OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum / Forgiveness

**Posted by gwendolyn_C** March 12, 2024 12:23 pm

I agree with Daryl - Forgiveness is something you offer to yourself. Reconciliation takes two people willing to admit wrongdoing and put in the work to make it right. I have forgiven myself and chose to move on. I also learned I don't have to walk around angry at my GID-EX. I wanted him to confess and ask for forgiveness for destroying our marriage, but he's not capable. I realize that since he's not capable and responsible, it's my responsibility to restrict personal and emotional access. That's within my control. It's also in my control to become a healthy version of myself for my children. This is what I choose to focus on as I wait for my GID-EX to sign the divorce papers so we can move to closure! He's stalling but has 30 days :-).

**Posted by Blue Bear** April 2, 2024 12:29 pm

Yeah, they are really into bending the rules that we thought we had mutually agreed upon when entering into our marriages or relationships.

As for forgiveness, I redefined it as letting go of my anger toward my ex-wife so I could be civil to her as the mother of my children and not allowing my anger toward her to prevent me from finding happiness with someone else. She screwed up my past (which I couldn't control), and I'm not going to allow her to screw up my future (which I can control).

**Posted by RoseColoredGlasses** April 2, 2024 9:33 pm

I think that forgiveness requires accountability- how can you forgive someone who is still lying to you?

**Posted by Ellexoh_nz** April 3, 2024 1:30 pm

RoseColoredGlasses wrote:
I think that forgiveness requires accountability- how can you forgive someone who is still lying to you?

I see forgiveness as getting to the state of 'what he does now does not matter to me' so it allows me to frame how I see him and respond to him with an understanding (I was going to say pity but that's too harsh a word to use) that he always had an itch for men and that staying with him would be to my detriment.
So now there's a space between us....a protective barrier that I built and I use it now without even thinking..

I would never say to A....."I forgive you" because he has nothing to do with it. I do however forgive myself for not leaving him sooner

Elle

**Posted by Anon2222** April 3, 2024 1:44 pm

Elle - I agree with you. I spent awhile being so angry with him. I spent even longer being angry at myself...all the accusations. How did I not know? How did I not see this coming? Why did I put up with all this abuse? Why didn't I just leave?

Forgiving myself, and working on not blaming myself, or feeling ashamed, or humiliated, has taken a lot longer. But, I have seen the mental shift in myself. When I stopped trying to figure out why on earth he would do this....and switched to the mindset of holy cow he must be one messed up individual and is not a good person.

**Posted by Ellexoh_nz** April 3, 2024 5:03 pm

Anon2222 wrote:
....

🤗❤️

**Posted by Lostperson** May 11, 2024 8:30 am

Anon2222 wrote:
Elle - I agree with you. I spent awhile being so angry with him. I spent even longer being angry at myself...all the accusations. How did I not know? How did I not see this coming? Why did I put up with all this abuse? Why didn't I just leave?

Forgiving myself, and working on not blaming myself, or feeling ashamed, or humiliated, has taken a lot longer. But, I have seen the mental shift in myself. When I stopped trying to figure out why on earth he would do this....and switched to the mindset of holy cow he must be one messed up individual and is not a good person.

How long did it take you to forgive your self ? I'm struggling with shame,guilt and feeling that I shouldn't have been a fool

**Posted by LostOne24** May 11, 2024 1:32 pm

I knew my husband was bisexual, but naively thought that when he married me that he was choosing me. After many, many years of a sexless marriage filled with resentment, my husband announced that he needs to be his "true self." He said he wanted to "break open" our relationship and be able to talk about everything. He's made a series of revelations that have been incredibly painful to me, and I'm reeling. He's angry that I'm not forgiving him, supporting him, and being understanding of how much pain he's in. I am simply not there.

**Posted by Ellexoh_nz** May 11, 2024 8:04 pm

LostOne24 wrote:
I knew my husband was bisexual, but naively thought that when he married me that he was choosing me. After many, many years of a sexless marriage filled with resentment, my husband announced that he needs to be his "true self." He said he wanted to "break open" our relationship and be able to talk about everything. He's made a series of revelations that have been incredibly painful to me, and I'm reeling. He's angry that I'm not forgiving him, supporting him, and being understanding of how much pain he's in. I am simply not there.

It was his choice to keep his real self hidden.
It was his choice to now come out and want to 'break open' the r'ship.
It was his choice to inflict the pain of those choices on you.
And it was his choice to expect you to be supportive regardless of your feelings.

24....you are at a crossroads. If you give in to his anger and expectations then you will lose yourself in your r'ship. Forgiveness doesn't come easy and often it's forgiving yourself for not realising what was happening in your life so ignore his expectation of it because forgiveness is your choice.

Do you have anyone to talk to about this?
Elle

**Posted by Daryl** May 12, 2024 8:47 am

LostOne24 wrote:
I knew my husband was bisexual, but naively thought that when he married me that he was choosing me. After many, many years of a sexless marriage filled with resentment, my husband announced that he needs to be his "true self." He said he wanted to "break open" our relationship and be able to talk about everything. He's made a series of revelations that have been incredibly painful to me, and I'm reeling. He's angry that I'm not forgiving him, supporting him, and being understanding of how much pain he's in. I am simply not there.

What he wants is absolution from what he has done / continuing to do. Typically, this comes after some form of penance. Absolution is earned and requires some genuine remorse of actions towards the person who was wronged. What has he done beyond the bare minimum of disclosing his orientation?

Forgiveness is something you offer to yourself. It is a way of saying you are not going to let this action direct your life any longer.

That is my non-catholic thoughts on these concepts.

As for your spouse, in my opinion, they are being selfish, expecting you to process this so soon and act like it's nothing about you and all about them. There might also be some guilt and shame in here over his actions and he wants to be washed of it, rather than deal with it. This would also reinforce the idea that it's about him, and you're just a bystander.

Be well, this is where a doctor/cleric/counselor can come in handy, or even a wise friend.