It is hard to process the news of an ex re-marrying, especially with, as you say, all the "additional bullshit."

I, too, was married for 32 years before my ex declared he was transgender.  I left him just over six years ago, and our divorce was final five and a half years ago.  Not quite two years ago, I arrived home after six months of caring for my mother in hospice and her dying, and within a few days was told that my ex was partnered up again.   

When your ex/stbx/spouse declares s/he is re-partnering it tends to re-animate or heighten all the feelings one has tried to so hard to process.  It's like an episode of PTSD (it may actually be C-PTST asserting itself).  I've decided recovery is not a straight line, but a recursive process, and something like a spouse re-partnering throws you back to an earlier stage to confront old fears and feelings from the standpoint of this new reality, which feels like a fresh insult, blow, hurt.  Of course we're going to respond.  It helps me to tell myself that it's normal to have a reaction to such news.  I don't beat myself up for reacting to it, or castigate myself for not being able to get past it.  You shouldn't either.  The anger and fresh betrayal you're feeling is a rational and normal response.

Anger is clarifying, a great propellant to action, and a magnifier of strength when you need to call on your muscles.  Give your anger a target--as Audre Lorde wrote in "The Uses of Anger," "everything can be used--except what is wasteful."

Like you, I don't want to ruminate, but there are times when I do it anyway.  When that happens, I tell myself I must be processing yet one more stage of this whole disaster, and that I will get past it. 

 If I feel myself spiraling down into that circular trap of ruminating, or so angry I think I will fly apart or my mind will break, what helps me is physical movement: dance, getting outside and moving, working in my garden, even cleaning my house.  Movement also helps me resolve things for myself better.   (Solvitur ambulando="it is solved by walking" and Caminar es atesorar="to walk is to gather treasure" are two mantras I often remind myself of).

 I remind myself that I made the right decision to leave.  I remind myself that I would not want to return to what I had in that marriage.  I remind myself that all leave-takings come with grief, and some, like this one, comes with extra hurt.  

Let yourself feel what you feel.  You have gotten this far, and you will get past this, too.  

 

Anon 765 wrote:

.....Thanks for listening. Words of strength and encouragement welcome! Also any ideas about how to not ruminate about all this, and how to deal with my anger, which is pointless because he is impervious to the harm he causes....

Teach yourself to accept life is now different. I found once I'd separated the man he was (the man I loved) and the man I discovered he actually was....there was a space between us that allowed me to see him differently, not as important to anything that mattered. I worked on widening that space in the 3 years it took me to decide finally to leave.
It's a hard personal goal to describe to anybody who's never been through this but you have and as long as you work on yourself, see yourself as more worthy and understand life is going to be different you'll get there. 

People who have no awareness of the hurt they cause are always given a first thought but they do not deserve a  second one. Don't give it to him, remember he does not deserve it.

Elle
 

Hi Canary,

My ex is marrying a man. I realized last night that his fully coming out has lifted a great weight off my shoulders. I was so caught up in keeping his secret - even subconsciously - that having it all out in the open is a huge relief. I can say it to anyone, anywhere, at any time now.

Though my close circle knew, there were acquaintances who did not, and I was still carrying that awkwardness and the pressure of slipping up that came from his closet.

Not anymore! A silver lining, I guess.

Wishing you all a good day,

Anon