Jon - So sorry you are experiencing this. Agree with Anon's post. Further, all of us have been through this and while each situation is different, they have some very common themes. First, I'd tell you that while the pain is intense, you need to feel all of it. The only way to the other side is through. Going around it will only delay it and make it harder long term. Second, give yourself some space, time and grace. For me, the space and time made very clear....my 23 years relationship (19 married) was actually not a healthy one at all. But I took my vows and commitment seriously and poured everything into it, so much so, that I ignored every red flag under the sun. Why is this important? Because regardless of what has happened, there will be lessons.

Ultimately, you have to take from this experience and learn from it. I am not suggesting that you will discover their were issues all along. Rather, this is where your path in life led you; and the now is all we have. Once you can learn from the past (not live in it) and not worry about the future, 99% of your suffering will go away. This may take 2 months it may take 5 years. Everyone is different. 

Take it a day at a time, put yourself first for once, you must care for yourself in this difficult situation. Hang in there, it does get better. In my case, better than I ever knew it could be. 

 

Jon,  As someone said when I first was reading through the forum - welcome to the club that none of us wanted to join.  I too was married for almost 30 years and thought my husband was full of integrity and my best friend.  Our sex life was very frequent and more than satisfying.  There were not the "red flags" many see when looking back.  Even now, only a handful of people know we are divorcing and even less the reason why. 

It took me a few years to figure out that despite his assurances that he would take care of me and the kids and we would be amicable, he will not.

I, like many others, began the process full of hope and resilience.  I agree with the things shared by others.  Here are some things I learned and even now have to remind myself because of the disconnect between who I thought he was (amazing!) and who he is:

*  He is not the person I married, that person is dead 
*  He does not have my best interest in mind
*  He will not prioritize the kids
*  Seek the best attorney you can afford asap and follow their advice
*  Get checked for STDs asap 
*  He will lie consistently
*  I cannot trust my gut when it comes to him, I believed him every time despite the facts in front of my eyes 
*  Omar Minwalla has a good psychological model that makes sense (that my husband has an integrity disorder and sexual entitlement with impacts to me) when it comes to infidelity and "secret sexual basement"  It's helpful to read through that on his website or find his episodes on BTR podcasts or Our Voices podcast
*  Therapists can be helpful, but like all fields there are good and bad, be careful that you are not portrayed as "co-dependent" or that the perpetrator's behavior is somehow your fault
*  sometimes therapists want to redefine marriage and confuse the sexual orientation problem with the fidelity problem  - be clear for yourself it is betrayal of the highest level regardless of the sexual preference
*  One man shared his practical response to finding his wife was gay:  I decided that I would not let this ruin my life
*  Give yourself some "grace" for the tough times (for me crying on the shower floor) and know it's just where you are at right now
*  Read through the forum, there are lots of helpful tidbits that come back to you in unexpected times. I've found myself "lurking" more than interacting but it can be a huge comfort when the people in your life don't really understand what you are facing,  Message people with questions - are yes, there are many!
*  The platitudes are extremely frustrating as well as the outpouring of support for the gay spouse it seems.  And the gay spouse's new fun life while yours (and kids) is left in pieces.  One of the things I read was that a woman felt it would have been easier if her husband died because people would bring casseroles and sympathies and everyone could mourn together and share the stories of the past.  I felt sharp grief when (before separation/divorce) my husband would walk into the room and look like my best friend and lover and my heart and body would react as such
*  I am still the person who loved with my whole heart and life and will do so again

Keep us posted