OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum / Just need to vent

**Posted by Deceivedandsad** January 5, 2024 9:21 am

I am so broken. I wrote a letter to my GIDH and I have read it and ré-read it countless times.

I need to send it, but I have a panic attack every time I try.

I am sitting on the floor of my bedroom after screaming into the emptiness and almost hyperventilating.

I used to believe in a loving God. But I have begged and pleaded and bargained and tried to threaten-

Silence.

Nothing.

I scream because it's the deep felt and guttural reaction to all I can't talk to anyone about or express.

I used to sing. I used to perform. I would feel electricity coursing through me when I was on stage.

It's all gone now.

No music.
No spark.

Just black sadness.

And I am standing on the point of a needle, and each way I look to fall is destruction-
Of me.
Of him.
Of our children if we stay.
Of our children if we break up.

Of life itself.

I don't want to die. But this isn't living either.

He was the best man I knew. I didn't settle- I married up.

But he has destroyed me.

Last edited by Deceivedandsad (January 5, 2024 9:27 am)

**Posted by Blackie563** January 5, 2024 10:20 am

Good to let these thoughts out. Going through this was unlike any pain I could have imagined. That was over 1.5 years ago. Now? I look back and not only were things not as good as I saw them, or rather say, chose to see them, it turns out that all of the pain, darkness, etc was exactly what I needed. My ex wife, fake lesbian, lied, cheated, gaslite me from here to the moon (still tries to this day, but is slowly getting the picture that I simply do not care anymore).

I am not saying you will experience this or this is the case with you. I am simply saying I was you, didn't see how this could get better. Not only did it, but life is better now than I ever imagined it could be. Give yourself grace and time. This is in a way, worse than death, because the person still lives, but the version you knew is gone forever and the mind has a hard time reconciling that. No closure/point to move forward from.

Remember, no matter the pain, you have a choice each day. To learn from this, or carry it. The further you get, the easier that choice becomes. For now, give yourself grace and time, but know recovery on the other side can come sooner, if you choose to learn from it, vs carry it when its VERY hard to not to carry.

Be well, write anytime. It does get better. I/we are all you. You are not alone.

**Posted by Rob** January 5, 2024 11:19 am

DeceivedandSad,

A sincere e-hug.

Vent ...vent here all you want...we get it. It is a trauma ...Its healthy and necessary to build a support system and get it out..

Like Blackie said it is a like a death but there is no funeral and only we mourn. But we mourn a person that never really existed. That we loved them absolutely and fiercely but they really did not do the same...there is no shame in giving yourself a break..take care yourself emotionally and physically. Another way of looking at it is if you don't take care of you who will... your spouse? but they abdicated and forfeited that caring for us with hurt ...which is a scary thing.

Build your support system and know that he was not given sole dominion and power to destroy you.. Only God and yourself can grant that.

**Posted by Ellexoh_nz** January 5, 2024 12:05 pm

DeceivedandSad...The time will come when you'll know the time is Now!
And you will send it.

Often the only way to save yourself is by doing the very thing you dread.

Be calm. Wait for the right time. You'll know it when it comes. See the light at the end of the tunnel. Know you're strong enough to face what it means to send it.

You deserve to be strong

Elle

**Posted by gwendolyn_C** January 5, 2024 2:09 pm

DeceivedandSad - I am so sorry. I know the feeling. Come here and vent anytime.

I was here. It is devastating. This group helped me to get through the tough times. It gets better but sadly, we all had to go through the process! We are here for you! I have 3 young children (15, 10, 6). It was tough but I did the hard work because one day they would understand what good and healthy love is.

I am sending you a big hug!

God has not forgotten you! He will give you the strength to make it through. Everyone has a cross to bear. As you can see, many of us had the same cross! I'm glad this group helped when the cross became too heavy! Find your trusted friends! Don’t allow shame or guilt to silence you! Lean on your trusted family and friends!

Last edited by gwendolyn_C (January 5, 2024 2:15 pm)

**Posted by PJ** January 6, 2024 6:23 am

DeceivedandSad

I am sorry you are in this position.

Some perspective from me.

I was worried how me leaving would impact the children - one has special needs.

The impact has actually been positive.

You have poured your heart into a letter. Writing the letter might have been a good thing to do. You might have needed it for your own process.

But if something is stopping from sending it, you don't need to send it.

Maybe the thing stopping you is fear of what the response might be? Will he pick the letter apart?

I spent a long time talking to my wife, trying to get some honesty from her.

One day, I stopped needing her honesty. I decided my own feelings were good enough reason to act on.

The group here helped me see that.

Stay strong.

**Posted by Ellexoh_nz** January 6, 2024 12:05 pm

PJ wrote:
DeceivedandSad........One day, I stopped needing her honesty. I decided my own feelings were good enough reason to act on. ......

Yeah this!!!!

E

**Posted by gwendolyn_C** January 6, 2024 4:18 pm

I realized how can I expect my future ex-GIDH to be honest with me. He can't be honest with the person in the mirror. He won’t admit that his actions were wrong. He destroyed our marriage. That was hopeless on my end. I made a shift to stop being collateral damage. I spent too much emotion and energy trying to get him to confess.

I am now focusing on taking back my power and concentrating on what is good for me and my children!

Last edited by gwendolyn_C (January 6, 2024 4:21 pm)

**Posted by Abby** January 6, 2024 8:35 pm

Just my opinion, but if you haven't sent the letter, don't. Why show him your feelings?

Don't set yourself up to be hurt again.You are going to need to be strong to get through this so focus of the road ahead and not what's behind you. This chapter of your life is ending but there are more chapters to write.