OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum / Will it work in the longterm?

**Posted by sssskknight** January 20, 2024 2:24 pm

My wife (28) and I (28) have been together for 6 years and married for 4 years. We do not have kids. The sex did not go well from the very beginning so my wife doubted about her sexuality. While recently she fell in love with her friend and came out as a lesbian. She wanted to divorce me and moved out of our home and moved in to the girl's apartment. They had an affair. But after only 1 month, she wanted to come back home because she thought that the home we built together, the secure she got from it are more important to her compared to her true sexuality. (Her parents separated when she was younger and she is fear of that happen to her as well.) She still loves me, so do I. We are compatible in other aspects other than sexuality. I wonder whether it will workout in the longterm if we choose to stay together? What will most likely to happen in the longterm?

Last edited by sssskknight (January 20, 2024 2:26 pm)

**Posted by lily** January 20, 2024 2:43 pm

I m getting on in life now - my observation is that sexuality is hugely important and only gets more so with time, the same with love - you are at an age where your wife's biological clock is ticking loudly. But she has been honest that her romantic feelings ignited with a woman not you.

Where are you in all this? You matter. What do you want in life?

Happiness matters too doesn't it?

**Posted by sssskknight** January 20, 2024 2:56 pm

Hi Lily, Thank you for your response. I don't think that the affair my wife had with the woman matters a lot compared to if she had an affair with another man. I really value the companion she offered and the warm home and friend circle we had together. So overall I am happy with what we have. A stable marriage is important to me. Another reason my wife regrets to come out is because the social pressure and family pressure as we are originally from a very conservative country.

**Posted by Rob** January 21, 2024 12:47 pm

So you would be comfortable is she became "just friends" again with the girlfriend. I think a stable and loving marriage includes not having anxiety or worrying who your wife is attracted to. Many of us were marriied for decades and then suddenly were not enough for our spouses. We should be enough...we should be more than enough.

**Posted by lily** January 21, 2024 3:52 pm

um, okay so I get that - you would be far more upset if she'd slept with another man, of course you would, it would ignite your jealousy - instinctive in protection of your monogamous bond.

It is different when she sleeps with another woman, you are left in the land of grey to shadow-box. On the one hand she has invested her romantic feelings in another person but on the other hand she hasn't ignited your jealousy in the same way she would have if she'd slept with another man - shadow boxing.

**Posted by sssskknight** January 21, 2024 7:29 pm

My wife had set boundaries with the woman she had affair with (blocked everywhere on social media, no communication.), and has promised that she will stay in the monogamous. Besides, she claimed that she is actually bi- and we still have sex life like before after she came back (not very frequent but ok). I deeply love my wife whatever sexuality she is having. Right now we just rebound and are experiencing a honeymoon period since she is guilt to what she has done and the hurt brought to me and our family (we have dogs as our kids). I think the affair between my wife and the girl is just a rebound relationship as the flaws between us was mitigated when they have conflicts. I was wondering if this period of sweet time is temporary and everything will become worse and worse?

**Posted by sssskknight** January 21, 2024 7:34 pm

We are planning to have babies in the next 1-2 years. Do I have to pause it given the situation, or I was wondering if kids could bring tight connection to us?

**Posted by Daryl** **Online!** January 21, 2024 8:46 pm

Childbirth is a door to a new phase in life. For the closeted spouse, it can also be a good excuse for infrequent intimacy. A way to avoid doing anything as a couple. For some, it also signals the slipping sands of time and increases the internal desire to experience "other things". Children can bring connection but also inadvertently act like a chain, keeping someone in an unhealthy relationship because they (understandably) do not want to be away from their kids, even in a shared custody agreement.

Honeymoons can be great and make you feel everything will be alright. Personally, I think I'd hold off a bit until reality sets in. None of us know the future. Keep your senses tuned for any signs of hesitation, or hiding in how you interact together.

Possibly not the answer you want. Much of society tries to convince us that love conquers all, I believe the truth is that marriages require hard work by both partners.

Last edited by Daryl (January 21, 2024 8:49 pm)

**Posted by MarieSmith** January 21, 2024 9:46 pm

sssskknigth - I'd say absolutely pause on having children right now, you can both get to a place of surety of where you each are individually and as a couple (or not). Once you are there, give it a good few years before broaching the topic of kids, I know it seems like a long time but a child is at least an 18 year commitment that you both want to be healthy and present for, with a very stable marriage. A few years to get grounded are worth it! If your relationship goes the way it seems like the majority of ours have, it will simplify the hell not to have children - and divorce will be "easier."

**Posted by Rob** January 22, 2024 9:42 am

"..My wife had set boundaries with the woman she had affair with (blocked everywhere on social media, no communication.), and has promised that she will stay in the monogamous..."

But wasnt that the basic tenet of marriage? What proofs can she provide that she will keep her promises this time? We love them but they hurt us... I used to think my strong fierce love could keep the marriage together....till it couldnt.. it did not matter how much I loved her or what I did. (apprarently the gay sex was so great that it trumped decades of friendship, kids etc.). Somehow the years I was enjoying being married were simply years of resentment building up in her. I realize I'm biased but I worrry you'll be here years later watching the kids and wondering if shes out shopping with a friend or having sex. You should never have to wonder or suspect or snoop. A healthy marriage is complete, absolute trust in ones spouse and I just don't see how yours can have that now.

Wishing you strength and self compassion..