OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum / Distancing

**Posted by ffxrev** February 13, 2024 9:33 am

I think I need some help understanding distancing.

My wife of 18 years came out to me as lesbian less than a week ago. Our marriage is over. We have 2 girls. We’ll get a formal separation asap, but we are under the same roof through the summer.

What is distancing? My wife told me about her sexuality as soon as she figured it out for herself. I blame her upbringing for repressing it. She needs me to help her through this. She’s relying on me financially, emotionally, and logistically. I’m relying on her for emotional support and texting and talking with her constantly.
I didn’t want to build a wall, because we have 2 girls, and she has very little support. This isn’t her fault. I shouldn’t abandon her. Thanks, all. This is raw and new.

**Posted by lily** February 13, 2024 3:51 pm

Hi ffx,

Look I am sorry to do this to you but you know, can you imagine going through puberty without noticing you were attracted to girls?

Distancing doesn't have to be a big deal, it can be as simple as taking a step back - instead of immediately responding to her, just watch for a moment, look to see what she does in that little moment empty of response from you.

wishing you the best, Lily

**Posted by Daryl** February 13, 2024 7:47 pm

You have kids, so you have to co-parent on that. I think distancing is about the other person being an adult and self-reliant. Financial - well there's child support. If there's spousal support on the table, let a lawyer figure out what is fair to both of you. Emotional support ? I'm not saying you should be cruel but it is unfair for her to reject you as a partner but expect you to support her as she goes out and lives her best lesbian life. Making you watch that happen in detail is not right. Logistically ? I'm not sure what that means, but be fair to yourself and your own well-being. Distancing is not needing to share the personal details of life, jobs, relationships. etc. Figure out what the ground rules are for the summer. I can almost guarantee you she will want to be out dating within a month or so. As she builds this new circle of friends and relations, you may find yourself shut out. Build YOUR circle and be well.

**Posted by blue_bird** February 13, 2024 9:01 pm

I noticed myself distancing before I knew it was a "thing" but I just stopped telling my husband about my day and stopped texting him as much. Before I knew it, he asked me why I hadn't hugged him in two months. I think it happens slowly because I can't tell you the last time I looked at him like I used to.

**Posted by Ellexoh_nz** February 13, 2024 10:08 pm

I was the same as Blue_bird. I stopped intimacy, no hugs or kisses, no questions about his day, no emotional questions or responses to his phone use/computer use/free time. I stopped expecting anything from him that wasn't necessary, starting treating us like housemates.
But I had to have a mindset shift first, and that was the realisation that the r'ship was never going to change, for me, no matter how much A. wanted to stay together. And that I had to focus on myself.
Distancing was the beginning of the end for me. It took me another 3 years but I got through the storm. I filed for separation a year ago, moved out 7 months ago. Our interaction these days is amicable.

Elle

Last edited by Ellexoh_nz (February 13, 2024 10:12 pm)

**Posted by Blackie563** February 14, 2024 7:56 pm

Hi ffex - ultimately, this is your journey. That said, I felt the same way when my ex wife came out after 24 years together (19 years married). Unlike yours, she lied, had an affair for months and then continued lying after the disclosure. Regardless, an empty cup can not pour into another. IF you do not look after yourself, you won't be able to help anyone, including your kids. Your wife is on her path and she needs to learn to deal with it. Your life as you knew it is over, but something else will take its place. It can be misery, if you try to carry her burden and abandon yourself in doing so. Or it could be the start of a new, more fulfilling life. Clarity only comes with time. Take a step back, observe actions, not words. My now ex wife still believes after all of the lies, a horrible treatment of me for over 20 years, I owe her something. She only knows the old me, the one who gave everything to her and my own expense. The new me is far more kind, but has boundaries. It will hurt, but it is needed for you both to move on.

I wish you the best. At the time, it was the most difficult point in my life. I now wake up DAILY grateful for a failed marriage and mistreatment. Why? Because I would not be who I am and experiencing the pure joy I experience daily had I not gone through what I did. This is your path. Which direction it goes from here? That's up to you.....

**Posted by True** March 25, 2024 9:54 am

ffxrev
When it comes to Distancing I didn’t know this existed until I read your comment. when I knew my IDGH had an attraction to Men I began to distance myself from him, No more enduring exchanges between us & when we did have them it felt like it was my Brother I’d hugged or kissed. His life long lies were no more & life as I knew it had changed forever on every level. Looking back over the years It was always me that initiated the hugs’ kisses always yearning for that intimacy interaction between us only to be left with a cold & distant unfulfilling emptyness, today I don’t want to touch him it’s disgusting to be honest. We have a marriage that is more like roommates he knows I know he’s IDGH I’m still figuring it all out it takes time. Unfortunately our marriage is a MOR not by choice & not open by any means. If he were to come out we’d move forward with separation & divorce.

Last edited by True (March 25, 2024 9:56 am)