OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum / Do bisexuals really exist?

**Posted by ellierigg** July 22, 2023 1:32 am

Thank you all for answering. I guess all of our ex or current gay partners stories sound very similar. As much as it hurts, I know I would never be able to be with my ex again ,doesn't matter if gay or bi, because I know I'd never be enough for him. And this actually helps me with letting go, because there is nothing I can do to change that.

**Posted by lily** July 22, 2023 4:09 pm

The trouble with the word bisexual is that it sounds like the person is sexually oriented to both sexes.

Fact is my ex was not sexually attracted to me at any point, ever. No real feelings. He was able to perform as a young man, that's all.

**Posted by M-Kate** August 11, 2023 11:26 am

I wish I could just accept that my husband is sexually attracted to other men, but I don't understand it and I think that I feel threatened by it. I'm constantly trying to "figure it out" and make sense of it. I feel waves of anxiety and then bombard him with questions. It's been about 3 1/2 months since I found out (after 29 years of marriage). We're trying to stay together, but I just don't know whether I can accept that he "likes dick" (but he says he won't act on it again).

**Posted by Blue Bear** August 11, 2023 12:25 pm

ellierigg wrote:
I guess this topic already exists somewhere in this forum, but I’d love everyones insights and opinions. I tend to believe that there are rather gay people who can sexually function with opposite sex, but they are still gay. Does anyone here have/had a bisexual partner who also had opposite sex relationships outside your marriage/partnership?

There seems to be a lot of backstory behind your question, and I'm purely speculating so my apologies if I've got this dead wrong. You deserve a straight partner who is exclusive to you and loves you for everything you bring to the table, and vice versa. And if you try to analyze the brain and functioning of a sexually confused person who has lied to you about their sexual orientation and is unfaithful to you, you will go crazy in the process. Look for the exit door.

**Posted by Blue Bear** August 11, 2023 12:35 pm

M-Kate wrote:
We're trying to stay together, but I just don't know whether I can accept that he "likes dick" (but he says he won't act on it again).

Read The Chump Lady's excellent book, "Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life". The key advice from that book is to ask yourself whether your situation is acceptable to you. It's totally ok if it's unacceptable for you to remain married to a cheating husband who had a gay affair. My guess is that you didn't sign up for infidelity and you didn't sign up for same-sex attraction today any more than you did on your wedding day. Those were foundational assumptions for your marriage, right?

**Posted by Nimble** August 11, 2023 2:03 pm

My wife is bi, and we're still very happily together.

I am one of the few anomalies on this board though.

The biggest difference between my wife and other partners on this board is that she never lied, never cheated, none of that. She didn't know what to call herself when she was younger, and didn't think much on it after we met. When she realized it and that she found a certain comfort in identifying as queer, she let me know as soon as she realized it.

I think if she had cheated, lied, or intentionally misled me I'd feel uncomfortable. Distrust is distrust, whether it's around sexual proclivities or not. I think we get hung up on those because they feel like the ultimate betrayal because it makes us feel as if we aren't good enough, and that's not really the case. If your partner is deceptive, malicious, and otherwise disrespectful, they're a bad partner and hiding their sexual preferences is a symptom of that... A very painful one.

Best of luck to you.

Last edited by Nimble (August 11, 2023 2:03 pm)

**Posted by Anon42** August 11, 2023 2:48 pm

Nimble wrote:
I think we get hung up on those because they feel like the ultimate betrayal because it makes us feel as if we aren't good enough, and that's not really the case

I'm not sure that that is making us feel as if we aren't enough.
What does is cheating or asking for a permission to cheat on you with another person.
Maybe that's what you meant in the following sentence )

**Posted by Nimble** August 11, 2023 6:14 pm

Yeah, I mean- it can and will make folks feel any number of ways that are horrible. I think the larger point is about someone who was supposed to look out for you doing the most doing despicable things. We get caught up on the orientation side of it because it's salacious, but it's the betrayal, dishonesty, and cruelty that are the worst to me.

Others may have different and valid reactions.

I was stating that I do believe that bisexuals exist. I'm married to one. It's absolutely true that some folks claim they are bi while they tiptoe towards being gay, but not in all cases. However, I can understand someone being suspicious of a partner who hid their real feelings about their orientation. If they lied about it once, surely they can lie about it again, right?

**Posted by lily** August 11, 2023 8:00 pm

Nimble, not sure what you mean by saying we get caught up on the orientation side of it because it's salacious.

I wondered if I had the word wrong and looked it up in the dictionary - inappropriate interest in sexual matters - there's nothing fucking well inappropriate in a spouse questioning their partner's sexual orientation.

We get caught up on it because it matters and we are getting confusing answers from our GID partners when we ask.

You seem to have struck it lucky, a bisexual wife who is devoted to you and been honest all along.

I remember standing there, after decades of marriage and only recent since I uncovered it, and he is saying that his bisexuality is none of my business. My jaw literally dropped. For a full minute all I can think is I wish I could close my mouth but with hindsight it's probably a good thing as I was getting extra oxygen and had a nice blank mind.

Yes, you are right, it's the emotional abuse that counts, it's the deception that confounds, it's the un-level playing field, and it's the not being with whom you might have been with.

**Posted by TangledOil** August 11, 2023 11:01 pm

I’ve never had any doubt that bisexual people exist. My husband is a very straight leaning bi. He’s never been with a man and probably never will. It’s exceptionally rare for him to find a man attractive. It takes a lot. He’s only met a couple men in his 5+ decades who he found attractive at all. I think much of it has to do with him having a general distrust of men.

Tangled

Last edited by TangledOil (August 11, 2023 11:08 pm)