OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum / Open Marriage - I don't get it

**Posted by M-Kate** May 15, 2024 4:09 pm

I've joined other online mixed orientation relationship support groups. Many straight spouses write about accepting open marriages after disclosure. I honestly don't get it. I sometimes think that I'm in the minority. I think that it would be similar to my husband telling me that he really likes women with larger breasts and so he gets to have sex with large breasted women periodically. Why would he get to have sex with men on the side because he has same sex attraction? I've told him that if he wants to have sex with men again, we should get divorced, and I will be very supportive as his friend. I've encouraged him to live the life that he wants to live, but he has to choose. Is this unreasonable?

**Posted by Daryl** May 15, 2024 7:38 pm

Not unreasonable at all, in my opinion.

**Posted by Ellexoh_nz** May 15, 2024 8:52 pm

M-Kate wrote:
...... I've told him that if he wants to have sex with men again, we should get divorced, and I will be very supportive as his friend. I've encouraged him to live the life that he wants to live, but he has to choose. Is this unreasonable?

I know that's a rhetorical question...lol
But now you've said...he has to choose...how long do you think it'll take him to
give you an honest answer? Or actually any answer at all?

E

**Posted by M-Kate** May 16, 2024 8:14 am

I realize that there are no guarantees. I'm taking one day at a time.

**Posted by MarieSmith** May 16, 2024 1:20 pm

M-Kate,

Totally reasonable... I had the same reaction - would if be any different if he wanted to fuck blondes? That all the sudden he decided he wanted to try sex with redheads? I'll message you w my info in case you want to talk anytime, my heart goes out to you...

"marie"

**Posted by Ellexoh_nz** May 16, 2024 1:44 pm

Open traps....oh will you look at that! My phone autocorrected r'ships to traps...how ironic.

You have to be a certain type of person to be okay with an OR. For myself I was in love, wanting to please and had a healthy libido. You have to have trust in your partner, and have excellent communication to make it work. I thought I had all of that
..until A. proved me wrong.
His sexual entitlement ruined us. It was bigger than my need for trust and honesty.

In the end you both have to be okay with each other not having your lives exactly how you imagined they would be.
And if you're not okay...be strong enough to put yourself first before total resentment breaks you.

Elle

**Posted by MarieSmith** May 16, 2024 2:25 pm

haha Ellexoh - open traps...

I've appreciated your shared words of wisdom in this situation...

Cheers -

Marie

**Posted by M-Kate** May 16, 2024 2:29 pm

What surprises me is that so many straight spouses go along with open marriages as if it's totally reasonable.

**Posted by freedmyself** May 16, 2024 7:39 pm

Open marriage, mixed orientation or not, would never work for me! Open marriage seems to be having a moment right now - to each their own, right? AND it's important to know who you are, and what you want. When I got married 24 years ago, I was signing up for a monogamous hetero marriage - and so was my then-husband. When my STBXH came out as Bi and said he wanted to have sex with men, it took me a couple of days to wrap my head around what that would mean for me, and then I was done with our marriage. I'm monogamous - plain and simple. Counting down six weeks til my divorce is final! I have a lot of painful, complicated feelings about my straight spouse situation, just like everyone else, but have not had a single regret about divorcing my newly-out Bi husband.

**Posted by Ellexoh_nz** May 16, 2024 9:23 pm

M-Kate wrote:
What surprises me is that so many straight spouses go along with open marriages as if it's totally reasonable.

We're all different yes?
It took me a while to throw off the cloak of codependency and see my former partner for who he was. All along I fought against it with sad, emotional fear because the history we had was so great. It was a whole other mindset, one I would never entertain now...
Some never experience that and are okay with a MoM 'shrugs shoulders'

E