Ellexoh_nz wrote:

Lostperson wrote:

.....I don't want to become a detective ...this is killing me. What a loss ! 8 years of my life

Don't be a detective. The feeling in your gut should tell you all you need to know. As long as you stay indecisive
the longer he'll expect you to stay quiet and amenable.

Elle

You are right Elle.I told him I can't do this anymore. He asked for forgiveness but I can't forgive right now .I asked for a divorce and for us not to fight for the sake of our kids .He said give me few days.He mentioned that he had prior suicidal attempts and I told him he will still have to be in his kids life . I explained that I will not tell anyone about the pictures or the posts .He still asked me to delete them.

OutofHisCloset wrote:

Don't delete the pictures/messages.  They are leverage for you in the divorce should you need it.  They are also protection for you from any poisonous stories he will tell about you after the divorce. 

The most important thing to him in his life is the closet he lives in, and he will do pretty much anything to protect it.  That includes promising, lying, manipulating, and threatening.  

Once you take that fact in, a lot of his behavior will become clear.  And so will your course of action.  See everything he says and does through that lens.  

Thank you for responding .I see it now through that lens but it hurts so much considering that I lived with this guy and shared a bed.

His family will create terrible stories about me .I know that even if he didnt.

In addition - him mentioning prior suicide attempts may be a form of blame shifting.
I suggest that if he mentions suicide again, you immediately call 911 to get him some help.
There's a good chance he will be taken into protective custody for a 24-hour watch and evaluation.
If he is faking it to keep you from moving on, it will likely be the last time he tries that tactic.
If he is not faking it, you did the right thing.

As for a 'friendly-divorce', if there is such a thing, much of this depends on how he reacts. Don't settle for whatever he wants to offer you from the goodness of his heart. As OoHC mentioned, the pics and messages are your strongest cards to play, along with 50/50 access to the kids. Don't throw those cards out of your hand. I'd also recommend you get legal advice and someone to represent your interests.

His mentioning suicide, in addition to being a form of blame shifting, could be an attempt at manipulating you.  Calling his bluff, if it is a bluff, is, as Daryl says, a good way to short-circuit that behavior.  And if it is real, then you will have helped him.  Remember one thing: suicide is never the fault of anyone except the person who chooses it.  (And I say this as a person whose father killed himself.) 

Go to the General Discussion board, where the second thread is "First Aid Kit."  It has helpful advice.  

My personal advice is that you go to see two people, asap:

your doctor, explain what's happening.  If you need medication, use it.  My medical practice also had psychologists available for short term counseling, and my doctor referred me for psychological help.  Do not worry that you are "outing" him to your doctor.  Your doctor will hold your confidence.  And, it's never "outing" someone else to discuss your own life with others.  It's not your secret to keep, and it's not your closet to live in. 

a lawyer, who can help you through the process of separation, child support, and divorce.  Do not tell your husband you are visiting a lawyer.  And do not get talked into mediation by your stbx without running it by your lawyer.  

You can find a lawyer by googling "family law lawyers" in your area.  You can also ask around to friends, if you know anyone who is divorced.   Depending on your spouse, you may want to look for someone with experience in "high conflict" divorce, or to engage a "super lawyer" (a lawyer that has earned that designation by his or her peers).  You can also ask if they have experience in negotiating divorce with a closeted spouse.  It's not necessary for your lawyer to have that experience, but it can be useful.  You can consult more than one--go with the lawyer you click with best.  Often an iniital consultation is free, but not always.  

It's also very helpful if you can talk to someone in your life whom you know to be trustworthy and on your side: a close friend or family member.  It's good to have support here. 

Lostperson wrote:

OutofHisCloset wrote:

His mentioning suicide, in addition to being a form of blame shifting, could be an attempt at manipulating you.  Calling his bluff, if it is a bluff, is, as Daryl says, a good way to short-circuit that behavior.  And if it is real, then you will have helped him.  Remember one thing: suicide is never the fault of anyone except the person who chooses it.  (And I say this as a person whose father killed himself.) 

Go to the General Discussion board, where the second thread is "First Aid Kit."  It has helpful advice.  

My personal advice is that you go to see two people, asap:

your doctor, explain what's happening.  If you need medication, use it.  My medical practice also had psychologists available for short term counseling, and my doctor referred me for psychological help.  Do not worry that you are "outing" him to your doctor.  Your doctor will hold your confidence.  And, it's never "outing" someone else to discuss your own life with others.  It's not your secret to keep, and it's not your closet to live in. 

a lawyer, who can help you through the process of separation, child support, and divorce.  Do not tell your husband you are visiting a lawyer.  And do not get talked into mediation by your stbx without running it by your lawyer.  

You can find a lawyer by googling "family law lawyers" in your area.  You can also ask around to friends, if you know anyone who is divorced.   Depending on your spouse, you may want to look for someone with experience in "high conflict" divorce, or to engage a "super lawyer" (a lawyer that has earned that designation by his or her peers).  You can also ask if they have experience in negotiating divorce with a closeted spouse.  It's not necessary for your lawyer to have that experience, but it can be useful.  You can consult more than one--go with the lawyer you click with best.  Often an iniital consultation is free, but not always.  

It's also very helpful if you can talk to someone in your life whom you know to be trustworthy and on your side: a close friend or family member.  It's good to have support here. 

Thank you so much for responding .I will review the first aid kit and go to see a lawyer on Monday.

Part of me wants to hug him every time I see him crying .I think he is really remorseful but I just think he deprived me from the opt out option and lied...I don't want him to hurt for the sake of the good days we had ...maybe I'm going crazy.