OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum / Your Kids

**Posted by Thelight** June 14, 2024 8:22 pm

So those of you with kids, how did you tell them? Did you just let them find out let the Gay spouse tell. If they are GID then there’s that and the kids just think divorce is happening for who knows what reason??!

**Posted by Blue Bear** June 15, 2024 12:17 pm

My personal view is that YOU get to tell the kids why the divorce is happening in an age-appropriate way rather than give your spouse the latitude to inject more lies into your life. My ex-wife - 4.5 years after the divorce was final and the cat was out of the bag - still tells the kids I was a bad husband even though my only fault was that I wasn’t the wife she lacked the courage to admit she needed.

Remember, they chose this and the consequences that come along with it. Hiding the truth is normalizing the deception that brought you into this place.

**Posted by Ellexoh_nz** June 15, 2024 5:34 pm

Thelight wrote:
So those of you with kids, how did you tell them?.....

My 4 children were all grown and able to process the info and I actually told them way before we separated. Like a few years.

A. would never in a million years have said anything to them. Also it was me who insisted on the separation so it was me who told them about that too.

I'm not sure of your children's ages but the information has to be age-appropriate and, most importantly you have to be ready and willing to answer any questions they may have after letting them know you'll answer any questions they do have

Elle

Last edited by Ellexoh_nz (June 15, 2024 5:36 pm)

**Posted by Anon 765** June 16, 2024 7:15 pm

I knew for a long time before my adult kids were told. Finally he told them he was bi, and it was okay for one kid, and very difficult for the other - because of the secret that we both kept from them for so long. So I'd say they need to know as soon as possible, and in an age-appropriate way. I promised no more secrets!

**Posted by sgtpepper** June 16, 2024 9:11 pm

My daughter is 10. She was 9 when the discovery happened. We sat her down together. We talked about what she knows about being gay, pride, all those things. Throughout her life, we've used inclusive language. We have many books that represent different people, families, and relationship models. I remember a moment of pride when she was talking about an aunt and asked if she had a girlfriend or a boyfriend (yes, this is binary, but baby steps - she was, like, six).

When we sat her down, we explained to her that while her father and I still care for each other, and we love her and will always be her parents, her daddy had realized that he is gay and that meant that we weren't going to be married anymore. As we've had changes in the home - him moving into the spare room, him moving out - we've made sure to keep her in the loop before these things happen.

I didn't tell her about the affair and I won't. It's not her burden to bear, nor are my feelings her responsibility. I want to ensure that her relationship with her father is as whole as it can be given that he chose to leave - and I don't think he realized that in leaving our home, he also left her. If when she's an adult, she has more questions, I'll gauge things then.

**Posted by walkbymyself** June 17, 2024 6:28 am

My daughter was in college when D-day happened. I thought long and hard about how I was going to respond, and during that time my daughter had mentioned to me that she thought it might be helpful for her to get a therapist. This was before she actually knew anything, but I was still in that stage where you are totally paranoid and trying to figure out who knew all along. I came to realize that in the process of my husband's lies and cover-ups he had seriously gaslighted her as well as me, and I didn't think her therapist would be effective if the actual truth wasn't out there. When I finally screwed up the courage to confront my husband, I told him that our daughter would have to be told, that it would be best if he told her himself, and that it should wait till after finals and graduation so it wouldn't ruin everything. I said if he didn't tell her by a certain date, I would do it myself.

Of course he was too much of a coward, so after she graduated and took a trip with her girlfriends, I moved her out of her apartment and drove her up to where she would live for the next year while she was job-hunting, and in the car I told her myself.