OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum / My gut tells me he's gay

**Posted by Cp231** November 19, 2016 8:23 pm

I've been married for 38 years. The past 12 years have been a nightmare. Finding gay porn, Craigslist usage, secret email accounts and an affair with a woman. Last week I found an unused condom in his car and also noticed he had shaved his scrotum... He said he did this for me. The condom was for "kinky sex" that he thought we would have. This story followed his first explanation that he bought the condoms because he had thought he might have sex with a woman at work who flirted with him. He called it "wishful thinking ". I found the condom on a Saturday and went to see an attorney on Monday. He will be served this week. He doesn't know I've filed. I can't believe I finally did. He is silent about all of this. I am heart broken. I believed years of lies. My gut tells me his secret life is his sexuality. I know that he will never admit it, not to me. Not to himself. I don't like the person I've become in all of this. The snooping. The paranoia. He is cold and indifferent. He treats me with contempt. I'll never know the truth in all of this. It's killing me.

**Posted by Daryl** November 20, 2016 12:32 am

You may never find out the whole truth but what you've already found is pretty significant. I wish you peace and healing as you move forward. You'll make it through.

**Posted by Cp231** November 20, 2016 8:30 am

Thank you for responding to my post. It means a lot. Yesterday I called the GLBT national hotline and they referred me to this site. I can't thank them enough. This forum allowed me to share what I've suspected for a long time. Last night after I posted I took a huge step. I broke the silence. I talked about everything I knew and what I thought it meant. I spoke without anger or judgement. I asked him if he was gay. He was silent. I waited for a response for 20 minutes. Then I left the room. I won't know the truth in all of this. I am going to work on moving forward. I need to take back my life. I told him he needed to live the life he wanted to live. I need to do the same. I am 60 years old. I have significant health issues. This is terrifying for me. I have grown children who don't need to know any of this. It's his story to tell. Thank you again for responding. It's good not to feel alone.

**Posted by Dee** November 20, 2016 8:46 am

Welcome, so sorry you find yourself here, but glad you found us. I'm 2 years out from a 30+ years marriage, and you're right, you'all never know everything, but I agree with Daryl, you know enough. Prepare yourself for a roller coaster of emotions, and when the time is right, I cannot stress enough how important no contact is. You've taken the first step in reclaiming your stolen life, you are stronger than you'll ever know. Keep posting, we get it.

**Posted by iamthelorax** November 20, 2016 9:32 am

You are definitely not alone. I don't know you'll ever get a confession out of him. My ex wife denies she has a same sex attraction even though she's openly in a relationship with a woman. She also denies the affair and everything else that's plain for everyone to see. You know what you know, we believe you. I think you'd find more peace to accept what you know as the truth and act upon it than waiting for a confession he's too ashamed to give.

**Posted by xxx** November 20, 2016 10:41 am

I admire your bravery. Trust your intuition. You WILL be okay, trust in that. Take it a day at a time and be gentle with yourself. Routing for you x

**Posted by Daryl** November 20, 2016 11:57 am

Cp231 - it's your story to tell also. I'm not suggesting you blindside him with a public outing but silence lends credence to any excuse he might come up with to explain the situation. I think at the very least you should be able to say that he was unfaithful in word and deed over a long period of time and you cannot overlook it or ignore it. That there is no fixing it. Something like that. Don't let him play the misunderstood martyr to your family.

**Posted by Cp231** November 20, 2016 12:55 pm

I asked the question I needed to ask. His silence, I feel said it all. Daryl thank you for giving me the words to say to my family and friends when the time comes. It's the truth. I am never going to know. I have to accept it. I was always the fixer in this marriage. Trying to make everything better. In denial. I keep asking myself from now till death how do I want to live my life, the answer is not like this. I went to a meeting for women who are victims of domestic violence, at their urging I made a safety plan. I have a good friend that I trust. I took a suitcase to her home. I copied every financial record I could find and took it to my attorney. I went to a different bank and opened an account in my name so I won't be without funds. This is going to be ugly. I have no doubt. I have deep feelings of grief. It's hard to explain. You would think I would be enraged. I have a feeling that rage will come sooner than later... Each post that I read has given me so much encouragement and so much to think about. Thanks to you all.

**Posted by phoenix** November 20, 2016 2:09 pm

Cp231,

I'm so sorry you have to be here. I admire your courage. You are doing all the right things.

I completely agree that his silence is your answer. It's probably the closest thing to an admission that you will get from him. Remember that closet homosexuals are the world's best liars because they have learned to keep the biggest secret. Often they keep the secret from themselves as they refuse to admit to themselves.

Keep moving forward, keep protecting yourself and prepare for things to get rough. But know that you are making the right decisions and things will turn out better for you in the future.

Stick around and share your feelings and fears. We are here to help and support and advise you. We've all been through or are currently going through similar situations. Welcome to the club that nobody wants to be a part of.

Blessings

**Posted by Rob** November 20, 2016 5:54 pm

cp231,

Yeah...don't expect any admission. I found so much evidence but throughout it all my now ex denied everything.
She was so bad at hiding it..i.e. .coming home at 2am with her hair all messed up...oh we were just shopping.

Its really academic whether they admit anything or not... you realized yourself you can't live like you are with the distrust and having to snoop. I could not do it.

You've already taken the right steps...slow and steady from here. Its all sad I know.. these spouses created this sadness... they are so wrong on so many levels.. Walk forward away from the abuse and disloyalty...

A sincere e-hug.