If there is a facilitating Goldstar lesbian involved, many women will not actually believe that having sex with, or being in love them makes them a lesbian. I know three cases where the “flipped” wives vehemently deny that they are lesbians. In other cases, women who left their husbands to be with another woman, turn around at a later date to announce that they are not gay anymore and want to come back. I believe that in these cases, the wife has been in love or infatuated with an individual, but the actual lesbian identity is alien to them. When the magic spell wears off, there is no desire or need to seek out women in general. They wake up one morning in bed with an overbearing, tattooed, narcissistic, and or vain person in a house full of unopened jars. The thrill and excitement has gone. There is more actually missing over what they thought they had found. There is nothing you can do to prevent this from happening. The allure of love is stronger than an equally addictive drug. Each time they spend time with, or receive a simple message from this person they will get a hit. As long as she has the safety net of the marriage, she will believe that this can continue. Ask her to move in with the gay friend, to become who she really is. Tell the gay friend to have her, offer to take all of her stuff over to her place. See what happens. You don’t want to end up in some sort of is she, isn’t she limbo. You don’t need to accept this behaviour from her. You and your own mental health matters every bit as much as hers.

Hey John,

I read your story too. I had a very simiar thing happen to me about 4-5 years ago and have just connected with this network which is comforting and encouraging. I'm sorry to hear of your situation and my love and prayers go out to you and your family.

I'm so happy that you have a space like this to share your story among like minded people. It's kinda refreshing to hear as I've kept my situation to myself mostly. 

Anyway, hope to keep in touch with this network to help with healing.

My ex had no issues coming to terms with being gay - he had boyfriends before he met me, he continued to have them throughout our long marriage and it is only after I left that I was able to piece this together, both out of my memory and mutual friends.

when I tried asking him if he might be a bit gay he would say no but when I asked him if he might be a bit bisexual he admitted to it for a couple of weeks before he realised I wasn't accepting bisexual as being okay - he should have told me from the start so I could say no.  Then he tells me he has changed his mind and he is a 100% straight and I would be mentally defective if I didn't think so.  I got divorced asap.

what is bisexual? someone who is sexually attracted to both women and women?  to my mind that's like saying someone can go to the left and to the right at the same time!  

maybe it's more simple and believable to see bisexual as someone who is same sex attracted and wants to have a family.  But yes, different types, some more benign than others I hope. 

My ex was gay but the main thing is he seems so nice but he really doesn't care about other people, just likes manipulating them.  he flaunted his marital status and kept both his boyfriends and his wife at arms length with the hurtful gaslighting.