again) that they don't really like being heterosexual..

But again at the end of it all their personal, unilateral decisions are hurtful and wrong..it is a broken morality..I decided they just have a broken moral core..ie. no guilt in declaring before God and family that they love us and no guilt declaring they dint.

If it's any comfort, Yes, I've rebuilt my life from the ashes so to speak. I've surrounded myself with people that love and are true to their words. I'm amazed I spent decades being treated like I was but the latter part of my life is negating the former..

**Posted by Anon 765** August 3, 2024 8:26 am

Hi Tina,

It is so hard to go through this. People will say such awkward things - I have heard many stories about how this happened to their friend, or things like, "but you have kids!". You are among people who really get it here.

It sounds like you have a good support network - keep on growing it! Make sure you are putting yourself and your needs (as well as the needs of the kids) first. If you can manage to get your financial ducks in a row and consult with a lawyer soon, that's always a good idea.

Take care of yourself. It definitely does get better, but there is no agenda for when that should happen, so be patient and kind with yourself.

Anon 765

**Posted by Str8Mom** August 4, 2024 3:15 pm

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I just created an account where I was going to post a first time post- a vent about my situation over the last nearly 3 years. It seems like so many others on here. You were deceived and robbed of YEARS of YOUR LIFE, by someone who KNEW their truth and lied to you! You gave your heart and life to a
fraud!! You have a right to be angry and feel how you feel. I started out not angry- I was sympathetic bc I thought he didn't "know-know" I have found out since that he KNEW from the beginning and manipulated and deceived me for years. I am angry and hurt and I'm even upset at myself because HOW did I NOT have a clue??

He continued to manipulate me and take advantage of my empathy to the point where one kid is grown and the other is almost grown so that he doesn't have to pay crap towards helping with them. He originally said he would give me the house if I let him stay here until the kids are grown but now he keeps mentioning either I give HIM the house or sell it and split it. Had I gone to a lawyer nearly 3 years ago I would've been in a much better financial situation then what he has me pigeoned into now. I've increased my income a lot- but it's still a good 10-15k less than his yearly and I will need a second job to take care of me and and the kids. But I was manipulated like crazy and I truly believed he loved me and was struggling and that he would do the right thing.

He still claims to love me (actions do not suggest that is true) but is saying he doesn't want to pay any child support or help with ANY medical (daughter has medical issues) and no spousal (which I've agreed to this terms) - and still seems to waiver on giving me the house. He told me yesterday that actually if *I* had really loved HIM, I would've let him f$ck other guys and come back home and kept it a secret. So I guess he feels justified in trying to take everything since I was not okay with that.

I don't know what kind of words of advice I can give other than... reach out to family for support- don't keep his secret the way I kept mine stbxh's- I suffered alone and didn't tell a sole for a year and a half about him being "bi" and wanting an open marriage (eventual truth is gay). And get a LAWYER now!! My biggest regret, trying to be his friend and be amicable.

Someone who can lie to you so convincingly over the last 20 years will continue to do so. Do not trust him to keep his word for anything.