Posted by Anon2222  February 22, 2024 1:27 pm | #1 |
So. The nightmare continues in my world and I am getting tired. I am wondering if anyone has gone through something similar....because it's starting to feel surreal.
I am trying to get divorced. I have gone pretty much no contact. Everything is through the lawyers. I am far from perfect, and I have made many mistakes along the way in life....but, every time I turn around he's spewing hate and lies at me (through lawyers). On one hand, it's completely ridiculous and, on the other hand, it really hurts.
The majority of his claims I knew nothing about, and a lot of them are personal attacks against me and how horrible I am. Despite the therapy, setting boundaries, going no contact, working on myself....different things still manage to get through on and off, and it's hard. I find myself thinking....did he really think all of these things along the way? Is this how he truly felt this entire time....while I was just merrily thinking I had this great marriage and amazing supportive husband....
It's pretty humiliating, not gonna lie. Going through this process. Having him spew his hate and lies at me, and thinking about how deeply I loved this man and would have done anything for him...
It is coming up on two years since he walked out, and I am just getting so very tired of the abuse. I also now have legal documentation that he thinks I'm stupid and a failure at life. So, that's nice....
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Posted by Rob February 22, 2024 6:34 pm | #2 |
Anon2222,
What is "legal documentation that he thinks you are stupid"? I think and judge or lawyer would laugh at that and see it for what it is.
I feel you ... it is hell on earth.. It took me 2.5 years... my GX dragged it on.. lies and all kind of things said about me.. I can only conclude that like my not knowing about TGT...I also did not know about the hatred.
Its not worth thinking about... they are not normal.. a normal person would not hide TGT and hatred and dislike for years...
Sadly its expensive and one can only hope at some point he sees the absurdity of the expense. For myself the courts wanted it off the books...end it or set a trial date. So there I was clutching my bible letting my lawyer deal with the screaming and lies.
Stoicism and faith is all I can recommend..
"For we walk by faith, not by sight .." 2Corinthians 5:7
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Posted by Anon2222 February 22, 2024 7:52 pm | #3 |
I am actually afraid of him. I want nothing to do with him and I just wish he would leave me alone.
He sent me a dozen page letter about everything he hates about me, insulting my intelligence, telling me he knew I would fail in life and how he has always been so kind and empathetic to me....while I just made it impossible to come out because I was so horrible to him. He states he always acted in the best interest of the marriage and I was the one who treated him so horribly he's been in therapy to deal with how horrible I have treated him. How ironic.
He then proceeds to comment on things I have done a YEAR after he walked out....personal details that I have never shared. So now I'm also freaked out about why and how he even knows this...and what does it even matter....
I am not happy with my lawyer. Because his lawyer sent this stupid letter to my lawyer and my lawyer just forwarded it along.....so I got to read a 12 page essay about how I am the worst person in the world and it's a miracle he survived me. I would like to know what the point of this is exactly. And how long am I expected to be his punching bag?
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Posted by Ellexoh_nz February 22, 2024 9:22 pm | #4 |
Hey there Anon 
That man's a real piece of work. And he obviously knows you're afraid of him, so for a start do you have a trusted friend who can read any correspondence he sends through his lawyer/your lawyer? because it sounds like you need a buffer...somebody who can read it first then remind you yip, still a loser. I don't know how it works in the US but that sort of mail should be giving your lawyer red flags....(edited to say)..and black marks against his name.….as far the divorce goes..
Elle
Last edited by Ellexoh_nz (February 22, 2024 9:24 pm)
KIA KAHA
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Posted by Anon2222 February 23, 2024 12:19 am | #5 |
I was told that there's not enough substantive abuse to count in the legal sense. And he has never physically assaulted me. He has punched through a door....several times. I have debated if I am just being paranoid...but there's just something in my gut that keeps screaming he's not safe to be around.
Which is why I went to only having contact through lawyers, but it is costing me a fortune. And I really am trying my hardest to not let this get to me, but man he is making it so very hard. Unfortunately, he knows me well and he knows my vulnerabilities and just how to hurt me....which is the cruel irony of all this I guess, not only do I have to deal with everything he dumped on me, I also have to spontaneously fix every insecurity, flaw, and everything I've ever struggled with overnight to protect myself. Because he knows me, and I was open, honest, and vulnerable during the marriage. Meanwhile, he was a stranger.
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Posted by gwendolyn_C February 24, 2024 3:09 pm | #6 |
Anon - I am so sorry you are dealing with this! I hope the divorce is final soon. He is using every tactic to get under your skin! He is the sad and pathetic one!
Can you ask your lawyer only to forward letters or administrative actions to finalizing your divorce? You wish not to engage in meaningless name-calling. The lawyer works for you.
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Posted by walkbymyself February 26, 2024 10:48 am | #7 |
Anon, I have no advice but so much sympathy.
Can't go over it, can't go under it, can't go around it, got to go through it. That's what I kept telling myself when I was going through the meat-grinder that was my divorce.
I think your husband is working really hard to come up with reasons why his failures are all your fault. Some day you'll look back on this and you'll be so grateful it's all in the rear view mirror. I know that doesn't help now. Feel free to vent here, we've all walked in your footsteps.
Relinquere fraudator, vitam lucrari.
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Posted by Blackie563 February 27, 2024 8:58 am | #8 |
Anon - I am so sorry. Awful. I can relate, but without the violence. MY ex wife to this day lies about me. I figure she cant help herself, because if she faced the reality of how she treated me, how she puts her own children last, she would probably take her own life. So she must deflect elsewhere.
Good advise above, if you are afraid, try to get a restraining order. I hope you have a judge and county that will help, not all will. Mine could care less that I documented her behavior, broken promised and lies. She dragged things out over 1.5 years and it was absolutely exhausting. Focus on what makers you happy and do whatever you have to do to protect your peace.
Hang in there, it does get better. These people are sick (no different than cancer). Does not absolve them, but helps to understand what you are up against.
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Posted by Anon2222 February 28, 2024 10:22 am | #9 |
I feel like a complete failure at this. I let him get to me.
I had to contact him because of an issue with the marital property (everything is through email only) - I asked for him to do up a legal document stating he will pay for half of the cost. He made some comments about how he has no idea why I'm so paranoid and implied some things about my mental health etc.
And...he got to me. I sent back a very long email of all the reasons I don't trust him, every promise he has broken during the divorce process, and how he sent me pages and pages of lies and personal insults to me from his lawyer. And that from all of this, he actually had the gall to blame ME for not being able to come out.
Basically wrapped it up that it is not my fault he hates himself and is a coward who couldn't deal with himself, and that I've run out of fucks to give so he can knock off the personal insults and lies and I'm over him dumping everything on me and he can get off his lazy ass and deal with everything because I'm done. Eep.
I feel so dumb....and probably did exactly what he wanted me to do. Sigh. I really suck at this divorce thing so very much.
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Posted by OutofHisCloset February 28, 2024 11:09 am | #10 |
Anon,
My advice is get a lawyer for yourself, if you don't have one, and make all communication go through the lawyer. You are putting yourself in a position to be further abused by a man who has made it clear over and over that he is willing to abuse you--and has done so.
