OutofHisCloset wrote:

So you're a professional problem solver!  That doesn't sound like a bad thing to me.  It sounds like a valuable skill!  I do understand that jumping in to solve another's problem when it's not our problem to solve can be or indicate a problem, but I think it's a bit harsh to see it as a personality defect, especially when our spouses might present their situation as a problem for us to solve.  But surely actually engaging with the problem is a more positive approach than simply pretending it doesn't exist, hiding, and acting in secret--your spouse's--and my ex's--response.

I agree with you...all my life I thought my skill was valuable ...I never thought I can be stunned with a situation...yet here I am ... questioning the same skill that helped me survive before...

He is trying to pretend nothing is wrong...asking me if I want to eat out !!! Living in denial !
He wants a week to think ...all what I want to do is move out so I can feel ok...

I might sound like a bad person but currently I have zero empathy to people who live in their closet and lie to others or use us as their rehab plan ...

OutofHisCloset wrote:

Zero empathy for the deliberate deception and betrayal of the person you promised to love sounds like a reasonable response to me.  

Please don't let his "week to think" lull you into inaction.  You don't have any idea what he might be doing in that week, including emptying joint bank accounts or seeing lawyers.  

So true ...he was crying all the time and suddenly yesterday he started acting as if nothing has happened. I'll meet a lawyer this week.

The mediator wants $3100! This sounds too much ! In addition to a lawyer .

How much did you spend on this process ?

Of course money will not bring back my years !

Thelight wrote:

Call it what you want codependency a fixer etc no it is not a bad thing however if you have done it for years in the healthcare field it likely you do it in your personal life.  Emotional attachment is hard to break for sure.  Just don’t loose yourself and what is best for you.  My husband has done the same thing crying one minute then ok the next.  It usually depends on my reactions to situations.  Stay strong I’m getting there.

Yes I do it in every aspect of my life !

He is telling me that he is here to support me, and I should just stop being miserable !! He thinks this is a joke ! I don't understand how a person I lived with can do that !! He is laughing with the kids !and I'm sitting in my room wanting to disappear !

I feel so bad for my kids ..they are 6 years old.

Thelight wrote:

Sending you a big hug I’m in month 8 and he is still here. Threatening to leave I say ok then begs to stay. I’m done.  I know financially it will be hard in both.  I’m getting stronger.  I try to fix everything and it is not healthy for me.  I see it now.  I’m proud that you are even talking to lawyer ! Good girl.  Can you find a cheaper lawyer will he contest a bunch of stuff?

Thank you...I can't believe you are in month 8 ...it's been 24 days and I'm dying every day ...it's like a slow death .

Yes I'm looking for another lawyer.I have an appointment in 2 days.

He was literally telling me that I'll be ok few mins ago because I was crying ...I told him my whole life is destroyed and he will be fine..he compartmentalizes things so I think he will succeed and continue to hide. In addition, he will probably tell terrible stories about me .He says he won't but I don't believe him.

I honestly don't understand my self ...one minute I feel like I'll miss him and the next minute I want him to disappear ...

I don't know if he will contest ...probably the children will be the biggest issue. he is asking me for more time but I feel like he is playing me .

Last edited by Lostperson (May 13, 2024 8:22 pm)

OutofHisCloset wrote:

I spent less than $2,000 getting divorced.  My lawyer, an uncontested divorce.  My ex did not get a lawyer of his own. We had no minor children.  

We had one mediation session after I had consulted a lawyer but before I retained her.  We saw the mediator  at my ex's insistence (for free, the initial consultation), because my ex insisted we didn't need a lawyer--he thought mediation would be cheaper and avoid conflict--which I knew to be wrong, because we would still need a lawyer to implement what was agreed on in mediation.  But I knew he wouldn't take my word on that, so I agreed to the meeting, knowing the outcome, and, sure enough, the mediator set him straight. 

When you retain a lawyer, tell the lawyer what you want in terms of child custody.  Many men who divorce want 50/50 custody not because they want their children, but because they don't want to pay child support. Don't forget that you have leverage in the form of his not wanting the secret exposed.  

That you are torn between emotions (one minute thinking you'll miss him, the other that you want him to disappear) is normal and part of the process.  The more you can look at your emotions, and realize that they are a normal part of the process, rather than an expression of something about you, the easier it will be for you.  The process does take an emotional toll.  Get help from your doctor or a therapist, or unload to friends and here.  
 

 

Thank you for your response .I have been seeing a therapist weekly...sometimes twice a week ...I'll probably need medications as well....
We have two minor children ...
I don't want 50/50 ...I want the kids with me majority of the time ..I want to protect them because his family is very religious and they try to brainwash my kids .

I honestly don't care about child support .I have been paying for food,clothes,school,child care and activities !! he pays mortgage and household bills.

He used all our savings to create his company last year !

I'm so angry , I don't mind paying for my children for life but I just feel I gave away everything and destroyed my life with my own hands.