LizD....this is my personal opinion from my own history and experiences of 38 years with a (initially) straight man, who then admitted to a bisexual bent, and sometimes wore (my) knickers. When I discovered he was also wearing the pair of lacy crotchless tights that he had bought me to make me look sexy I realised his fantasies went deeper than I thought. I even wondered if he'd take it further and end up cross-dressing. 
But now we're separated I look at it from a purely clinical & cold angle. It's all about choice. His choice. Knowing I probably wouldn't like or agree to it he kept it secret which allows me now to "not give a fuck"

Maybe " cross dressing (does) essentially “substitute” for some of the other issues (gay, etc.)" but that's not the point. The moment we stop trying to pick apart and understand these men, and focus more on how this affects us , well, the discussion begins to be about what we deserve and where we belong. Leave them to their wardrobes lmao

My answer to your question is that every man is different so there is no 'one and only' answer

Elle
 

Thanks for your note. I probably didn't phrase my question very well...I don't mean that the crossdressing is a substitute for gay activities, but I am wondering if crossdressing falls into the same category as the other non-straight spouse behaviors I see here (gay, transgender, etc.) In other words, do you think the same advice I see given to spouses with gay/transgender/other partners would apply to me if my husband has been crossdressing behind my back? Is crossdressing considered LGBTQ+?

Here's how the joke goes: "What's the difference between a cross-dresser and a trans woman?  About six months."    (There are variations on the time.)
 

LizD,  what is concerning is that your husband is crossdressing behind your back.  Doing this in secret, does this mean he knows it is wrong?  Pay attention to his other behaviors and actions towards you.  Have you found any other items such as hidden sex toys?  How is your sex life?  Does he spend a lot of time on the internet, phone and is secretive about that also?  Is he open and honest with you with discussions.  
My story and discovery…..My ex had a cache of lacy bras, panties stashed in his bedroom that progressed to a wig, high heeled shoes, lingerie, fish net stockings and silicone breast inserts.  All in secret.  Then I found a trove of sex toys-gigantic realistic looking phalleses,, glass anal toys, nipple clamps and lots of lube. These were hidden in a Black and Decker bag that he moved around a lot.   And to think for years we didn’t have sex and I thought he had ED.  And he was pleasuring himself!.  I didn’t approach him as it was a walking on eggshells type of relationship.  And if I would ask what this meant, he wouldn’t tell the truth on a good day.  
Long story short- while he wore these women’s clothing, he would become sexually turned on and fantasize that he was a woman.  Then when the ‘cat was out of the bag’, he wanted to have sex with me, and only while wearing his women’s lingerie.  It was a scripted role that he played as the submissive woman.  It was exhausting, unfulfilling and demeaning for me.  
What became of his crossdressing habit (heaven knows how many yrs this was going on)?  Well, he had many labels-maybe gay, to gay, to not gay, to bisexual.  Finally settled to femme, then transgender female= lesbian, non-binary, then queer.   He is now a she, been on HRT for 6 yrs, had an orchiectomy.  Is a full time TG advocate with her own podcasts etc,  lives the life of everything trans within her own community, changed name legally and changed the sex on legal forms.  Has had an orchiectomy.  
So, you never will know the end result of their adventures.  Bear in mind that people are unique and there are various reasons for crossdressing.  And not all of them will be full blown MTF or seeking men or TG for sexual reasons.  Some may only dress to relieve anxiety etc. and live as a man and maintain their heterosexual relationship.  
Liz D, I understand your concern.  And at the beginning of discovery I was floored and didn't understand what this meant and didn’t know what to do, how to react.   Only your husband knows why he is doing the dressing and what it means to him and how far he is willing to go.  It may be a casual thing or an obsession.
I left the rollercoaster relationship and live with calm.  
 

Last edited by Norah (March 29, 2024 1:37 am)

No matter how you look at it, cross dressing is not something that a straight dude wants to do. Like ever.