Posted by jokewife  May 3, 2024 12:26 pm | #1 |
Long story short. I discovered a bunch of items he was hiding from me; thongs, women's clothing, sex toys, and more. I have determined he must be autogynephilic. We have two young children so I couldn't just leave. I made it very clear that I was not ok with it. I told him if he wanted to try to save our marriage he needed to throw everything out before we could even think about moving forward. He initially responded with anger and resentment. I gave him space to figure things out, several weeks passed and he tried to move on like nothing happened. I started distancing myself and found a therapist. I even found a new job so I can return to work full-time. I guess that's when he finally realized I wasn't bluffing and I was ready for change. Now his demeanor has completely changed, he claims that's not the life he wants anymore and he doesn't want to lose our family. He claims he threw everything away and he's done with it. We don't actually believe they can just turn off these feelings and desires overnight, right? He's just making the whole situation more complicated with his sudden change of heart. I feel like he has managed to position himself in our situation to be a victim if I don't compromise and give him another chance. I feel like the damage has been done. Has anyone been in a similar situation?
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Posted by lily May 3, 2024 1:58 pm | #2 |
um, sorry to hear of your situation. I think you are facing it with honesty and courage. No of course they can't stop being who they are. So the bad news is that he isn't going to be this kind responsible person you likely believed him to be.
Sounds like you might have some leverage in him wanting to keep his crossdressing secret.
good luck, look after yourself a lot.
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Posted by Ellexoh_nz May 3, 2024 3:16 pm | #3 |
jokewife wrote:
Long story short. I discovered a bunch of items he was hiding from me; thongs, women's clothing, sex toys, and more........ We don't actually believe they can just turn off these feelings and desires overnight, right? He's just making the whole situation more complicated with his sudden change of heart. I feel like he has managed to position himself in our situation to be a victim if I don't compromise and give him another chance. I feel like the damage has been done.
Some years ago when I was in the middle of the emotional turmoil of loving somebody (thinking I had to fight for the r'ship) and seeing the toys, condoms and accompanying lacy tights and panties my negativity and abhorrence made him throw them away.....he said. In the back of my mind I think I already knew I couldn't trust him but, I realise now, the several chances I gave him were more for me not for him because the sum of the accumulation of all those chances was me making the biggest and hardest decision of my life. To leave him.
Be wary of "sudden changes of heart"
Elle
KIA KAHA
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Posted by jokewife May 3, 2024 6:21 pm | #4 |
Thank you for your responses. This is exactly the type of reassurance I need to hear! This is so hard.
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Posted by OutofHisCloset May 3, 2024 8:03 pm | #5 |
(My ex is a trans-identifying autogynephile.)
Binging and purging is a well documented characteristic of fetish crossdressers. They never lose the urge, so they will binge (dress), and then, either from remorse or shame, purge. In short, they are never "done with it." If he's serious about managing his urge, he'll need to get professional help, and to tell the therapist this is what he wants (otherwise he'll get a "gender therapist" who will end up validating him and you will be cast as the intolerant bogeyman.
That he is trying to make you into the bad guy--"Look, I stopped! If you leave me now you're giving up on the marriage!--is a transparent attempt to exert control over you via guilt-trip. It neatly shifts the attention from his behavior, which is the root of the problem, to yours, which is a reasonable and rational reaction to the situation he's put you in.
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Posted by lily May 3, 2024 11:26 pm | #6 |
It is so nice to have your wise posts again, OOHC.
JW yes it's very hard. It's likely to get more stressful not less in the next little while, it can be a long haul, so looking after your physical health counts for a lot.
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Posted by jokewife May 5, 2024 11:30 am | #7 |
Long story short. I discovered a bunch of items he was hiding from me; thongs, women's clothing, sex toys, and more........ We don't actually believe they can just turn off these feelings and desires overnight, right? He's just making the whole situation more complicated with his sudden change of heart. I feel like he has managed to position himself in our situation to be a victim if I don't compromise and give him another chance. I feel like the damage has been done.
Some years ago when I was in the middle of the emotional turmoil of loving somebody (thinking I had to fight for the r'ship) and seeing the toys, condoms and accompanying lacy tights and panties my negativity and abhorrence made him throw them away.....he said. In the back of my mind I think I already knew I couldn't trust him but, I realise now, the several chances I gave him were more for me not for him because the sum of the accumulation of all those chances was me making the biggest and hardest decision of my life. To leave him.
Be wary of "sudden changes of heart"
Elle
I can relate to this so much. Thank you for sharing your experience.
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Posted by jokewife May 5, 2024 11:43 am | #8 |
(My ex is a trans-identifying autogynephile.)
Binging and purging is a well documented characteristic of fetish crossdressers. They never lose the urge, so they will binge (dress), and then, either from remorse or shame, purge. In short, they are never "done with it." If he's serious about managing his urge, he'll need to get professional help, and to tell the therapist this is what he wants (otherwise he'll get a "gender therapist" who will end up validating him and you will be cast as the intolerant bogeyman.
That he is trying to make you into the bad guy--"Look, I stopped! If you leave me now you're giving up on the marriage!--is a transparent attempt to exert control over you via guilt-trip. It neatly shifts the attention from his behavior, which is the root of the problem, to yours, which is a reasonable and rational reaction to the situation he's put you in.
Thank you! I do remember reading about the binge process somewhere, it's a toxic cycle that will just keep coming back. The speed I have witnessed this toxic cycle evolve at is scary. Thank you again, I really appreciate you sharing your experience. It's nice to know I'm not completely alone.
