Thelight wrote:

At get it you want to help him through it. I’m right there with you. Your story resonates with mine.  I’m still trying to navigate this mess.  Sean on here sent me coda.org a codependency forum and resources that is helping me understand that I am codependent and trying to put myself first .

Thank you for responding .I actually don't understand why I feel like hugging him. I don't want him to hurt but he made me suffer so much.
I should just live through the process like everyone here. I will check the forum.I appreciate every response I got so far ...it's all helpful.

Daryl wrote:

More than one person on this forum has admitted to being codependant.
"I can fix him/her..."
Sometimes on this journey we learn as much about ourselves as we do about our spouse or ex.
 

Yes exactly. I know deep in my heart I can't fix this !!! 💔 but it hurts me to see him crying .

Rob wrote:

Lost,

What scared me is I never saw my GX cry.. zero remorse.   That was scarier than the shock of the gayness.

But his crying or remorse now is that he was caught and is realizing their are consequences to his actions. And unlike a regular affair there are no take backs..you will forever wonder if hrs meeting a friend for a beer or if it's a date.  The anxiety is crippling and these spouse just don't get it.


We love them and can feel for them. You need not be unkind.    But your kids need a strong parent and he is just not it.  And you can't be a strong mom  with a husband hurting you. 

Wishing you strength and fierce courage.

Thank you Rob..you are right I should be a strong parent for my kids .In my mind I keep on saying he never goes to meet friends ,he doesn't even have friends but he has occasional oncall days and I can never be sure where he is because it never occurred to me to check !
He says I'm his friend ..maybe it's true but I can't know for sure as you said.

He is extremely manipulative and I'm extremely co dependant apparently.

OutofHisCloset wrote:

Lost,
Sean is big on calling the spouses of gay people "co-dependent," but co-dependence can look a lot like victim blaming, and the entire edifice of "co-dependency" is not supported by the data.  https://www.nytimes.com/2022/07/08/opinion/codependency-addiction-recovery.html

Instead of blaming yourself as co-dependent, which merely leads you to castigate yourself, you would feel less bad about yourself and more able to get out of your situation if instead you realize that there are good reasons it's difficult for you to stop loving your partner (and giving him the benefit of the doubt) and leave a relationship.  You are bonded to him; you have invested years in the relationship; you have children with him; the entire culture sends you the message that kids shouldn't come from "broken homes" (although arguably they are already living in one, as their father is lying and conniving), etc.

From what I've seen from years spent on this Forum, and on Chump Lady (a forum for the spouses of those who cheat, with the express aim of empowering the cheated-on to leave, with empowering cognitive tools and practical advice--I recommend it!), detaching emotionally from one's spouse is very difficult, and we often initially feel empathy for them, and want to help, because we are bonded to them, and because we want very desperately to fix the problem.  We give them the benefit of the doubt, even after there is no doubt we shouldn't be giving them the benefit of the doubt.  Emotional detachment, and re-seeing the spouse you've loved and made allowances for (explained away behavior, say), is a gradual process, even when you've seen the truth, can't unsee it, and know you can't deny it.  

 

Out of his closet , I appreciate your response but I think I try to fix problems in every way and for everyone. ..it's part of my job ! For God sake I'm a director of a huge health care system in my thirties ! It's for the soul reason of my ability to navigate troubles !!  But you are right the other part is I'm invested.   I have spent years investing in this relationship ...now he started trying to pretend nothing has happend  ..trying to have a regular conversation which I can't do !!

I will check the other forum as I recognize I need help.

Canary2 wrote:

I believe people here have waaaay too much empathy for the situation. You are not realizing what a cheat and liar the person is.
I ended up “dating” a man who 8 years prior to me was in a 15 year marriage. He was the most upstanding citizen you could imagine. I thought I was dating the nicest, Mr Rogers kind of guy. I actually thought he was so nice and mild mannered that he didn’t have enough of an edge for me.
He specifically started asking me to go on hikes with him. Along with his 10 year old son. Very specifically planned hikes. Ones that he could have easily gone on by himself, but I was really excited to meet his son. I packed trail mix and brought maps of the area. He was really insistent that we go on the hike at a very specific time and I thought it was because he is a very methodical and precise man. It was pouring rain, dead of winter, and he still insisted that we go on the hike. I thought it was because he did not want to break plans with me.

The hike was 20 miles south of the city, in a really weird location. Not really a “hike” at all. More like a rail trail path that goes down to the water. At the waterfront, there were some tunnels that go under railroad tracks, and inside the tunnels was a lot of really creepy graffiti. Me and his son sat at the waterfront (on some logs that were strewn about), but I noticed that he did not sit watching the water. He had his eyes on the tunnels.
He posed me and his son on a little hill above the tunnels and even took a picture. It was pouring sheets of rain, and what I also noticed was that my date was not wearing a jacket for this 2 mile hike.

I asked his son when my date went into the bathroom, if they had been to this location before. Because I had the strange feeling like they both were very familiar with the place. His son tells me they had been there “many times”. My date had gone off to the bathroom, and seemed to be there for not a huge amount of time, but it was a fairly dirty bathroom that I wanted to get out of as fast as possible. My date was in there about 6 minutes. I thought maybe he was just really constipated. I sat outside and chatted with his son in the pouring rain.

He exited the bathroom and we then returned to his car.

Many months later I eventually realized that he had actually taken me to a hook up location, and that he likely had a hookup, right under me and his son’s nose. Intentionally. 6 minutes (I have it on my gps log of the hike). That’s about how long it took him to have a hookup in the bathroom.  He planned it very specifically. Because I think it gave him a thrill to get away with it.

He could have easily just been having hookups without us present. I believe we were specifically invited because this was a critical component. It gave him a sick thrill to lie to the most innocent and trusting people he could find. And, I have no doubt that he was doing this the entire time during his 15 marriage too. I used to call him the 6 minute, 2 bit whore. Because that’s what he was.

Wow this is disgusting...I'm so sorry you went through this ...such a terrible act ...I really don't understand this ugly world !

I have to say you are a very smart person !you even asked the child and got it so quickly !it would have taken me years and this level of evil would never occurred to me.

Last edited by Lostperson (May 13, 2024 2:13 pm)